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Host mode cause deterioration?

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
We had a very stressful emergency with one of the kids at the weekend, (all fine now).

OH went into what I believe to be 'host mode' for 3 hrs with the police and ever since he has been sleeping pretty much all day, memory all over the place and either a scowl or totally blank face.

Has he just tired himself out or stress caused a lapse or can 'host mode' for any length of time cause deterioration?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,363
0
Kent
I know when my husband had just a busy day without an upsetting emergency he was exhausted the following day @Unsure2021

It remains to be seen if your OH recovers.
 

Dunroamin

Registered User
May 5, 2019
123
0
UK
I am just the same now. A day doing something/visitors/hospital visit etc., and I am exhausted the following day(s) I have to pace myself. It seems harder to 'think straight' as the disease progresses in my case.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
I did expect a day or 2 of it, from past experience he does tire after visitors, appointments ect..

We are now on day 5 since the incident ( child went missing but found safe and sound )
Will have to wait and see if he recovers from it.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
After checking that I had no plans to go out he has taken himself off to bed at 2 pm.

And I find myself twiddling my thumb's not knowing what to do with myself lol
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
Well the sleepiness seems to have passed but still not quite back to before.

Kids have said they can't work out what mood he is in so unsure how to act around him.. just seems to be a non-mood.

He has asked me to change passwords on things like eBay and Amazon due to constant stream of parcels coming that he can't remember ordering.

New dizzy symptoms, standing still but feels like he's falling backwards,. He stops walking room keeps going. Can't close eyes while standing as he starts losing balance, I have suggested GP appointment for BP check,BP med check but back to "it's because I'm fat" response.

He's onto Xmas now, wanting to do Xmas food shopping ,I put him off , too early and he has said just once that he's struggling with where he is time wise, passage of time but nothing in detail literally one passing comment.

And last night he was up from about 3am as he heard someone trying the front door ( not new but increased frequency)
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,731
0
Yorkshire
hi @Unsure2021
good to read that the situation with your child ended well, a relief for you all

I wonder whether your husband might agree to see his GP if you suggested the dizziness may be an ear infection so some pills would probably clear it, or any other explanation that doesn't raise his objection

maybe let his GP know about how he is right now, giving them the details you've put on this thread, so they will be pre-warned of what to consider should your husband get to an appointment
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
I have tried contacting GP, asking about a note on records for future appointments, to see if they will call him in under the diguse of checking one of his health conditions but they just keep going back to he would have to have a phone call appointment first which he would just tell GP that he's fine, that there is nothing wrong.

He has high blood pressure and on meds for it,so had hoped that when I suggested maybe BP tabs needed checking,that they could be the cause of dizziness that he would have agreed to see GP but no chance.

Haven't tried ear infection thing, will try that with next dizzy spell.

It's frustrating because he has had 2 a+e visits this year (one led to 48hr stay) .due to covid I couldn't stay, OH even told a+e receptionist that he has poor memory issues,but she didn't give him the time of day ' oh well,they can ring her (me) if needs be'.
They did ring me as he struggled to answer their questions,he forgot to tell them he's diabetic,I had a good chat with a+e doctor but our conversation didn't follow him onto 3 different wards he got transferred to.

He has mentioned his memory to diabetic nurse during a normal check up at GP ( again wouldn't let me stay) diabetes doesn't affect memory apparently so end of conversation.

One thing I brought up with the a+e doctor was OH not always aware of danger and 2nd hospital trip came about due to this, cut hand because he didn't think about the danger of what he was doing.

Almost impossible to get him to see GP but when he does, due to covid and them refusing to let me go in he has had to mention memory but it just gets swept under the carpet.

There is no communication between any of them,if there was and notes made about all the different places he has brought up his memory and other issues commented on then there would be red flags going up all over the place.

The first mention of issues to a GP was 7 yrs ago,but been the last 2 yrs that I have seen most of the worsening of problems.

I honestly believe his age is a factor as he is only 46 now.

