Hostess mode in action

[Lavender45]

The title pretty much sums it up. Mum's favourite nephew came for a flying visit this morning. Mum was quiet, she joined in a bit, but the point is she sat down for about 2 hours. Mum hasn't been able to sit still since she had a TIA at the end of last month. We have had over 2 weeks of pacing and wanting to sit outdoors in a t-shirt and crying over the smallest things, a fair number of which aren't true.

I know it's the Alzheimer's, but it's so draining, I'm stressed. I front of my cousin hostess mode was in full force, the minute he went upstairs to go to the bathroom she was on her feet and pacing, the minute she heard him returning she sat down. I know questioning is pointless, but I said why not pace in front of J***, her answer was she couldn't let him see how she is. It really frustrated me, I am her sole carer and as such I bare the brunt of all her moods, mum is very muddled to say the least, yet with it enough to hide her symptoms when it suits. No wonder family think I exagerate! There's no real way to fix this, it's just arrrhhhhhh!!!

 

[Amy in the US]

Lavender, no advice here, no wisdom, just sympathy and a big squashy (hug) to you.

I am still amazed at how well PWDs can function in hostess mode. Last year when we took my mother out for Christmas dinner the server was very patient and kind with her (she can't read the menus any longer, her table manners/motor skills are deteriorating, among other things) and I went back afterwards to thank the server, telling him my mother has Alzheimer's and he made things easier. He was genuinely shocked and blurted out that he didn't notice and wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong with her! He must not have heard any of the confabulations coming out of her mouth, then!

And since we moved her to memory care, she managed to convince one of the new nurses that she took a particular medication (that she's never taken in her life) and had them running all over to sort it. I finally got exasperated and said, you DO know she has dementia, right? She also manages to hide some of her medications from the nurses--one of head nurses has caught on and tells me she deliberately distracts them and then puts them in her pocket while pretending to swallow them. How someone whose dementia is so advanced, that she often thinks it's 1960, can manage that level of planning and execution, I will never understand. She doesn't have the executive function to change her clothes so how can she trick the trained staff??

Sorry, I was dithering about my own problems. Lavender, I can only imagine how frustrating all of this must be for you. I'm sorry.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Lavender45
quite a compliment that your mum will let you see her as she really is - my sympathy at how frustrating this is though

I wonder - does the nephew visit often, or could he be persuaded/tricked into visiting again soon - ask him to leave the room a few times and then hang around outside, with the door just slightly open so that he can gather what's really going on - even have the same conversation with your mum so he can hear her
I appreciate this is a bit underhand; just seems as though you could do with another family member being in the know and so a bit of an ally

best wishes

 

[Bod]

hi Lavender45
quite a compliment that your mum will let you see her as she really is - my sympathy at how frustrating this is though

I wonder - does the nephew visit often, or could he be persuaded/tricked into visiting again soon - ask him to leave the room a few times and then hang around outside, with the door just slightly open so that he can gather what's really going on - even have the same conversation with your mum so he can hear her
I appreciate this is a bit underhand; just seems as though you could do with another family member being in the know and so a bit of an ally

best wishes

+1 from me.

Bod

 

[LYN T]

So infuriating isn't it? Pete could spend all day, and most of the night, pacing, shadowing and moving objects. It wasn't because we didn't go out because we did so it wasn't lack of exercise. When we had visitors he went through a stage of still being able to put on his 'public face' and sit down. As soon as they were out of the door he was off again.

I never understood how/why that ever happened.

XXXXXX

 

[rosy18]

That is soooo infuriating Lavender I have different cousins visiting probably every three weeks which is lovely but Mum sits quietly says very little just enough to be joining in but will go with me to the kitchen whilst I'm making a drink or something to eat asking me when are they leaving as we need to get home quickly and then will make faces at me for us to leave whilst nobody is focused on Mum and so my cousins leave thinking Mum is doing great and I'm left with Mum saying we're unsafe and need to leave as well for about an hour until she's exhausted herself.
You have my sympathy Lavender it never ceases to amaze me just how devious they can still be and yet not remember how old they are.xx

 

[slim-jim]

The title pretty much sums it up. Mum's favourite nephew came for a flying visit this morning. Mum was quiet, she joined in a bit, but the point is she sat down for about 2 hours. Mum hasn't been able to sit still since she had a TIA at the end of last month. We have had over 2 weeks of pacing and wanting to sit outdoors in a t-shirt and crying over the smallest things, a fair number of which aren't true.

I know it's the Alzheimer's, but it's so draining, I'm stressed. I front of my cousin hostess mode was in full force, the minute he went upstairs to go to the bathroom she was on her feet and pacing, the minute she heard him returning she sat down. I know questioning is pointless, but I said why not pace in front of J***, her answer was she couldn't let him see how she is. It really frustrated me, I am her sole carer and as such I bare the brunt of all her moods, mum is very muddled to say the least, yet with it enough to hide her symptoms when it suits. No wonder family think I exagerate! There's no real way to fix this, it's just arrrhhhhhh!!!

I really do sympathise as this sums up my dear wife perfectly.I really do think that casual friends think I am exaggerating her condition.do we just not bother explaining the true condition when they ask.

 

[slim-jim]

Lavender, no advice here, no wisdom, just sympathy and a big squashy (hug) to you.

I am still amazed at how well PWDs can function in hostess mode. Last year when we took my mother out for Christmas dinner the server was very patient and kind with her (she can't read the menus any longer, her table manners/motor skills are deteriorating, among other things) and I went back afterwards to thank the server, telling him my mother has Alzheimer's and he made things easier. He was genuinely shocked and blurted out that he didn't notice and wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong with her! He must not have heard any of the confabulations coming out of her mouth, then!

And since we moved her to memory care, she managed to convince one of the new nurses that she took a particular medication (that she's never taken in her life) and had them running all over to sort it. I finally got exasperated and said, you DO know she has dementia, right? She also manages to hide some of her medications from the nurses--one of head nurses has caught on and tells me she deliberately distracts them and then puts them in her pocket while pretending to swallow them. How someone whose dementia is so advanced, that she often thinks it's 1960, can manage that level of planning and execution, I will never understand. She doesn't have the executive function to change her clothes so how can she trick the trained staff??

Sorry, I was dithering about my own problems. Lavender, I can only imagine how frustrating all of this must be for you. I'm sorry.

I think I will stop answering in detail when asked how is your wife.as I really think casual friends think I am exaggerating and therefore frown on me for not giving the answer they want to hear.

 

[canary]

I think I will stop answering in detail when asked how is your wife.as I really think casual friends think I am exaggerating and therefore frown on me for not giving the answer they want to hear.

I think a lot of people dont really want to know the answer because their inquiries are just from politeness


PS - this is an old thread from 2016, although the advice is still valid

 

[Agzy]

It is one of the most frustrating of all actions as it gives the lie when you have been telling the doubting and invisible family members what you have been going through.

 

[MaNaAk]

I remember my brother and his family coming for a visit and dad quietly asking me which of his grandchildren are which whilst in full host mode.

MaNaAk