Hello, Baby of 5 kids ...
Welcome, and
I think you are not 'normal' at all - you didn't use a single swear word!!
Seriously, you are feeling what we all feel when faced with the reality of Alzheimer's Disease (yes, definitely a recognised illness) and probably several other emotions you may not have recognised yet - the shock and anger tend to come out first. Also, your anxiety must be increased by the fact that you have to move further away from him shortly.
So, Baby of 5, would I be right in thinking that you have 1 sister and 3 brothers? Whoever lives nearest to Dad is likely to draw the short straw as regards close involvement with his future care & welfare. (And don't jump on me for negative implications of "short straw", we all know it's a mixed blessing) It doesn't have to be your sister! The more
everyone can get involved at an early stage, the better for all concerned. Those who live further away can still help; agree to phone Dad on a regular day, drop him a line (or get grandkids to do so now & again) holiday postcards -
keep in touch. It doesn't have to be lengthy or demanding; talk about everyday family stuff - kids activities, gardening, pets ... but keep in touch.
I agree with Margarita about waiting until your sister has got home from her holiday before you tell her. Your Dad is unlikely to change hugely in 2 weeks. Then I think the 5 of you need to have a kids family conference (face to face, telephone, email, whatever) so that you can tell the others what you
know, and may find out from the UK*** Alzheimer's Society factsheets. (UK*** I spent a lot of time by mistake on the US Alz. Soc. site, until I realised that some of their advice isn't relevant here, since their services differ from ours!)
I don't share your view about "finding out too much". Knowledge is power, and at 41 you're all growed up and big enough to be analytical about it. Military principle - 'know your enemy'. You may read about 100 different
possible signs & symptoms & behaviours, but only actually observe 10 with your Dad. It's like those information sheets you get with most pills & medicines these days; they try to cover all eventualities, but that doesn't mean you'll
get all those side effects!
When I said "tell the others what you
know", you are not supposed to be the family expert on the future. You can only take that day by day, at
Dad's pace, and you can't predict exactly what will happen. Deal with what's happening now, pass on what the doctor(s) may have told you, whether he has been prescribed any meds. Just share the information, the (emotional) caring, and your feelings about it. Face the fact that he may need to go into residential care, but that time is probably not here yet. With some assistance from outside organisations, he may be able to stay in his own home safely & happily for some time yet. Contact the local Community Nurse, Social Services, local branch of the Alzheimer's Society to find out what help is available (the latter may be easiest to start with; there is a list of local branches on the fact sheets, icon at top left hand corner of the screen).
Channel your anger into finding out about things; many families have been down this road before you and, sadly, others will come after you. There isn't a cure, but there are meds. which will help reduce the deterioration of his memory for a time, and help reduce his anxiety (if that happens), and non-family carers who will (for instance) go in and make sure he's had some breakfast & taken his pills.
My Mum's 87 and sounds as if she's at much the same stage as your Dad. I'm only just getting to grips with the fact that she
can't remember things, she
can't learn anything new. The connections in the brain necessary to do those things have gone. She can still remember funny things from family holidays when I was a kid 40-50 years ago, but yesterday-memories are largely an impossibility for her. It's very wearing, still, to answer the same questions 30 times a day (usually "what day is it?"
) but getting irritated just stresses us both out, with no benefit to either of us. It's not easy, I'm not a patient person; I still snap at her without thinking, and then feel awful. But she doesn't want to be like this, she's not doing it deliberately. She and I are victims together, just as you & your Dad are.
It's a tough call, but you'll rise to it. Don't expect to turn into a saint, you
absolutely won't! Expect to feel guilty all the time, it comes with the territory. When you love someone you expect to be able to solve problems for them, sort out difficult situations. This is one which, ultimately, you will lose. But he's 80 years old; he, like my Mum, is going to die of
something, no-one lasts forever.
This Talking Point forum, to my mind, is out-&-out the best source of real life help & information from people who
know. (Not meaning me, I'm just a newbie at this) Contributors here are the 24-hour sons & daughters, wives & husbands of dementia sufferers. It's a different point of view from other "professional" carers, who see the patient for an hour or two, however good they are. Talking Point is my mental lifeline.
Best wishes Lou, see you soon.