• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

House

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Hello Everyone.

Just updating you on my situation regarding the house. My brother will be submitting the inheritance tax form this month and he has asked myself and my other brother about the house. I did originally suggest that next Xmas would give me time to find a good flat. However we need to clear out some of the stuff from this place first.

I have lived in this house for thirty six years and worked from here but I do want to carry out dad's last wish as he and mum loved all of us. My brother would like a timetable in the next couple of days to clear out stuff and he suggests selling in the summer.

He only communicates on the computer to both myself and my other brother. My brother is on his side on in this case I know what the inevitable is but I was interested in everyone's views.

I have been staying rent-free in a three bedroom house. I wanted them to confirm that they weren't going to pressurise me into the first available flat and they were both surprised by this however I am going to bring a friend along for reassurance.

MaNaAk
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,965
West Hertfordshire
It maybe sounds brutal but...

Why are you putting off the inevitable?

Maybe, hard as it is, you need to change your thinking pattern.

At the moment you are seemingly thinking ''I'll have to find a flat when the house is sold''

Instead think '' I need to get on and find a flat so that the house can be sold''

Have you looked at any yet?
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
1,646
If the position is that financially you can't look/buy a flat until you receive money from the sale of the house it's probably better to sell it sooner rather than later. We've just received an offer on Mum's house but it's been up for sale for 6 months so it may take some time to sell your Dad's house. In the meantime start looking for somewhere to rent so that when the house does sell you can then spend time looking for somewhere to buy without feeling under pressure.i think that you brother's suggestion of selling it in the summer is very fair as it gives you 6 months or so to find somewhere else to live. It's hard to leave a home you've lived in for so long but it has to be done so best to start being a bit proactive as it will relieve some pressure on you.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Thankyou two and Jess you are not brutal. I am having the house valued on Tuesday and I have been given some property details. I have thought about what you said Louise and suggested to my youngest brother that I will be renting if I don't find a place before summer but he doesn't believe me and he reminded of goals that he pressured me one and a half weeks dad's death so I am going to go ahead and look at properties whether he comes with me or not.

Some of the properties that I have been look very promising and also with regard to clearing out the house I would like to get a move going as soon as possible so that I can accommodate the stuff that I fear would disappear. Please don't get me wrong because I love my brothers and I know that they would be willing to help with the move.

MaNaAk
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
566
Lytham St Annes
In an ideal world everything would go smoothly, you could sell and buy at same time.......but in reality I think it would be much more practical to rent initially.....just so you could sort out your current home sooner, take anything you want to your new home from your Dads house, and then the rest can be cleared of everything else you and the family don’t want.

I know it will mean moving twice, but I would try to leave some things packed, for when you eventually buy.

To me it seems breaking things up into manageable tasks would be better - find somewhere to rent, pack up and move out, put house on market, clear all the other items you and family don’t want, when property is sold, you can then work out how much you have for new purchase etc.

From my perception your brothers have not been as supportive as they may have been, but I am sure they will help and support you more once they are sure things are in motion to move out as soon as you can do so, and I know you have supportive friends too.

I wish you lots of good luck, and I think your doing really well as I understand it’s a difficult time and stressful situation.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Dear Diane,

More good advice and I shall probably need more on the way. At 55 I am a first time buyer and yes it is a difficult time but part of me is thinking that I will have a place of my own at my age! I will keep you all posted.

MaNaAk
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,473
Kent
Sometimes when we have to reluctantly make a decision and change something...job, housing, relationships...although really tough at the time, often once the change has been made it turns out to be the best thing that could have happened. You may well find this is the case for you @MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Dear Lovedadbut,

I was hoping you would reply and I am forming from my wonderful friends. Of course I have golden memories here and when I spoke to my brother this morning I mentioned to him for the first time about dad saying to me "I want you to remember the person I was" and I told him that dad had said that before diagnosis so my brother has a small idea of what dad went through in the early stages.

