How am I supposed to decide?

[Dragonfly1]

Hi there everyone,
I have lived with mum and dad since lockdown. It was a conscious decision to leave our home in the North East. My son lives in the same town as me and my husband and got married last year.
Living with mum and dad has made me aware of How difficult it is took look after my Dad who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in December and seems to be declining very quickly. I am at odds to work out whether I should remain living with Mum and Dad or move back home to be with my son and his wife who may in due course be starting their own family. Am I not seeing the wood for the trees? Should the decision be more simple than I am making it? I just don’t know what to think except my mum and dad both need my support and my sisters as dad seems to be in decline. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me. My husband wants to go home but he understands this may not be possible yet. The last 6 months have to be the most stressful in my life..

 

[TNJJ]

Hi there everyone,
I have lived with mum and dad since lockdown. It was a conscious decision to leave our home in the North East. My son lives in the same town as me and my husband and got married last year.
Living with mum and dad has made me aware of How difficult it is took look after my Dad who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in December and seems to be declining very quickly. I am at odds to work out whether I should remain living with Mum and Dad or move back home to be with my son and his wife who may in due course be starting their own family. Am I not seeing the wood for the trees? Should the decision be more simple than I am making it? I just don’t know what to think except my mum and dad both need my support and my sisters as dad seems to be in decline. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me. My husband wants to go home but he understands this may not be possible yet. The last 6 months have to be the most stressful in my life..

Hi. If it was me I would move back home. I would arrange carers for your mum and dad. They would need an assessment from SS for this.

It is a difficult decision but you have to have a life. We only get the one.
I looked after my dad 4 days a week and got carers in but even that was hard going. I now do it 2 days and carers do the rest.
I also help with mum but in her own home.

You could carry on like this for a long time. Putting your life on hold.. It’s your decision . Only you can decide.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @Dragonfly1 . Could you introduce carers whilst you are there and gradually ease your way out? Continuing to live with your parents is going to be extremely stressful and it may be best all round to get outside help in now so that you can increase that if/when needed.

Another option is moving your parents closer to you but the upheaval may be too much for your parents. I did this when my mother was in the early stages of dementia and not yet diagnosed, so it was easier for me to look after both parents and then mum when Dad died but it wasn't easy. Looking back, I don't regret it but it was an incredibly stressful few years and took up all my time - and energy!

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Dragonfly1 I think @lemonbalm has made a very wise suggestion. I’m sure you’re aware that your mum and dad could need care for years so you need to find a solution that works long term for all of you even if it’s not what your mum and dad would like. Your needs are important too.

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Dragonfly1 You have summed it up in your last sentence.

The last 6 months have to be the most stressful in my life..

It's not going to get better, It's likely to get worse. It almost certainly will get worse. If you are tearing your hair out now, think what you will be like in six months time or in two years with still no end in sight. It is not fair on you or your husband or your family.

Do what @lemonbalm has suggested. Get them some help and then go home.

 

[Whisperer]

Dear @Dragonfly1

just to add a different angle. In 2017 I gave up a reasonably demanding job to care for my mum. Later that year got a part time job in a supermarket two nights a week, best I could do and care. That went at the start of lockdown as the risk working there was just to great with Covid19, potentially bringing the illness home to an elderly mum with underlying health conditions and Dementia. Doubt I could now do such a role with mum slowly declining.

I only mention the above to show i have invested a lot in the caring role. I had no partner to consider nor any children. Just me making a decision. I do not regret my decision but caring slowly takes over your life. I accept my own has gone on hold for an unknown period.

Now in your situation you have a family, a partner, potentially grandchildren in the coming years. You are distant from your home town, friends and familiar circumstances. You have far more to consider. Please accept my next comment is aimed at making you think, look at the same situation slightly differently.

Are some feelings stopping you seeing “the wood for the trees” as you put it. That commonly present one of guilt. It would be wrong to think of your own life, put your feelings first, etc, whispers that insidious little voice in your head. Well consider another view point. You stay with your parents, years possibly pass and grandchildren are something you see on Skype. Talk of a vaccine for Covid19 is at present just that. Your partner will be giving up a lot as well. The stress of Dementia caring will grow, an illness which will just keep taking. Not just financial costs but more importantly emotional as well. I have found that hard to cope with on my own, but even with a partner present it would be tough. Could you end up resenting the sacrifice you were making, grow distant from your parents? Only you know what you are willing to give up, put on hold, for what will be an uncertain and increasingly demanding period. I only had to agree with myself and decide. Far less easy for you.

Try and turn off the guilt voice and ask what realistically can you take on. What can you willingly give up. Getting third party care in place for your parents is not walking away from responsibility, it is not renegading on family responsibility, etc, it is the realistic option if full time caring is not for you. No one should judge you, including yourself. Take your time, be honest with yourself, arrive at a calm and thoughtful decision.

I never faced your conflicted situation. Caring is tough even in my situation. With competing parts of your life I suggest it would be even harder for you. Please do what is right for you whatever you decide and for no other reason.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

 

[Dragonfly1]

T

Hi. If it was me I would move back home. I would arrange carers for your mum and dad. They would need an assessment from SS for this.

It is a difficult decision but you have to have a life. We only get the one.
I looked after my dad 4 days a week and got carers in but even that was hard going. I now do it 2 days and carers do the rest.
I also help with mum but in her own home.

