1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Hi all it's some time since have posted here but I have been loging in to read post by others and find it very interesting and helpfull on how to manage being a carer.The reason I am posting the following is I feel a bit guilty thinking this ,or do others sometimes feel the same as me .


    HOW ARE YOU ??


    The numerous times this question is asked by well meaning friends and family,
    “how are you '',usually gets the reply''well not too bad things could be worse.,''this of course is far from how the true situation really is ,but one refrains from saying what one truthfully feels about the situation to avoid unnecessary concern,which will help no one. Also one finds calls and contacts diminish in frequency over time any way ,possibly due to a feeling of discomfiture or helplessness to improve the situation. The most frequent advice is “you must get some help''but no one seems to know what and how, especially for the emotional impact on ones life , after sixty years or more of of caring for each other.
    In my personal situation I think a truthful answer to the question would be something like,it would be fine if I could go to bed knowing I was going to get a full nights uninterrupted worry free sleep, and not feel sleepy during the next day. To be able to have a shower etc. without fear of what might be happening whilst in there . To go out in the garden to cut the hedge and prune the bushes. The garden is not a concern in itself I would just like to be doing it my self. Do some weeding and cut the grass and do the odd repairs, and start the car after several weeks in the garage. To go out of the house perhaps only to the shop ,rather than just the usual quick trip to the dustbin in the garden to deposit rubbish ,or once a week taking the bin out to the road for collection .To be able to watch TV programs when first shown rather than later at night when the one in care is quite and sleeping. Having an ordinary conversation with some one more often would be great. Be able to concentrate on something with out worry of some bizarre interruption. A day without the constant worry and fear of what is happening next, and the constant watching to do whatever will prevent it what ever it might be,like for instance falling ,walking out side to the road , (remembering to remove keys out of doors ),or doing something else which is strange or personally dangerous to the cared one.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,669
    Kent
    Hello Ken

    So many of us will be able to relate to how you really are.

    I believe the majority of us answer `I`m fine thanks`, simply because we know those who haven`t experienced being carers will either not really want to know , or perhaps won`t believe the truth.

    I hope you are getting as much help and support as is available to you.
     
  3. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    2,930
    London
    Hello Ken, alas when dementia takes over our lives, not only do we need or rather have to think for the person we are caring for, it can be an all time consuming care role, what was a normal way of life seems to take a back seat,as we so much really want to fix it, with so many illnesses there is a solution and a lot of understanding,but with dementia life is so unpredictable and we embrace those small but infrequent lapses of normality, as Grannie G has just said I really hope you are getting support on your caring role and anything that TP can do to point you in the right direction just say, or at least give you a hug when needed.
    Take care
    Chris
     
  4. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,829
    UK
    Wrong or right but when asked this question over the phone, stock answer now is "no better than yesterday. Have to go now really bad time to call, mum needs me to help her with something". Its mostly true because as soon as I answer the phone, mum is usually there beside me, asking all kinds of questions.
     
  5. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thanks Grannie G. Have seen a SW a month ago and she is going to arange some twice a week visits to have a chat ,to get my wife comfotable with stangers attending sometimes.
     
  6. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thank you Chris ,yes hope get some support soon saw aSW 4 weeks ago should hear from her soon.
     
  7. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thanks Tin .
     
  8. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    hello Ken

    you have described it so well I am really moved and i feel for you. My life saver was the carers cafe and some areas have a memory cafe where you can both go which sometimes eases the strain too. I managed to get a half decent conversation with people and still be looking out for Mum and then when she went to her lunch club i managed to get to the carers cafe on my own!! Do you have anything like that in your area? Noone asks how you are or how things are, and the coffee and chat in like company made such a difference.

    I hope the SW gets back to you soon. Thinking of you x
     
  9. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thank you Fizzie. Going out is most difficult now so I don't expect to go to a carers cafe ,but hopefully the visitors may help when that happens I hope very soon ,I'll have a little free time.
    .
     
  10. tre

    tre Registered User

    Sep 23, 2008
    1,353
    Herts
    Oh Ken. Ditto ditto ditto. I feel I cannot tell the remaining few who ask in case I scare them away too. Today has been an awful day but you are the only ones I feel I can voice this too.
    Tre
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,669
    Kent
    It's a good idea to help your wife get used to strangers in the home Ken.

    My husband was very unwelcoming to anyone he saw as 'official' or intrusive. However, it was pointed out to me that we would be in dire straits if I became ill . I realised I had to take steps to introduce others into the home and so began our venture with carers. We never looked back.
     
  12. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    awwwwwwwwwwwww I'm sorry, I hope the visits bring you some respite very sooooooooooooon xx
     
  13. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Thanks Tre ,I know how you feel , just had very active night no sleep hope to get some during day if my wife has a sleep.
     
  14. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Yes Grannie that is the how I now feel about ,thanks for your advice.
     
  15. JimB

    JimB Registered User

    Jun 29, 2015
    16
    Ken,
    I totally sympathise with what you are going through. The support and advice I have received from TP users has been invaluable and I can now see how important it is to get additional support rather than ploughing the lonely furrow all the time. I hope the SW can get you the support you deserve. The active nights when you get no sleep but you have to work the following day are the hardest (I am lucky to be able to work from home as well as look after my Mum).
    I have found communicating with TP users in the forum to be very therapeutic as you have understanding people who are in similar circumstances to yourself and can advise accordingly. Although people outside can be well-meaning they have no real understanding what it is like if they have not cared for anyone with this terrible illness.
     
  16. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    yes JimB I agree with all you say and am looking forward to help from the SW soon.
     
  17. ken82

    ken82 Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    21
    Yes Grannie it has been pointed out several times about my health ,I did set up a emergency action for this possilbility and, I hope my wife will be happy to see a visitor in our home.Thank you .
     

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