School holidays I would take kids out and he'd make me feel so guilty , didn't I think he'd wanna go,why didn't I wait till the weekend so he could come too,so would wait till weekend and he'd be either too tired or he didn't want to go there,he wanted to go somewhere else.
The one thing I haven't quite worked out is I do kinda control the money, when I worked wages and bills went in/ out of my account, when he started working he wouldn't have wages paid in his,his reasoning was bills were all set up from my account so easier to just have wages into my account.never any interest in what funds we have,or paying bills, that was always left to me.
But constantly saying no to the kids if they asked for something or wanted to go somewhere because we were skint even though he had no idea if we were.
Asked for takeaways all the time if told no automatically jumped to we must be skint and you could see him panicking and trying to think of things to sell but wouldn't listen when told we weren't, so I just started yes to take aways for a quiet life.
Refused to have a wallet (and phone but that's another issue), he has access to money in my account through eBay, Amazon, PayPal but I learnt yrs ago I have to do any shopping in one big go, food, Xmas, clothing because any time he saw that I had spent money we'd have a few parcels turn up for him, not connected to how much I'd spent but to no of occasions I'd spent money,very much like a little kid too, always had to buy him to,kids had sweets he had to have too.
He's never really had a proper concept of money either, 5 parcels turn up but they only cost 4£ each but multiple items, p&p for each soons start adding up. Now he doesn't even look at price,forgets ordering stuff....have found myself thinking was the money thing actually early signs of whatever is going on now...was it some form of control that I can't place..am I'm just making excuses for him .
The money situation has actually worked out well for me and the kids in the end,they don't get an allowance ( that he knows off) it's almost impossible to give them chores or for them to ask for money it's not worth the hassle from him but I have managed to get bank accounts set up for them and standing orders, money straight into their accounts,he has no idea,I have just finished setting up same for the youngest.
Our eldest doesn't live at home, she has her own family and a spare bedroom, all the kids that are still at home take advantage of that spare bedroom. Whether for a break from home,or as a base for if the fair is in town for example,older ones will stay over there after going fair to avoid hassles from home, youngest one actually stayed there for 2 weeks during one of the lockdowns.
I know they go just to have'bitching getting stuff of chest time'. They can go there any time they want an HR or a week,they don't even have to wait for eldest to be at home, she gave us spare key.
Eldest also takes youngest out for day trips ( I supply the cash,she supplies the opportunity) I can't manage them anymore, my pain lvls just get to much,I can just about manage around supermarket or couple of smaller shops with crutches but really need scooter for longer things , and with OH they don't tend to be what she wants to do it's what he wants to do.
I had a great childhood and I'm determined to give them the best childhood I can,if that means scheming behind his back then so be it.
I'm proud when I see my 11 yr old standing up for herself, she's not going to let anyone walk all over her but at the same time I cringe inside,she needs to pick her battles and learn to lie/ walk away for her own sanity.
Schools now actually ask if you consider your child a young carer and I have actually said yes,not only the OH but with me too as they do help me whenever they can .there are extra things on at school to help them, homework clubs, after school clubs get priority,teachers extra aware if work starts sliding, alsorts but as of yet none have felt the need to access anything, every kid in school gets a 1 on 1 tutor meeting regularly where work/ concerns get discussed flagged, they have been using these to check on young carers. Don't know if this is every school or just our area