Sorry for the long post but I tend to rant when I got on the subject lol
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
129
0
I have tried contacting GP, asking about a note on records for future appointments, to see if they will call him in under the diguse of checking one of his health conditions but they just keep going back to he would have to have a phone call appointment first which he would just tell GP that he's fine, that there is nothing wrong.

He has high blood pressure and on meds for it,so had hoped that when I suggested maybe BP tabs needed checking,that they could be the cause of dizziness that he would have agreed to see GP but no chance.

Haven't tried ear infection thing, will try that with next dizzy spell.

It's frustrating because he has had 2 a+e visits this year (one led to 48hr stay) .due to covid I couldn't stay, OH even told a+e receptionist that he has poor memory issues,but she didn't give him the time of day ' oh well,they can ring her (me) if needs be'.
They did ring me as he struggled to answer their questions,he forgot to tell them he's diabetic,I had a good chat with a+e doctor but our conversation didn't follow him onto 3 different wards he got transferred to.

He has mentioned his memory to diabetic nurse during a normal check up at GP ( again wouldn't let me stay) diabetes doesn't affect memory apparently so end of conversation.

One thing I brought up with the a+e doctor was OH not always aware of danger and 2nd hospital trip came about due to this, cut hand because he didn't think about the danger of what he was doing.

Almost impossible to get him to see GP but when he does, due to covid and them refusing to let me go in he has had to mention memory but it just gets swept under the carpet.

There is no communication between any of them,if there was and notes made about all the different places he has brought up his memory and other issues commented on then there would be red flags going up all over the place.

The first mention of issues to a GP was 7 yrs ago,but been the last 2 yrs that I have seen most of the worsening of problems.

I honestly believe his age is a factor as he is only 46 now.

Sorry for the long post but I tend to rant when I got on the subject lol
I hear you! It's so frustrating when information isn't passed to the relevant people.My husband recently had a fall in the carehome,the carers told me about it and said they were waiting for the Dr.to call at the home.The following morning got a call from our GP asking was my husband still keeping his 11.30am visit to the surgery?I explained and he said they don't do home visits and he can either come into the surgery or,he would do a telephone consultation with him at the home!I said,you do know he has dementia don't you?He still refused to call to see him and prescribed strong painkillers....Once we both went to a hospital appointment due to my husbands eye problem,and after some treatment he had to sit and wait to see the consultant.On following behind him to the seating area I was stopped by a nurse who said I couldn't sit with him,or go into see the consultant with him.again,I explained about the dementia and she shook her hand at me,and said he'll be fine,go and sit in reception,which I reluctantly did.After waiting what seemed like forever,anothe rnurse came up assisting my husband to walk.It onlt turned out that after going in to see the consultant alone,he came out,took a wrong turning and was found sat in the toilets further along the corridor,confused and agitated.I played merry hell with them and was told that if I remained difficult they would not see my husband again.Shocking the lack of empathy.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
The incident with our child was in part related to the OH and how they interact with each other.

Basically she was somewhere she shouldn't have been and knew she wouldn't make it home in time. OH doesn't give kids any leyway ,not allowed to be a minute late and tends to over react.Its a battle even getting them 'allowed' out at times.

The older 2 (6th form/collage age) they pretty much ignore him,yea yeah whatever and walk away,they don't react to him. They also tell him little white lies ( with my permission) or txt me to say running late and I will tell little white lie...they are waiting for a lift or something.

Have always told them as long as I know the truth and know where they are ect and it's reasonable I will lie and go along with white lies to their dad or do battle with him otherwise they would never go out/do anything.

The youngest one is 11 and she won't ignore him, won't walk away if he's being unreasonable,she argues back something rotten, ends up being ww3 , hasn't really been in a position to have to tell little lies to him as due to her age hasn't been going far from home.

Even when she is in the wrong she will argue, drives me crazy.

Anyway she decided she wasn't in the mood to deal with her dad when she knew she was late and that since she was gonna be grounded for being 10-15mins late and get told off anyway that she may aswell make the most of it and stay out longer,

It got out of hand when dad went looking for her came across the friend she was supposed to have been with, the friend panicked and said not seen daughter in ages that she had walked off when they were at such and such.

