"hotel" for the bewildered

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by mrs mcgonnagal, May 12, 2015.

  1. mrs mcgonnagal

    mrs mcgonnagal Registered User

    May 9, 2015
    I very recently joined this forum and I am saddened to read some of the desperate calls for help daily on here. I am caring for my mam after finding myself 'still' here after the death of my father. Just tonight post titles such as "will I have to give up work" and "I can't cope" are resonating strongly with me and my sympathies go to you all. Today has been an awful day, after 4 days of no sleep, ranting, upset, and abuse, alongside worries of going bankrupt, yesterday I rang my mams GP, she put me onto the mental health team, who passed me onto social services. It was decided by social worker respite was needed. I was so grateful, I just cried. SW gave me the name of the care home and said she would be round in half hour with a member of their staff to do an assessment for a start tomorrow. Whilst wating their arrival I looked at the CQC report to find there are serious safeguarding problems at this care home. This is the first time I have considered respite, and I was shocked that Social services would do this. The home has rated 'needs improvement' and 'inadequate' across the board. So they came, I nearly didnt let them in but decided to see what they had to say. They explained to my poor mother that I was tired and needed a rest, and would she go to this care home that is really a hotel. She started screaming and shaking and I told them to go. They shot out so fast that one of them left their bag they couldn't get gone quickly enough. This is after 6 months of waiting for / asking for help such as sitters or a couple of hours off with no result. So tonight I am still here, mam is calmer but I am back to square one. How can it be the Social Services recommended a place that is unsafe? How can you trust anyone? A hotel?? She is sick but not daft. How insulting.
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    I am sorry they recommended an inadequate care home, but to be fair, the hotel line is one a lot of us are using to try and convince loved ones to go into respite as that can be a real problem, as you have seen.
  3. MissDiane

    MissDiane Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    I have just had a similar experience, my mum needed to go into care urgently to give my dad a much needed break, social services gave me two care home names, one I knew was very poor and another I knew nothing about. I was told just go and see for yourself. Upon a visit all looked ok, and mum stayed but things deteriorated rapidly (I was away for 3 days) and when I came back mum was totally traumatised and I had to remove her asap. She had no access to her own room, no water in her room, no TV, a mans clothes under her pillow and no activities except staring at a blank wall. My mum was perfectly capable of having conversations although they would be a little repetitive but she needed the stimulation. Looking on the quality care commission website I can now understand a little of what went on and I am disappointed that the home was suggested in the first place. I have learned now to do your own research before agreeing to anything.
  4. mrs mcgonnagal

    mrs mcgonnagal Registered User

    May 9, 2015
    I agree, research is needed, in a crisis I hoped though for informed help. It seems to me social workers should be aware of safeguarding issues surely. If I could find the report she could, and she deals with this on a daily basis.
    My mam has great awareness, the hotel story for her was just flannel and unfair. I can absolutely see friendly fibs being used for peoples best interests, we all use them in certain situations.
  5. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    I can't believe social services are using homes that have been poorly rated by the CQC. If this is continuing to happen then there isn't any point in having the CQC rate homes. I feel for you in this really difficult situation. I never used the hotel line, only that I needed a break for a few days and would she have a break too because I wasn't happy about not being with her and leaving her alone to sort out any problems. Actually it didn't make much difference to be honest and we never did get a break, she was so adamant that she wouldn't go.

    I do believe that people in their 80s and older had mothers and fathers who were left in terrible conditions in homes even 30 years ago. I used to work with older people as a newly qualified speech therapists and they lived in really terrible homes. I left in the end - it was just too difficult and I couldn't leave the work behind. That is what they are frightened of and with good reason. I know that doesn't help you much but at least it might help it make some sense.

    You don't have to accept the home that they offer. It would be well worth visiting your local homes anyway, with or without your Mum (although I took mine, mindful of the fact that I wouldn't want to go anywhere I hadn't seen if I was in her position). We looked at 15 altogether and I only found one where I would be happy to leave her! We never did use it but it was my security blanket knowing that if things got really bad I would have done my research and insist on the one that I wanted for her ...actually I put her name on the waiting list with the agreement that we could keep moving down until we needed it. It made me feel that I had another option if I really couldn't cope.

    I don't know if any of this is helpful but I really do feel for you x
  6. mrs mcgonnagal

    mrs mcgonnagal Registered User

    May 9, 2015
    Thanks, yes, and of course she is frightened, stressed and angry anyway. Up all night again. At this rate it really is going to be me ending up in a care home:(
  7. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Your post has really helped me to make sure that I have a good look around at C H's and don't rely entirely on the recommendations of professionals. I sincerely hope that this is resolved to your satisfaction very soon.
  8. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    #8 lin1, May 13, 2015
    Last edited: May 13, 2015
    Hi.. It is terrible that SS are offering placements to places with serious Safeguarding problems.
    Though I cant be sure , I think they provide names of places that have vacancies when they may well not have checked the latest CQC reports.

    Just on the off chance it would be a good idea to have the GP check to see if Mum has an infection.. UTI's urinary tract infection and chest infections are common culprits of these sudden downturns.
    In older people and those with Dementia often the only signs of infection is greater confusion , agitation etc, without any of the usual signs of illness such as a temperature
    I suggest you arrange to have a sample of Mums urine tested, even if mum has only a very slight cough it would be best if the GP checks this out too
    I was terrified at the awful effect mums first UTI had on her , luckily after it was successfully treated mum returned to her previous self .

    TBH I found various charities more helpful , they know what is available in your area , run various things like support groups courses, day centres may help with claiming benefits and form filling
    So I strongly suggest you contact your Local Age UK formally age concern and Alzheimer's society
    My local Age UK put me in contact with another Charity Crossroads, that provided a few hours respite per week, by trained paid carers , you may have them or something similar in your area. , they also put me in contact with Admiral Nurses , back in a mo with a link and in their words someone to chat with me (counselling) :) once a month
    Sadly Admiral nurses are few and far between , they do have a national helpline

    When you have a little time , I suggest you do a little research of your own and visit some care homes locally , a friend used to be a carer in a rather nice looking and very expensive £1500 per week place local to me, which was built specifically as a residential home with nursing and dementia care including EMI , some of the tales he told me were hair curling, things like only being allowed 10 minutes to feed a person and only three people on duty at night to cover the three floors, their was lots more .
    he left and went into a small place , he said it was an old place needed a bit of doing up, the staff had the time to interact with the residents not just do the washing, feeding ect, what I'm trying to say is don't go by the looks of a place .
  9. nessy22

    nessy22 Registered User

    Nov 22, 2014
    Poor you. SS seem to have let you down. I was in simllar situation 6 months ago but unfortunately Mum was in NHS hospital for assessment having been picked up wandering not safely at night ( for the 3rd time ). Mum still very aware, wanting to go home, but needing to move to a CH. I had time when she was at home to research and visit all the 10 council approved CHs in the area.. I was told I could make 3 choices if not self funding. At that point you had to wait until vacancy came up. As Mum was self funding I could make private arrangement. That helps. If not self funding she would have had to stay in the NHS unit, or go home with me 24hrs, until vacancy came up.

    Not quite same situation as yours but NHS staff were excellent and I must say told very few 'iies' to Mum. She would never have bought the 'hotel' story.

    So start researching and keep one step ahead.Asking around friends, even your Mum's friends, might also help. There must be some good homes in your area? Fingers crossed.
  10. mrs mcgonnagal

    mrs mcgonnagal Registered User

    May 9, 2015
    Thank you so much everyone for your replies.
    Gp has had sample, as I know from experience about infections
    I very much appreciate all this advice because when you are so tired you cannot think straight.

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