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Host mode cause deterioration?

slim-jim

Registered User
Sep 6, 2020
40
0
We had a very stressful emergency with one of the kids at the weekend, (all fine now).

OH went into what I believe to be 'host mode' for 3 hrs with the police and ever since he has been sleeping pretty much all day, memory all over the place and either a scowl or totally blank face.

Has he just tired himself out or stress caused a lapse or can 'host mode' for any length of time cause deterioration?
Please take a look at my post the other day.re more confusion than normal after having visitors or carers.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
@DesperateofDevon I don't actually have any friends and I am not really close to any family members any more,I am close to my mum and used to get out with her and have a good moan, OH wouldn't come due to us going shopping and cafes ( hated it) but due to things currently going on in mum's life I have to go to hers and OH has always tagged along to hers.

OH has always been controlling and manipulative but in subtle ways that you don't really realize until years later and you look back on it.
Always encouraged to go out with friends but then he makes life uncomfortable so you start declining invites and eventually invites stop.

Same with family, family would come here and he'd disappear upstairs made family uncomfortable, they'd ask where he was, I'd make excuses for him, they eventually stopped coming,only see them on birthdays.
Family parties/meals ect started of fine but he'd soon be trying to leave,we never stayed long, that then changed to why don't you go for a quick drink,show your face, family all eating,me making excuses for him, I'm constantly clock watching knowing I can't be too long, eventually just stopped going.

At one point I worked he stayed home with kids,he would meet me from work, aw sweet I used to think but it was more about not hanging around after work, chatting/ making friends with work mates, making sure was going straight home.

Then he worked I stayed home, school ho
 

Melles Belles

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
816
0
South east
I have read that narcissists are six times more likely to get dementia.
There seem to be quite a few PWDs who have been controlling characters throughout their adult life. A lack of social contact caused by alienation of friends and family, and stress and anxiety as they find it harder to control others as they age. All risk factors for dementia.
I can think of a few who fit this.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,728
0
Yorkshire
hi @Unsure2021
what you describe sounds difficult for you and your children
especially as your husband will not see his GP
are you able to make an appointment for yourself so you can tell your GP what life is like for you, and do either tell them all you have posted here or show them your posts ... maybe they will have some ideas on how to support you

honestly, what you describe is abusive behaviour ... have a look here and maybe contact the helpline given so you can talk about your situation

is it possible for you to get back in touch with a family member, for some company at the least ... they may be just hoping that you will

and keep posting here as it helps to share
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
Inappropriate comments are more like there's no filter between his brain and mouth.

things like pausing a film to make a joke about "they would have seen him in the dark if he had smiled" . Then spending 5 mins laughing at his own joke.

Standing in garden and saying things like. " Where's the thieving gypsies when you want them,can guarantee if we didn't have things to get rid off they'd have been here robbing everything off the garden" loudly

Then there are more sexual ones , I've heard mum and finger banging in a sentence within kids earshot ,let's just say I started talking very loudly over him in that instance so not 100% sure what he actually said.

And then combined groping and comments.. grabbing a boob and when told no.."it's time of month so can't do anything about it so might as well let me"

Loads of comments about being politically correct, race,colour,sex, disability...

Daily basis, doesn't matter who is in earshot, one day wrong person is going to overhear him and he's gonna be in trouble
Totally agree with @canary typical Frontal lobe damage, & usually still high functioning & able to do superb “hostess mode”
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
@DesperateofDevon I don't actually have any friends and I am not really close to any family members any more,I am close to my mum and used to get out with her and have a good moan, OH wouldn't come due to us going shopping and cafes ( hated it) but due to things currently going on in mum's life I have to go to hers and OH has always tagged along to hers.

OH has always been controlling and manipulative but in subtle ways that you don't really realize until years later and you look back on it.
Always encouraged to go out with friends but then he makes life uncomfortable so you start declining invites and eventually invites stop.

Same with family, family would come here and he'd disappear upstairs made family uncomfortable, they'd ask where he was, I'd make excuses for him, they eventually stopped coming,only see them on birthdays.
Family parties/meals ect started of fine but he'd soon be trying to leave,we never stayed long, that then changed to why don't you go for a quick drink,show your face, family all eating,me making excuses for him, I'm constantly clock watching knowing I can't be too long, eventually just stopped going.

At one point I worked he stayed home with kids,he would meet me from work, aw sweet I used to think but it was more about not hanging around after work, chatting/ making friends with work mates, making sure was going straight home.