Of course police called, thinking she was on her own in the dark,not answering phone.

Turns out she was literally around the corner from the friend when her dad found the friend and because the friend panicked and just said the first thing that came to mind daughter didn't know how to get out of the situation, scared of how dad was gonna react if she showed herself.

She eventually txt me where she was and I didn't know weather to hug her or thrash to be honest.

Feels so wrong telling an 11 yr old to just ignore a parent/ to walk away to lie to them. Have told her multiple times if gonna be late to txt me like the older ones do and I would cover for her but she didn't think about it all she could think of was how dad was gonna react to her being late.
 

Kapow

Registered User
Nov 17, 2019
129
0
The incident with our child was in part related to the OH and how they interact with each other.

Basically she was somewhere she shouldn't have been and knew she wouldn't make it home in time. OH doesn't give kids any leyway ,not allowed to be a minute late and tends to over react.Its a battle even getting them 'allowed' out at times.

The older 2 (6th form/collage age) they pretty much ignore him,yea yeah whatever and walk away,they don't react to him. They also tell him little white lies ( with my permission) or txt me to say running late and I will tell little white lie...they are waiting for a lift or something.

Have always told them as long as I know the truth and know where they are ect and it's reasonable I will lie and go along with white lies to their dad or do battle with him otherwise they would never go out/do anything.

The youngest one is 11 and she won't ignore him, won't walk away if he's being unreasonable,she argues back something rotten, ends up being ww3 , hasn't really been in a position to have to tell little lies to him as due to her age hasn't been going far from home.

Even when she is in the wrong she will argue, drives me crazy.

Anyway she decided she wasn't in the mood to deal with her dad when she knew she was late and that since she was gonna be grounded for being 10-15mins late and get told off anyway that she may aswell make the most of it and stay out longer,

It got out of hand when dad went looking for her came across the friend she was supposed to have been with, the friend panicked and said not seen daughter in ages that she had walked off when they were at such and such.

Of course police called, thinking she was on her own in the dark,not answering phone.

Turns out she was literally around the corner from the friend when her dad found the friend and because the friend panicked and just said the first thing that came to mind daughter didn't know how to get out of the situation, scared of how dad was gonna react if she showed herself.

She eventually txt me where she was and I didn't know weather to hug her or thrash to be honest.

Feels so wrong telling an 11 yr old to just ignore a parent/ to walk away to lie to them. Have told her multiple times if gonna be late to txt me like the older ones do and I would cover for her but she didn't think about it all she could think of was how dad was gonna react to her being late.
Mmmmmm,difficult one,because your 11 year old is of that personality that she won't back down,young also.Could you not ask her,for your sake,just to let arguments ride? Don't feel guilty about the lying,it's only white lies and in situations like this,you literally have to think on your feet at times.Explain to your daughter how it makes you feel and how you worry if she doesn't let you know where she is,just to txt you,keep in touch.
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
What annoys me the most is that I'm allowed to have people accompanying me, I have mobility issues, use crutches to walk . don't actually need anyone with me in waiting room/ consultation room but if I haven't got someone with me they ask!

I guess the difference is mine is a visible disability,his isn't.....it's like banging your head against a brick wall at times
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
Oh lovely, what a worrying situation. Dementia can affect anyone at any age & the younger it appears the crueller it seems.
As OH has a dementia diagnosis why can’t you be present ?
if the GP isn’t sympathetic change GPs perhaps or speak to your own ?

contact the local dementia team & speak to them is a possibility ?
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
Mmmmmm,difficult one,because your 11 year old is of that personality that she won't back down,young also.Could you not ask her,for your sake,just to let arguments ride? Don't feel guilty about the lying,it's only white lies and in situations like this,you literally have to think on your feet at times.Explain to your daughter how it makes you feel and how you worry if she doesn't let you know where she is,just to txt you,keep in touc
It's the first time she hasn't kept me updated with where she was, she's normally an incredibly well behaved kid, yeah 5 mins late here and there, I don't see too much of an issue there,as it's not a regular thing.

