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House

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Thankyou Donkeyshere.

I will probably be coming back here for advice on this my brothers are but some strange things have been suggesting that they still have no idea about the world of the carer. Also invisibles think they know better.

I will also keep you informed about orchestra and those violinists that tend to lose count and play in the rests!

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
I was only thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were getting on, have you found anything yet??
Dear Diane,

My brothers and I are deciding on a price for the house although there are some potential places out there. The inheritance tax form is about to be posted before we apply for probate. The eldest of my two brothers has asked me not to tell him how I am feeling and I am at the point where much as I love this house I will leave as soon as I find the right property whether I am buying or renting.

MaNaAk
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
742
Lytham St Annes
I can see how difficult a time it is for you, but you really can’t possibly decide on a property to buy until you get valuations etc and get an idea on how much you will have available.

I think your doing so well and just need to try and keep thinking positive about it, I know you don’t really want to move, but sadly have to......I know that once everything is sorted and your in your lovely new home, you can relax a little and settle down.

I think it will be better for you relationships with brothers once you have moved and everything is finalised, though why he doesn’t want to hear how your feeling seems insensitive of him.....maybe it makes him feel guilty at wanting the sale to go ahead??

Good luck with everything......thinking of you x
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Thankyou Diane. I will be working on my relationships with my brothers once this is all over unfortunately when I read other people's problems with their invisibles it is clear that mine aren't quite so bad. It may also be that the invisibles need to be in some sort of control.

MaNaAk
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,858
Just catching up with you again, you really are doing very well. Grabbing the nettle!
We have moved a lot, it is always tough but worthwhile in the end. You deserve your own space with items that suit you and your lifestyle. I shall try and follow progress.
Just sorting out a major life change so have a lot of empathy for you.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,079
West Hertfordshire
i think having an estate agent value the property is a good idea. Two r three even, and then sell with the one you choose, or your brothers choose.

Once you have had the valuation, someone needs to work out the costs involved- estate agents % and the legal costs of selling THEN you should have an idea of what funds you have to use for your purchase.

Dont forget , from whatever you get, you'll need to cover buyers costs, so dont look at properties too close to the settlement figure ( Put perhaps 6-10 K to one side if you can)

Good luck! What area of the country are you looking to buy in?
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Thank you both very much. I still need to work out figures but still very stressed after my brother said he didn't want to know about my feelings. However he has been enlightened as to how it feels to be asked this. I have hit a nerve with him and he wants me to include my other brother in these emails and he is more placid although he was an invisible. He also wants me to send details of properties today as if I have nothing else to do and before I have worked all the expenses.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
i think having an estate agent value the property is a good idea. Two r three even, and then sell with the one you choose, or your brothers choose.

Once you have had the valuation, someone needs to work out the costs involved- estate agents % and the legal costs of selling THEN you should have an idea of what funds you have to use for your purchase.

Dont forget , from whatever you get, you'll need to cover buyers costs, so dont look at properties too close to the settlement figure ( Put perhaps 6-10 K to one side if you can)

Good luck! What area of the country are you looking to buy in?
It's Essex.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,079
West Hertfordshire
Thank you both very much. I still need to work out figures but still very stressed after my brother said he didn't want to know about my feelings. However he has been enlightened as to how it feels to be asked this. I have hit a nerve with him and he wants me to include my other brother in these emails and he is more placid although he was an invisible. He also wants me to send details of properties today as if I have nothing else to do and before I have worked all the expenses.

MaNaAk
What, the properties you are looking to buy>W hy do you need to show him? Its your choice surely
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,560
Kent
Unless you want your brothers opinion on prospective properties I wouldn't send him anything. If it is a control thing, this is an ideal opportunity to show him that these decisions are yours alone and you are starting as you mean to carry on.

If he has a healthy interest in trying to help you or you want his input, then that is different
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Thankyou all so much. I have been waking up in the early hours worrying about this and apart from working through this problem does anyone have any other suggestions about how I can relax and get back to sleep.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Hello again!

Just letting you all know that I've been told that I am the cause of all the stress.

MaNaAk
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,712
So sorry that your brothers are not being more supportive. I think the sooner you can get things sorted, find yourself a place and re-group the better. You can then decide what sort of relationship you want with your brothers. At the moment it does not sound a healthy or supportive one.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Thankyou Sarasa. To think that my eldest brother is still seeming to want to come during this half-term is amazing but for the sake of my lovely nephews I will get through it. I need to think of something nice to do when they've gone.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Just a quick update. We've now had all three valuations and I have found a great
help just talking to the estate agents. My youngest brother, his partner and I have started clearing out the house but whilst
taking a break I was told that when this is all over they may not be able to keep in contact with me because of all the stress I have caused.

When all this is over I would like to rebuild my relationship with my brothers (who only communicate by email) but whilst I will try to maintain contact I will see what their behaviour is like. I could have had more help from them but I found their behaviour more difficult when dad went into the home.

Also my attempt at trying to explain that my caring role carried on whilst dad was in the home was unsuccessful. I feel better having shared this with you all and wish I could wave my magic and wish myself into a new flat tomorrow!

MaNaAk
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,560
Kent
Sometimes as I have found with my 2 sisters, the wish for closeness or much contact of siblings is not sought or sadly wished for by them. There perhaps comes a point and you may reach this after the house sale where frankly you are 'chasing a lost cause'. It is hard to realise and then accept that your siblings do not feel the same as you in wanting to maintain contact or just keeping minimal contact once a parent who held all the fanily together has gone. I think if your brother had understood your caring role he would have shown you and empathised a long time ago, I doubt he will ever see or accept your views on the matter.
Hopefully the house will sell quickly and you can settle into your own flat knowing and gaining some comfort that no one else can or should influence your life as before and enjoy the decisions you make and the next stage in your life.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,582
Essex
Yes! I think I started to accept this fact a long time ago and sadly invisibles will never be able to understand the caring role until they become carers themselves. Luckily I have gained strength that they can only dream of as a carer and also I have a wonderful network friends, pupils and neighbours. Also I may be able to strengthen my bond with more distant relatives who would be saddened to hear of this.

MaNaAk