You could carry on like this for a long time. Putting your life on hold.. It’s your decision . Only you can decide.

TNJJ
Thank you for your honesty. I grew up looking after grandparents and would be described as a young carer now. My mum had a part time job so when she was at work me and my sister looked after our grandparents. I have been furloughed until October but I only work one day a week. Just to add to the mix I need a new knee. I do appreciate your candid words of advice. Many thanks.
Lynda

 

[Dragonfly1]

Hello @Dragonfly1 . Could you introduce carers whilst you are there and gradually ease your way out? Continuing to live with your parents is going to be extremely stressful and it may be best all round to get outside help in now so that you can increase that if/when needed.

Another option is moving your parents closer to you but the upheaval may be too much for your parents. I did this when my mother was in the early stages of dementia and not yet diagnosed, so it was easier for me to look after both parents and then mum when Dad died but it wasn't easy. Looking back, I don't regret it but it was an incredibly stressful few years and took up all my time - and energy!

Hi Lemonbalm
I was hoping mum and dad would move closer to me but then my sister would have been devastated. I have considered a move to Liverpool, where my parents live but my husband is hesitant. Yes introducing Carers is a good idea and my sister and I are going to move more swiftly on this matter. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Your support is really valued.
Lynda

 

[Dragonfly1]

Hi @Dragonfly1 I think @lemonbalm has made a very wise suggestion. I’m sure you’re aware that your mum and dad could need care for years so you need to find a solution that works long term for all of you even if it’s not what your mum and dad would like. Your needs are important too.

Hi Bunpoots
I really appreciate your words of wisdom. I have already done caring roles in my youth for grandparents and my Dad who was very ill during my teenage years. We helped mum out because she had a part time job. I know I need to consider my life in all of this and I will give it some serious thought indeed. Many thanks.
Lynda

 

[Dragonfly1]

@Dragonfly1 You have summed it up in your last sentence.

The last 6 months have to be the most stressful in my life..

It's not going to get better, It's likely to get worse. It almost certainly will get worse. If you are tearing your hair out now, think what you will be like in six months time or in two years with still no end in sight. It is not fair on you or your husband or your family.

Do what @lemonbalm has suggested. Get them some help and then go home.

Duggies-girl
Your honesty is greatly appreciated. I will give it some some serious thought without feeling guilty I hope. Thank you.
Lynda

 

[Dragonfly1]

Dear @Dragonfly1

just to add a different angle. In 2017 I gave up a reasonably demanding job to care for my mum. Later that year got a part time job in a supermarket two nights a week, best I could do and care. That went at the start of lockdown as the risk working there was just to great with Covid19, potentially bringing the illness home to an elderly mum with underlying health conditions and Dementia. Doubt I could now do such a role with mum slowly declining.

I only mention the above to show i have invested a lot in the caring role. I had no partner to consider nor any children. Just me making a decision. I do not regret my decision but caring slowly takes over your life. I accept my own has gone on hold for an unknown period.

Now in your situation you have a family, a partner, potentially grandchildren in the coming years. You are distant from your home town, friends and familiar circumstances. You have far more to consider. Please accept my next comment is aimed at making you think, look at the same situation slightly differently.

Are some feelings stopping you seeing “the wood for the trees” as you put it. That commonly present one of guilt. It would be wrong to think of your own life, put your feelings first, etc, whispers that insidious little voice in your head. Well consider another view point. You stay with your parents, years possibly pass and grandchildren are something you see on Skype. Talk of a vaccine for Covid19 is at present just that. Your partner will be giving up a lot as well. The stress of Dementia caring will grow, an illness which will just keep taking. Not just financial costs but more importantly emotional as well. I have found that hard to cope with on my own, but even with a partner present it would be tough. Could you end up resenting the sacrifice you were making, grow distant from your parents? Only you know what you are willing to give up, put on hold, for what will be an uncertain and increasingly demanding period. I only had to agree with myself and decide. Far less easy for you.

Try and turn off the guilt voice and ask what realistically can you take on. What can you willingly give up. Getting third party care in place for your parents is not walking away from responsibility, it is not renegading on family responsibility, etc, it is the realistic option if full time caring is not for you. No one should judge you, including yourself. Take your time, be honest with yourself, arrive at a calm and thoughtful decision.

I never faced your conflicted situation. Caring is tough even in my situation. With competing parts of your life I suggest it would be even harder for you. Please do what is right for you whatever you decide and for no other reason.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi Whisperer
My husband and I have managed to get away to our caravan after my sister told me we had to go because we needed a break. She came for a break with her husband and daughter two weeks ago. My sister has moved in with my mum and dad for the time being. My husband and I are recharging our batteries and clearing our heads so we can perhaps begin to see the wood now without any other pressures. My sister has text me every day and rang everyday since Monday and she is struggling with my Dad. big style too now. We know we have to consider Carers now. I am very grateful for your lengthy, supportive words of advice. Thank you.
Lynda

 

[Duggies-girl]

@Dragonfly1 It may be a good thing that your sister is realising that it is a struggle. You will have to get together and make some decisions when you get back. Hope you find some kind of solution.

Enjoy your break, a caravan trip sounds lovely.