I've tried and tried telling her, asking, explaining that life is easier if she just walks away, give it 10 minutes and he will have forgotten all about whatever he's going on about, she's just won't back down or lie.... what kid doesn't lie ? Lol.

I can't blame her some times as he really is being unreasonable. Eg he wanted to take her phone off her as soon as she got home from school until her homework was done,
she has never ever been late handing homework in, never been in trouble for not handing homework in.....so why do we need to take phone off of her, in my mind ( and hers) that is a punishment for when your not doing homework,
he just says it's too make sure she doesn't start missing homework....

They are too much alike.

We don't have a diagnosis for him, we don't know what is causing his problems and to be honest it's not for his sake I would like to know what's going on, it's for mine and the kids,

If it is some form of dementia then fair enough,he isn't doing anything deliberately,
if it's something caused by for example not looking after his diabetes, mood swings due to high/low sugar then I wouldn't feel quite so bad about arguing doing battle with him,

the not knowing if actions/ behaviour/ attitude ect is out of his control or something he could get under control or he's just turned into an obnoxious know it all world revolves around him you know what doesn't help matters ...

sometimes I just wanna let rip at him....

but tbh the more I read on here, the more posts I see that hit very close to home including something's I don't feel comfortable talking about just yet, groping and inappropriate comments.

Again sorry for the long post,I do tend to vent when I get going,as I refuse to vent to the kids,he is still their dad after all
and nobody outside of the house really sees alot as he doesn't go out,avoids social get togethers, don't think people quite believe me.

. I am patiently awaiting a crisis to occur for someone to hopefully see what we see, I think I have given up trying to get him into GP or getting them to listen , just going around in circles.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
It's the first time she hasn't kept me updated with where she was, she's normally an incredibly well behaved kid, yeah 5 mins late here and there, I don't see too much of an issue there,as it's not a regular thing.

I've tried and tried telling her, asking, explaining that life is easier if she just walks away, give it 10 minutes and he will have forgotten all about whatever he's going on about, she's just won't back down or lie.... what kid doesn't lie ? Lol.

I can't blame her some times as he really is being unreasonable. Eg he wanted to take her phone off her as soon as she got home from school until her homework was done,
she has never ever been late handing homework in, never been in trouble for not handing homework in.....so why do we need to take phone off of her, in my mind ( and hers) that is a punishment for when your not doing homework,
he just says it's too make sure she doesn't start missing homework....

They are too much alike.

We don't have a diagnosis for him, we don't know what is causing his problems and to be honest it's not for his sake I would like to know what's going on, it's for mine and the kids,

If it is some form of dementia then fair enough,he isn't doing anything deliberately,
if it's something caused by for example not looking after his diabetes, mood swings due to high/low sugar then I wouldn't feel quite so bad about arguing doing battle with him,

the not knowing if actions/ behaviour/ attitude ect is out of his control or something he could get under control or he's just turned into an obnoxious know it all world revolves around him you know what doesn't help matters ...

sometimes I just wanna let rip at him....

but tbh the more I read on here, the more posts I see that hit very close to home including something's I don't feel comfortable talking about just yet, groping and inappropriate comments.

Again sorry for the long post,I do tend to vent when I get going,as I refuse to vent to the kids,he is still their dad after all
and nobody outside of the house really sees alot as he doesn't go out,avoids social get togethers, don't think people quite believe me.

. I am patiently awaiting a crisis to occur for someone to hopefully see what we see, I think I have given up trying to get him into GP or getting them to listen , just going around in circles.
Heartbreaking I am so so sorry.
Honestly your kids will cope in the best way they can, & the not backing down is a way of coping. Please contact your own GP & discuss these issues you need support & it’s a good place to start. The impact on a child of unstable behaviours is something I myself grew up with. You need to talk to a friend or family member who will support you & the kids. As I child I experienced mums erratic behaviours & felt I had no one to turn to - only at the age of 50 did I find out my Dads family had been aware of Mums erratic behaviour & outbursts; up until then I had been portrayed by Mum as a fantasist etc. I’m not saying that your OH will become this extreme but your kids should know that there is a safe place for them to go to; where they can talk & not feel bad about how another’s behaviour makes them feel.
My Mum used to talk about hurting me , & say awful things; it was only when she said about this to a SW that the care system stopped asking me to help. Sadly aggression & lack of inhibitions are part of mental capacity decline often due to vascular issues not always related to dementia. Behavioural changes towards yourself & the kids needs to be documented by the GP surgery you are all registered with. It’s hard I know but you need to contact them & clearly state all the issues.

