1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. theoldwashouse

    theoldwashouse New member

    Jul 18, 2019
    My mum has just been given 43/100 on the ACE111 and a prescription for Donepezil.
    She is 83, lives alone can wash and dress herself and keeps the house fairly clean, although out of date food is put in cupboards and the microwave!

    She doesn't eat very much, gets confused as to the days, forgets who visited her and where she has been within a couple of hours.
    She gets very very upset at the thought of a carer and is adamant that she will not leave her home, constantly saying that she wants to die at home.

    She refuses to accept that there is anything wrong with her memory, repeating that she is 83 and it's just old age.

    I don't want her to go into a home, as she will be in misery but then again , I don't want her to have an accident. I am hoping that she can stay at home until she doesn't know where she is and then move her but I have no idea when that would be and, in the meantime, I'm just dazed and stupified by it all.

    is she very bad or is it reasonable to hope that she can keep going at home without a carer?

    Thank you.
  2. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    Welcome to DTP @theoldwashouse

    You are obviously worried about your mum’s ability to manage on her own and to be honest I don’t think that she will manage without some kind of support.

    It is a familiar problem on here as people with dementia don’t recognise their problems and are mostly convinced that they don’t need carers. They do.

    I introduced my dad’s first carer as a cleaner/gardener as I thought that would be what he’d accept. To start with dad would make her a cup of tea while she got on with her “work” and we managed to gradually add tasks so she’d ask dad which microwave meal he wanted heating up for lunch to make sure he ate at least once a day.

    Once she’d gained his trust he looked forward to her visits as it gave him someone to talk to. It also made it easier to get in extra carers as he got worse and needed more help.

    Of course dad always said he was fine and could do everything himself...
  3. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    I completely understand how you feel - none of us wants to impose a care home, or even a carer, on our parents. But unfortunately there comes a time when it's unavoidable. And from what you have said I think your mum does need help at home.

    I didn't discuss it with my mother, I just arranged carers. But I never called them carers. I said a nice lady was coming to help her with things she found difficult, like carrying the shopping and getting the cat to the vet (choose whatever your mother has said is a bit tricky). As it happened she really hit it off with the first carer they sent (who remained a regular carer, doing about half the shifts). So to her it felt like having a helpful friend around.

    If you position it as "this is happening, but it's no big deal, we all need a bit of help" as Bunpoots and I did, you should have a good chance of success. The time has come when you need to make decisions for her, and override what she says she wants.
  4. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    #4 Rosettastone57, Jul 19, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
    I agree with other posters I think your mum needs some help .
    My mother-in-law was diagnosed in 2015 with mixed dementia and her ace score was 59 out of 100. At the time the psychiatrist at the memory clinic said she was bordering on moderate dementia. Also as other posters have said you have to start making decisions on her behalf . The default answer is always going to be no if you asked whether your mum needs help. I arranged carers for my mother-in-law gradually introducing them in the morning and then increasing the frequency ,for over 3 years she had carers three times a day. Of course she was rude and aggressive I just told her the carers were simply not negotiable. She was self-funding so I was able to arrange it fairly easily with a private care agency. As far as she was concerned she could do everything for herself the reality was she could do little for herself . They prepared all her meals ,made sure she took her medication in the mornings ,helped out with changing the bedding and doing the laundry. We employed a gardener as well and a window cleaner all paid out of her finances. I had power of attorney for her finances so I could arrange it easily. I didn't discuss any of the bills with her and I certainly didn't discuss any of the care agency bills if she had known how much it was she would have simply refused to have them
  5. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019

    Oh my welcome to my life, it’s really hard as you want to protect your loved one.
    So for years I battled since 2014 to get Mum to accept help - even after Dad who used to care for Mum became incapacitated with his own VD & dementia Mum was adamant that carers wouldn’t be allowed in the house.
    Dads in CH now since Nov 2018 as A result of respite.
    Mum had a cleaner - but she had to choose the person, same with the gardener; it’s about Mum retaining control over her situation. Logic has mostly gone out of the window!

    So I mention help in a roundabout way & after planting the idea let her mull it over & become her idea!
    Convoluted but effective - just have to be patient!!!

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