Then he worked I stayed home, school ho
Wow that’s my Mum you have described! Controlling & undermining relationships leaving you isolated.
@Shedrech is right this is a form of domestic abuse - psychological, never underestimate the impact this has on yourself or the children please.
Seriously you must feel daunted by it all, but you need to put yourself first & foremost.
Firstly make a face to face appointment with your GP. Tell the receptionist it has to be face to face.

Secondly you need to let your kids school know what is going on. Your 11 yr old is struggling & you need to get her the help she needs otherwise this could get worse. She’s not going to back down, & neither should she - it’s your OH whose behaviour is out of order.

If your husband drives, then do not get into the car with him or let the kids. If he’s had a vascular episode & behavioural changes this is more likely to happen again soon after the last. Is it worth the risk?

Speak to your daughters friends Mum , please don’t hide the fact that you & your kids are in this situation. Believe me your kids will be talking to their friends & sharing how they feel, the resentment, the issues.
Difficult I know but your kids & you are experiencing this & by being open you will build a network.

Psychological abuse is well recognised now , & your OH behaviour has led to your 11yr old not wanting to come home … how heartbreaking. Home is meant to be your safe place, I avoided home as an older teen & used to stay at friends. All of my friends though I down played the reasons knew just by meeting my Mum that she was the problem. I thought my excuses covered up the reasons.

I know it’s difficult but what ever I can do to support you along with soo many others on here we will do.

please don’t wait for another crisis - your kid not wanting to come home is a crisis that has already happened.

Ring your GP lovely
please
((hugs))
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
I have read that narcissists are six times more likely to get dementia.
There seem to be quite a few PWDs who have been controlling characters throughout their adult life. A lack of social contact caused by alienation of friends and family, and stress and anxiety as they find it harder to control others as they age. All risk factors for dementia.
I can think of a few who fit this.
Yes there are links with frontal lobe issues, & so horrid for the family in this situation
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
School holidays I would take kids out and he'd make me feel so guilty , didn't I think he'd wanna go,why didn't I wait till the weekend so he could come too,so would wait till weekend and he'd be either too tired or he didn't want to go there,he wanted to go somewhere else.

The one thing I haven't quite worked out is I do kinda control the money, when I worked wages and bills went in/ out of my account, when he started working he wouldn't have wages paid in his,his reasoning was bills were all set up from my account so easier to just have wages into my account.never any interest in what funds we have,or paying bills, that was always left to me.
But constantly saying no to the kids if they asked for something or wanted to go somewhere because we were skint even though he had no idea if we were.

Asked for takeaways all the time if told no automatically jumped to we must be skint and you could see him panicking and trying to think of things to sell but wouldn't listen when told we weren't, so I just started yes to take aways for a quiet life.

Refused to have a wallet (and phone but that's another issue), he has access to money in my account through eBay, Amazon, PayPal but I learnt yrs ago I have to do any shopping in one big go, food, Xmas, clothing because any time he saw that I had spent money we'd have a few parcels turn up for him, not connected to how much I'd spent but to no of occasions I'd spent money,very much like a little kid too, always had to buy him to,kids had sweets he had to have too.

He's never really had a proper concept of money either, 5 parcels turn up but they only cost 4£ each but multiple items, p&p for each soons start adding up. Now he doesn't even look at price,forgets ordering stuff....have found myself thinking was the money thing actually early signs of whatever is going on now...was it some form of control that I can't place..am I'm just making excuses for him .

The money situation has actually worked out well for me and the kids in the end,they don't get an allowance ( that he knows off) it's almost impossible to give them chores or for them to ask for money it's not worth the hassle from him but I have managed to get bank accounts set up for them and standing orders, money straight into their accounts,he has no idea,I have just finished setting up same for the youngest.

Our eldest doesn't live at home, she has her own family and a spare bedroom, all the kids that are still at home take advantage of that spare bedroom. Whether for a break from home,or as a base for if the fair is in town for example,older ones will stay over there after going fair to avoid hassles from home, youngest one actually stayed there for 2 weeks during one of the lockdowns.

I know they go just to have'bitching getting stuff of chest time'. They can go there any time they want an HR or a week,they don't even have to wait for eldest to be at home, she gave us spare key.

Eldest also takes youngest out for day trips ( I supply the cash,she supplies the opportunity) I can't manage them anymore, my pain lvls just get to much,I can just about manage around supermarket or couple of smaller shops with crutches but really need scooter for longer things , and with OH they don't tend to be what she wants to do it's what he wants to do.

I had a great childhood and I'm determined to give them the best childhood I can,if that means scheming behind his back then so be it.

I'm proud when I see my 11 yr old standing up for herself, she's not going to let anyone walk all over her but at the same time I cringe inside,she needs to pick her battles and learn to lie/ walk away for her own sanity.