My Mum started to say awful things , inappropriate & the worst was she said my Dad was a child sex abuser & had done time. She was so believable that folks actually thought she was telling the truth . My Dad was not anything of the sort & had never been, but Mums mind just got twisted & broken so that anything she heard on TV or radio became linked to her reality.
it doesn’t matter what your OH diagnosis is - there is an issue & you firstly need to prioritise your kids & yourself.
Being open about the issues with friends & family is a start, otherwise the issues will be ignored & become normal acceptable behaviour.
As an adult I struggled to cope so no wonder your kids are not able to deal with negating issues.

im hoping that by sharing my own experience it might help. The fact that you have posted says you are at breaking point.
Please dont feel embarrassed about sharing anything on this forum - believe me there will be someone / many who have experienced the same & worse. We are here to support & try & be of help
((((hugs))))
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,242
0
Well the sleepiness seems to have passed but still not quite back to before.

Kids have said they can't work out what mood he is in so unsure how to act around him.. just seems to be a non-mood.

He has asked me to change passwords on things like eBay and Amazon due to constant stream of parcels coming that he can't remember ordering.

New dizzy symptoms, standing still but feels like he's falling backwards,. He stops walking room keeps going. Can't close eyes while standing as he starts losing balance, I have suggested GP appointment for BP check,BP med check but back to "it's because I'm fat" response.

He's onto Xmas now, wanting to do Xmas food shopping ,I put him off , too early and he has said just once that he's struggling with where he is time wise, passage of time but nothing in detail literally one passing comment.

And last night he was up from about 3am as he heard someone trying the front door ( not new but increased frequency)
It does sound like a vascular issue perhaps a T.I.A ? Tiredness excessive sleeping & irrational behaviour are often the only symptoms of T.I.A if very slight. Vascular issues & dementia are linked & often overlooked. As OH is diabetic behavioural changes should raise alarm bells surely ?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,702
0
South coast
I'm glad your youngest was safe, but what a worry.

Both diabetes and high blood pressure can cause vascular dementia. I'm wondering how accurate his reports of what medical people say to him really are. I had a similar experience with OH when I was just getting an inkling that things wernt right. One of the things I remember was after he had been to the epilepsy clinic ( he has longstanding epilepsy) he came back telling me that the neurologist said his epilepsy had gone and she wanted him to come off his medication!!! This really concerned me as he was still having seizures. It was only once I started going in with him at the hospital that I discovered that he had been telling the neurologist that it was me that wanted him to come off his medication as I wasn't seeing any more seizures.

Make sure the GP knows about his problems from your view point - maybe write a letter - and dont rely on him for accuracy
 

Unsure2021

Registered User
Jan 1, 2021
68
0
Inappropriate comments are more like there's no filter between his brain and mouth.

things like pausing a film to make a joke about "they would have seen him in the dark if he had smiled" . Then spending 5 mins laughing at his own joke.

Standing in garden and saying things like. " Where's the thieving gypsies when you want them,can guarantee if we didn't have things to get rid off they'd have been here robbing everything off the garden" loudly

Then there are more sexual ones , I've heard mum and finger banging in a sentence within kids earshot ,let's just say I started talking very loudly over him in that instance so not 100% sure what he actually said.

And then combined groping and comments.. grabbing a boob and when told no.."it's time of month so can't do anything about it so might as well let me"

Loads of comments about being politically correct, race,colour,sex, disability...

Daily basis, doesn't matter who is in earshot, one day wrong person is going to overhear him and he's gonna be in trouble