My brothers are not convinced that I am moving yet but they will be convinced soon and I will keep posting for more advice and let you all know how I'm getting on. I still imagine your dad in pink diamanté glasses and my brother's partner and had good laugh when dad unpacked my brother's parcel full of his trendy with the intention of wearing. Also the never ending walking sticks being shared by dad, resident B and resident M in the care home!

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Hello Everyone!

I have been emailing my brothers and we've all been sending productive emails to each other. One of them is concerned about me spending all my money on renting before this lovely house is sold and he has suggested going to house that is let or taking time off and living with him for a month. The latter is a lovely idea but may not be that practical for me during term time if I have pupils doing exams but it shows that he is thinking about me.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Hello Everyone!

As you know things are moving on but I still feel stressed. I know my situation is rather unique but I suppose as things start to move on a bit more I should feel better.

The thought having my own place is good but I just feel a bit jumbled up.

MaNaAk
 

DianeW

Registered User
Sep 10, 2013
566
Lytham St Annes
I think it’s perfectly normal for you to feel jumbled up...........

It’s such a big ordeal and a stressful time, sadly as your being forced to move all you can do really is get on with it and make plans.

In one respect it is positive, and you are going to be able to find a new home, and make it your own.....that will be nice.

Have you found any possibilities yet?
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Well I've got details of a couple of lovely flats but I am the house valued on Tuesday to get more of an idea of what my share of the house could be and I have approached other agents as well.
MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
I'm also hoping for more emotional support from my brothers now as they have partners and I'm on my own but as you've said I've done very well.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Just letting you all know that when we did probate it was all on-line and the section concerning valueing the house was completed with information from zoopla. Now that we are selling the house and working what we could be entitled to my brothers are both going with the on-line figure I don't see how this figure can value the inside of the house as well so I am insisting on the free valuations of an estate agent. I will be getting advice from a few them after all as I have to move out I think I deserve to get different quotations so that I have a better idea of what I can afford. @Jessbow I am taking control!

MaNaAk
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,473
Kent
It is good to get the house valued by a visiting agent, I understand Zoopla is a rough ball park online estimate based sometimes on what the house has sold for previously or market value in your area comparing with similar houses. Hopefully your share will be enough to buy something you like.

Yes...I can still picture the paramedic's face in the back of the ambulance trying to stifle giggles at the most attractive diamonte pink glasses! Makes me smile.
Like your dad, sticks became an obsession and it shows how his mixed up thoughts through dementia presented..somewhere in dad's mind he knew he needed a stick but forgetting why and how...so 3 sticks he found around the home carrying safely tucked under his arm did the job!:D I try to focus on these memories now rather than the unpleasant and agitated, sad memories when dementia took a different turn on different days.

Good luck with your search.
 
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MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Dear Lovedadbut,

Thankyou for your brilliant support and yes zoopla would be based on how much houses have sold for in my area but not any work I've had done in the house. After waking up at heaven knows what hour again I can't wait to resolve this issue. All this and the probate forms have just been posted!

One special memory I have of dad is arriving at the care home to have supper with him and the carers explaining that they had to put him on another table because of the noise! Originally he had been put on a certain table because of his diabetes but all three people on this table were deaf and two had dementia so you can imagine what it was like!

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
I should have said that dad used to regard the care home as his old telephone exchange so you can imagine the scene!

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
1,589
Essex
Hello Everyone!

I'm just posting to say that there may be times when I won't be able to come on here as much as before because I am busy with house valuations, clearing and looking for flats. That said I still want to offer advice and I find Talking Point addictive.

MaNaAk
 

Donkeyshere

Registered User
May 25, 2016
461
channel islands
Hello Everyone!

I'm just posting to say that there may be times when I won't be able to come on here as much as before because I am busy with house valuations, clearing and looking for flats. That said I still want to offer advice and I find Talking Point addictive.

MaNaAk
Hope it all gets sorted - keep in touch X