Schools now actually ask if you consider your child a young carer and I have actually said yes,not only the OH but with me too as they do help me whenever they can .there are extra things on at school to help them, homework clubs, after school clubs get priority,teachers extra aware if work starts sliding, alsorts but as of yet none have felt the need to access anything, every kid in school gets a 1 on 1 tutor meeting regularly where work/ concerns get discussed flagged, they have been using these to check on young carers. Don't know if this is every school or just our area
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
School holidays I would take kids out and he'd make me feel so guilty , didn't I think he'd wanna go,why didn't I wait till the weekend so he could come too,so would wait till weekend and he'd be either too tired or he didn't want to go there,he wanted to go somewhere else.

The one thing I haven't quite worked out is I do kinda control the money, when I worked wages and bills went in/ out of my account, when he started working he wouldn't have wages paid in his,his reasoning was bills were all set up from my account so easier to just have wages into my account.never any interest in what funds we have,or paying bills, that was always left to me.
But constantly saying no to the kids if they asked for something or wanted to go somewhere because we were skint even though he had no idea if we were.

Asked for takeaways all the time if told no automatically jumped to we must be skint and you could see him panicking and trying to think of things to sell but wouldn't listen when told we weren't, so I just started yes to take aways for a quiet life.

Refused to have a wallet (and phone but that's another issue), he has access to money in my account through eBay, Amazon, PayPal but I learnt yrs ago I have to do any shopping in one big go, food, Xmas, clothing because any time he saw that I had spent money we'd have a few parcels turn up for him, not connected to how much I'd spent but to no of occasions I'd spent money,very much like a little kid too, always had to buy him to,kids had sweets he had to have too.

He's never really had a proper concept of money either, 5 parcels turn up but they only cost 4£ each but multiple items, p&p for each soons start adding up. Now he doesn't even look at price,forgets ordering stuff....have found myself thinking was the money thing actually early signs of whatever is going on now...was it some form of control that I can't place..am I'm just making excuses for him .

The money situation has actually worked out well for me and the kids in the end,they don't get an allowance ( that he knows off) it's almost impossible to give them chores or for them to ask for money it's not worth the hassle from him but I have managed to get bank accounts set up for them and standing orders, money straight into their accounts,he has no idea,I have just finished setting up same for the youngest.

Our eldest doesn't live at home, she has her own family and a spare bedroom, all the kids that are still at home take advantage of that spare bedroom. Whether for a break from home,or as a base for if the fair is in town for example,older ones will stay over there after going fair to avoid hassles from home, youngest one actually stayed there for 2 weeks during one of the lockdowns.

I know they go just to have'bitching getting stuff of chest time'. They can go there any time they want an HR or a week,they don't even have to wait for eldest to be at home, she gave us spare key.

Eldest also takes youngest out for day trips ( I supply the cash,she supplies the opportunity) I can't manage them anymore, my pain lvls just get to much,I can just about manage around supermarket or couple of smaller shops with crutches but really need scooter for longer things , and with OH they don't tend to be what she wants to do it's what he wants to do.

I had a great childhood and I'm determined to give them the best childhood I can,if that means scheming behind his back then so be it.

I'm proud when I see my 11 yr old standing up for herself, she's not going to let anyone walk all over her but at the same time I cringe inside,she needs to pick her battles and learn to lie/ walk away for her own sanity.

Schools now actually ask if you consider your child a young carer and I have actually said yes,not only the OH but with me too as they do help me whenever they can .there are extra things on at school to help them, homework clubs, after school clubs get priority,teachers extra aware if work starts sliding, alsorts but as of yet none have felt the need to access anything, every kid in school gets a 1 on 1 tutor meeting regularly where work/ concerns get discussed flagged, they have been using these to check on young carers. Don't know if this is every school or just our area
That’s fantastic, now you need the same support network!
Please get an appointment with your GP & get all this documented on your notes. it really does help later on x
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
129
0
It's the first time she hasn't kept me updated with where she was, she's normally an incredibly well behaved kid, yeah 5 mins late here and there, I don't see too much of an issue there,as it's not a regular thing.

I've tried and tried telling her, asking, explaining that life is easier if she just walks away, give it 10 minutes and he will have forgotten all about whatever he's going on about, she's just won't back down or lie.... what kid doesn't lie ? Lol.

I can't blame her some times as he really is being unreasonable. Eg he wanted to take her phone off her as soon as she got home from school until her homework was done,
she has never ever been late handing homework in, never been in trouble for not handing homework in.....so why do we need to take phone off of her, in my mind ( and hers) that is a punishment for when your not doing homework,
he just says it's too make sure she doesn't start missing homework....

