Hello all
I'll begin with a disclaimer that its not my partner with Dementia its my Dad.
Background:
Memory issues for last 5 years or so, scans etc showed vas changes but nothing serious (we were to find out later he had small vessel disease), discharged with one session at a memory clinic. I could see he was getting really bad but Mum was in denial/couldnt see.
Fast forward to just after Halloween 2017 he was hospitalised with delirium that started at home. It was actually his dementia really coming on very fast with a minor ep of delirium. After 2 weeks he was declared fit to come home, we had a meeting with his consultant and hosp social worker to express concerns over things we had seen in the hospital (shuffling walk, incontinence, inappropriate behaviour towards Mum, thinking he was at work, no idea he was in a hospital, refused to hear he had an illness, we were the ones with the problem etc). The SW said becaus ehe understood what a care home was and what it meant and he could retain that info for 5 minutes he had capacity, even though he was under a DOLS due to trying to escape the ward.
Hes now been in an assessment unit for about 4 weeks after we pushed back in the above meeting for further assessments. We have been told by the nurses that he wanders, is incontinent, needs help showering, strips off his clothes in the day room because hes too hot...........it goes on.
Lots of things have happened in between but Im finally getting to the crux of the matter - thank you if you have read this far....
We had a best interests meeting just before Christmas, we werent told this is what it was, the SW told mum it was just a quick chat to discuss discharge planning and care packages. We walked into the meeting where we were ambushed by 5 people (consultant, psychiatrist etc) who said he no longer as a medical need so he needs to come home. We explained why we felt this wasn't possible (Mum has various health issues, mainly mental/psychological, but has poor mobility) because it woudl mean he could never be left alone, wouldnt be able to go out without Mum so that woudl be two people with poor mobility holding each other up. Mums life would effectively be over as not only woudl she be a prisoner in her own home, but shed never sleep again as before he went into the hospital he constantly woke her up, she'd then have to stay awake until he came back upstairs to make sure he was ok, and then go downstairs to check he hadnt left gas etc on/unlocked the fornt door etc. Eventually, the SW, after the psychiatrist stepped in, suggested daycare for 5 days a week and 2 care visits a day, he specified that this needs to be in place BEFORE Dad came home. We reluctantly agreed (we had no choice) on a trial basis and were assured that if at any stage she couldnt cope we could call an ambulance to take him back to hospital. After the meeting, which was rushed to a close when I started asking more questions, Mum called the SW back and asked for another chat as we had some further queries. She didnt. This was just before Christmas remember.
We heard nothing. Nothing at all.
Yesterday, a care worker arrived to bath Dad at 10am, strange, called the SW - no answer, did not call back.
Last night Dad arrived home in an ambulance, fully discharged from the hospital. My poor Mum had to refuse him to come in his home. I know this killed her, which is why I also know 100% that she is genuine when she says she wouldnt cope.
What happened next is disgusting IMO - the consultant called Mum, had a go at her because they had no bed for Dad.......then the SW called, "why didnt you tell us about your problems" - err.....we did?? Numerous times.
Now the SW, after being sickly pleasant with Mum, is agreeing that Dad needs to be in a care home due to Mums issues.
Heres whats making my nose twitch - she said Mum has to tell Dad he cant come home, and convince him a care home is the best thing for him.
My question is - why did we have to have a best interests meeting with 5 people to decide he should be at home, whereas on Friday this week Mum has to sit in a room on her own with my Dad and tell him he has to go into a home and get his agreement? I may be too cynical and way off with this, but Im thinking if its a voluntary suggestion coming from Mum/Dad rather than them saying he needs a care home due to his needs/lack of appropriate care at home then that makes him ineligible for funding?
(Sorry for the long post - wanted to give a bit of background (theres way more elements!!) so you understand my concerns.....and also just because it feels good to write it down)
Thank you.
S
I'll begin with a disclaimer that its not my partner with Dementia its my Dad.
Background:
Memory issues for last 5 years or so, scans etc showed vas changes but nothing serious (we were to find out later he had small vessel disease), discharged with one session at a memory clinic. I could see he was getting really bad but Mum was in denial/couldnt see.
Fast forward to just after Halloween 2017 he was hospitalised with delirium that started at home. It was actually his dementia really coming on very fast with a minor ep of delirium. After 2 weeks he was declared fit to come home, we had a meeting with his consultant and hosp social worker to express concerns over things we had seen in the hospital (shuffling walk, incontinence, inappropriate behaviour towards Mum, thinking he was at work, no idea he was in a hospital, refused to hear he had an illness, we were the ones with the problem etc). The SW said becaus ehe understood what a care home was and what it meant and he could retain that info for 5 minutes he had capacity, even though he was under a DOLS due to trying to escape the ward.
Hes now been in an assessment unit for about 4 weeks after we pushed back in the above meeting for further assessments. We have been told by the nurses that he wanders, is incontinent, needs help showering, strips off his clothes in the day room because hes too hot...........it goes on.
Lots of things have happened in between but Im finally getting to the crux of the matter - thank you if you have read this far....
We had a best interests meeting just before Christmas, we werent told this is what it was, the SW told mum it was just a quick chat to discuss discharge planning and care packages. We walked into the meeting where we were ambushed by 5 people (consultant, psychiatrist etc) who said he no longer as a medical need so he needs to come home. We explained why we felt this wasn't possible (Mum has various health issues, mainly mental/psychological, but has poor mobility) because it woudl mean he could never be left alone, wouldnt be able to go out without Mum so that woudl be two people with poor mobility holding each other up. Mums life would effectively be over as not only woudl she be a prisoner in her own home, but shed never sleep again as before he went into the hospital he constantly woke her up, she'd then have to stay awake until he came back upstairs to make sure he was ok, and then go downstairs to check he hadnt left gas etc on/unlocked the fornt door etc. Eventually, the SW, after the psychiatrist stepped in, suggested daycare for 5 days a week and 2 care visits a day, he specified that this needs to be in place BEFORE Dad came home. We reluctantly agreed (we had no choice) on a trial basis and were assured that if at any stage she couldnt cope we could call an ambulance to take him back to hospital. After the meeting, which was rushed to a close when I started asking more questions, Mum called the SW back and asked for another chat as we had some further queries. She didnt. This was just before Christmas remember.
We heard nothing. Nothing at all.
Yesterday, a care worker arrived to bath Dad at 10am, strange, called the SW - no answer, did not call back.
Last night Dad arrived home in an ambulance, fully discharged from the hospital. My poor Mum had to refuse him to come in his home. I know this killed her, which is why I also know 100% that she is genuine when she says she wouldnt cope.
What happened next is disgusting IMO - the consultant called Mum, had a go at her because they had no bed for Dad.......then the SW called, "why didnt you tell us about your problems" - err.....we did?? Numerous times.
Now the SW, after being sickly pleasant with Mum, is agreeing that Dad needs to be in a care home due to Mums issues.
Heres whats making my nose twitch - she said Mum has to tell Dad he cant come home, and convince him a care home is the best thing for him.
My question is - why did we have to have a best interests meeting with 5 people to decide he should be at home, whereas on Friday this week Mum has to sit in a room on her own with my Dad and tell him he has to go into a home and get his agreement? I may be too cynical and way off with this, but Im thinking if its a voluntary suggestion coming from Mum/Dad rather than them saying he needs a care home due to his needs/lack of appropriate care at home then that makes him ineligible for funding?
(Sorry for the long post - wanted to give a bit of background (theres way more elements!!) so you understand my concerns.....and also just because it feels good to write it down)
Thank you.
S