hope it is the right decision...


Registered User
Mar 19, 2008
west sussex
I am on the verge of taking the hardest decision of my life! I have given it so much thought over the last few days. I think I am going too arrange for my mother to go into the wonderful NH I have found for her. I did think of taking her there and showing it to her, for her to decide, but the more I think about it the more I realise that she will say no because her only aim in life now is to go back to her flat. She will be at risk in the flat and I cannot be there full time or have carers in full time. What happens when she is on her own, especially at night when she wanders? The final straw was when a GP went to visit her in hospital (her GP is away). His comment to me was 'doesn't seem to have much dementia; why is she here?' I couldn't believe my ears.
I have since been told by a friend, who is a doctor, that when someone with dementia sees someone for the 1st time it acts like a stimulus and they can come across as being very with it etc. That is why it is so hard for the average GP to diagnose.
Anyway, she is now on 50mg quetiapine - 8am & 8pm. I am going to try and arrange for transfer early next week. If she creates a scene - so be it and if she does I will tell her... what? God I feel so inadequate. I am hoping her nephew who she loves dearly will come and help me/her through this traumatic move because traumatic it will be. Even though I am now 99% sure that the decision is right. I have also taken legal advice - just in case. It should be okay. I have EPA and it clearly states that I can act on her behalf if she becomes mentally incapable. My only worry is that the consutant thinks she has mental capacity. Talking to her though, the nurses/me/family can clearly see there is a problem.
Please think of us; I shall probably post again before anything happens.
Does anyone have any advice on making it easier for her?
Last edited:

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Judy.

I would try to get the backing of the consultant if I were you. The consultant knows your mother and the degree of her dementia.

When you take her to the home and she objects, all I can advise is to tell her your priority is that she should be safe. If anything happened to her you wouldn`t want it on your conscience.

And if you do have the backing of all medics, you can use this to justify.


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Hi Judy

As one (of many) accomplished tellers of white lies here, arm yourself with a few 'reasons' why Mum can't back out of staying at the Nursing Home, at least "for a few days", whilst it's not possible for you to have her at home.

Your room/flat is being decorated.
We're having carpets laid, but the floors need repairing first
The water tank in the loft overflowed & I have to have the ceiling re-done.
We've got builders in, putting in a new kitchen/bathroom.

Of course when it goes on longer than a few days, well the workmen didn't turn up did they? (Sorry, any jobbing builders looking in!)

I hope that she'll settle in quickly.

Best wishes

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
Hi Judy,

I'm sorry I don't have any wonderful advice although I too am a believer in lie, lie until your pants are on fire when it comes to dementia. Nothing good ever comes from being honest with my mum anyway.

I think it is important that you get the consultant on board - my mum could (and still can on occasion) put on a Oscar winning performance. Even close friends say to us "she doesn't seem that bad to me". I feel like saying come round and spend an hour or so with her and see what happens then!!

It surprises me more that consultants and GPs aren't aware of that.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking of you and wishing you all the best - you're making one of the hardest decisions there are and I hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you all. Chin up!!

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
Hello Judy,

Who will be transferring your mother to the home? If it's you, can you, her nephew and your mother have lunch and then you and your cousin leave, having informed the home of your plans, of course? At least that would get her in there and any unreasonably response on her part will only reinforce the degree of her dementia to the staff. God forgive me, I don't mean to sound so cold and clinical but I'm trying to think of a way for you to get her there.

I am in total agreement with Lynne and Kate in using little white lies and also great big honking fat ones too. Pick a lie and tell the home staff so they could perhaps reinforce it.

It's a hard decision but the right decision. If you have the slightest of doubts about her safety on her own, a home is the place for her. You're doing the right thing.

Keep us posted.


Registered User
Mar 19, 2008
west sussex
thanks but...

Hi All
Thanks for advice. When I got in to the hospital today she was kicking up a stink about being watched all the time - well she did theaten suicide, although I am sure she used the threat as a figure of speech! So much for a quiet afternoon with her. Suicide watch has now been lifted, by a doctor, but it brought up all the usual stuff about wanting to go home. Doc says again I can't force her into a home against her will - mental capacity etc. Do these doctors ever spend time with people with dementia. They agree she is not safe, they agree that I am at the end of my tether but... you can't force her; she knows what she wants and it is not what you want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaahhhhhhhhh:mad:
Offered solution - send her home with good care package. Yeah and who is going to open the door to the carers when she can't.
No haven't given up hope and will try again. Hope the nephew/cousin has success where I have not!


Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
Wigan, Lancs
Hi Judy,

I'm sorry to add to your headaches, but the old style EPA does not give you the power to make decisions with regard to personal welfare; only to deal with financial matters. That is partly why the new Lasting Powers of Attorney have been brought in.

I think the Doctor is over-simplifying the Mental Capacity Act by saying that you cannot be placed in a Care Home unless you consent. The PGO website has quite a good summary of the principles of the Act at http://www.publicguardian.gov.uk/mca/mca.htm

I'm sorry that having wrestled with the decision that the time was right for a care home and having found somewhere suitable, you are not being supported by the professionals. Stick to your guns.

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