They are too much alike.

We don't have a diagnosis for him, we don't know what is causing his problems and to be honest it's not for his sake I would like to know what's going on, it's for mine and the kids,

If it is some form of dementia then fair enough,he isn't doing anything deliberately,
if it's something caused by for example not looking after his diabetes, mood swings due to high/low sugar then I wouldn't feel quite so bad about arguing doing battle with him,

the not knowing if actions/ behaviour/ attitude ect is out of his control or something he could get under control or he's just turned into an obnoxious know it all world revolves around him you know what doesn't help matters ...

sometimes I just wanna let rip at him....

but tbh the more I read on here, the more posts I see that hit very close to home including something's I don't feel comfortable talking about just yet, groping and inappropriate comments.

Again sorry for the long post,I do tend to vent when I get going,as I refuse to vent to the kids,he is still their dad after all
and nobody outside of the house really sees alot as he doesn't go out,avoids social get togethers, don't think people quite believe me.

. I am patiently awaiting a crisis to occur for someone to hopefully see what we see, I think I have given up trying to get him into GP or getting them to listen , just going around in circles.
No need to apologise for anything...you should see some of my vents!! One thing is you will always have someone or several people to vent to on here...it's very difficult not to,sometimes,I do understand.Yes,sometimes it takes some crisis to happen before someone sits up and takes notice unfortunately and it's especially hard if you are dealing with stuff all on your own.Oh how I relate to the "not being believed" line you wrote,my husband was charm personified to outsiders,yet the minute the front door was shut and they had gone,back came the same person that I knew,expressionless,no conversation,no interests in anything.I understand it's hard because like your husband,it's not their fault,but my,does it take a will of steel not to snap sometimes.You must keep coming back here,just let rip if you must,keep us updated and you will always have a sympathetic ear on here.This site has helped me tremendously and I have hit some dark places,believe me...but here I am,feeling much better as time goes on,thinking clearer and slightly more bright eyed and bushy tailed...and you will too!
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
129
0
I have read that narcissists are six times more likely to get dementia.
There seem to be quite a few PWDs who have been controlling characters throughout their adult life. A lack of social contact caused by alienation of friends and family, and stress and anxiety as they find it harder to control others as they age. All risk factors for dementia.
I can think of a few who fit this.
You read my thoughts! My husband was,in his younger days,as I see now looking back,what I termed a control freak.Any close female friends I had he hated,even accusing me of being a lesbian,told his friends that he thought I was,and wasa fanatic on being on time for everything,which is no bad thing,but when you are fifteen minutes late due to a missing bus...oh,he wouldn't believe that.Yes,only when I researched it did I make the connection between control and a narcissist.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
Someone asked about him driving,he doesn't, I'm the driver, he's never been interested in learning to drive,
which has meant over the years I've had to take and pick up from work, if anything has needed doing/fetching I've had to do it, never had the choice of staying at home while he goes to do something, who knows who I'd be sneaking in the house while he's out otherwise.
But I've always had to have someone with me either him or one of the kids, it's dangerous on my own, anything could happen!

I know I need to bring it up with the GP, knowing and doing are 2 completely different things tho, I am on anti-depressants already,
I do see various health people myself, rheumatology team, heamatology, specialist knee consultant, stroke team (injury lead to blood clot due to genetic blood clotting issue that led to Tia) they all ask about help and support at home,
I go to every appointment with the intention of saying something, anything but I just can't make myself say anything, I see my physio the most and she is the one that I come the closest to saying something too,it's right there on the tip of my tongue, just need to get past that block, just 1 thing, something simple, just to start the ball rolling with me talking.

Maybe something like "I've been considering a mobility scooter so I can do those day trips with the kids, the pain is too much for me just on crutches but the OH is dead against it! What do think? Would I start relying on it too much and have an adverse affect on my mobility or would being able to get out and about for longer with less pain help.
Of course then i start thinking where topic may go.. why's OH dead against? Because I'll be more independent,need less help,be safer out and about and he'll get sent back to work....

Or I could say struggling with house work, for all intents and purposes to the outside world OH does it all, and if asked about it OH will tell and convince everybody that he does and all is under control but in reality he doesn't see what needs doing,ask/tell him, give him a list and it is always "I'll do it in abit,do it later" but never gets done, what he does do is what he sees I am still able to do, washing dishes, putting clothes in washer/dryer but 9/10 it's not done properly we have to rewash dishes and have learnt to just say they have got dusty or we get ' you should do them then battle starting. ( Apart from last time he noticed one of the kids rewashing,they got a " better get used to doing that for when they send him back to work,why they going to send him back to work?, They will send him back eventually").

Clothes get lost,shrunk or end up in wrong persons wardrobe.
Yes have kids at home but they can't help as " that's his job,he's supposed to do that,are we trying to get him sent back to work"

And then start thinking where does this conversation go....do we have adult SS out again to do another assessment of what else could be put in to help.

We have had them once about 5 yrs ago,had some handrails and adaptions/ devices to help me,OH was fine with them coming out as was before my pip assessment and it would look good on pip assessment help him get carers so he wouldn't be made to look for work when he had been made redundant,

Wet room was suggested but the second SS left that was a no-no because I wouldn't need as much help with a wet room.
They did fit this high toilet seat thing which stayed put until after PIP assessment then got removed as he didn't like it,it was an eyesore.

That wouldn't help anyway as he does put on suberb shows.

She asks about hobbies/ socializing / exercise again I can think of things to bring up/ say then start thinking about where those conversations are going to go I end up going round and round in circles.

It will happen,I will speak up eventually, it's there on the tip of my tongue and one topic will lead to another and another ,my physio will be the one I think I have a better chance of being able to open up to face to face
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
I'm glad your youngest was safe, but what a worry.

Both diabetes and high blood pressure can cause vascular dementia. I'm wondering how accurate his reports of what medical people say to him really are. I had a similar experience with OH when I was just getting an inkling that things wernt right. One of the things I remember was after he had been to the epilepsy clinic ( he has longstanding epilepsy) he came back telling me that the neurologist said his epilepsy had gone and she wanted him to come off his medication!!! This really concerned me as he was still having seizures. It was only once I started going in with him at the hospital that I discovered that he had been telling the neurologist that it was me that wanted him to come off his medication as I wasn't seeing any more seizures.

Make sure the GP knows about his problems from your view point - maybe write a letter - and dont rely on him for accuracy
Oh @Unsure2021 , that is so typical of frontal lobe damage

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Thanks canary, he's been really hovering/following me everywhere this last 24-36 hrs finding it difficult and slow to respond to people.

His recollections of what happened or was said in hospital back in January changes on a daily basis,I take everything he says about these kinds of things with a pinch of salt.

I try not to think to much about which type it could be, it would drive me crazy, I've seen posts/ info on vascular, lewy body and frontal lobe and depending on what he's doing on any given day he kinda fits all.

I'm just happy to have found somewhere where I can chat away if needs be or linger in the background, where no one judges and more importantly. I'm believed

This site has already helped me immensely,some things I have posted here I have never told a living sole before.

Making that first post 9 months ago was terrifying, I wrote and rewrote and deleted and wrote again and the feeling of panic and oh my god what have I done when I hit post....but it was the best thing I have ever done, I was hitting breaking point, I actually went and sobbed my heart out after my very first post.

I still find it difficult to post , the headaches I get, stress/ relief? I don't know, just don't know how to talk to people,reach out, to ask for help, but I do know I feel so much better than I did 9 months ago, and a little better each time I get something else of my chest.

I'm getting there,might only be baby steps but it's something
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,728
0
Yorkshire
hi @Unsure2021
it is hard to open up about something you have kept so closed down for so long ... though, actually, you've made a good start by posting here, which I hope is giving you confidence and belief in yourself
you have a good relationship with your OT, might you write a brief note to her about one issue, about how your husband's behaviour affects you, and say you'd like to chat about it next appointment ... then give it to her at the end of your next visit so you don't have to talk straight away and she has time to think
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
I have been to a family event over the weekend, 2nd one this year,

1st was last month,he didn't go, I kept waiting for the excuses to start, for life to start becoming uncomfortable, didn't really let myself enjoy last month's, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did make myself stay for longer than an HR and tried to approach a family member but couldn't bring myself to say much .

The excuses,his arguments, the uncomfortable feelings, being made to feel guilty didn't happen, none of it,ziltch . I thought maybe a one off, told myself not to get my hopes up.

It wasn't a one off!

This weekends thing was an all dayer, only excuses I heard were for him not going, nothing about me not going or having to take one of the kids, none of the usual stuff.

Went back home for a couple of hrs in the afternoon and he had planned to come back with me, we got talking about who was there,who wasn't, I hadn't even finished saying such and such wasn't going before he was getting comfortable on the sofa with TV controller saying ooh I can get away with not going then.
So I went back on my own, in total I was out for 10 hrs, when I got back I got asked if had good time and he was straight back to TV.

Where is the real OH? Who is this imposter lol .

I am exhausted but a good exhausted for once.
 

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