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Homophobia in people with dementia

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jimbo 111

Registered User
Jan 23, 2009
5,080
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North Bucks
I have been reading this thread with much interest and concern
I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia ,and I pray to God I never will
What is of grave concern to me is that I too could revert to the age when
homosexuality was against the law
I am 82 and brought up as a Catholic so you may imagine with this sort of background the possibility of my becoming homophobic is quite high
As far as I know I am generally considered to have a temperate attitude to
The current attitudes on race ,sex, and religion
The main concern is ,as many of you have pointed out, like so many of your parents i have spent many of my years in a completely different outlook and I dread to think that I should at some time because of this background , voice thoughts that were never as far as I am aware in my head,
I sympathise with the anxiety you must feel when this happens ,particularly when you know it is so much against the character of your loved ones
Perhaps the following may lighten this matter
My wife had AD ,( Age 80 at the time) I was filling in a form from the council for her and I laughed at one of the questions
She asked why , though I knew she would not know what I was talking about ] I told her
The question was
Are you heterosexual ?
homosexual ?
bisexual ?
I thought she was having difficulty understanding what I was talking about
After a while she said with such a serious voice
“ I Don’t know - I haven’t my mind up yet “
Bearing in mind she was an 80 year old , strict Catholic , suffering with Alzheimer’s ,there must be some hope for the likes of me
God Bless
jimbo111
 

jamie-g

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
23
0
Aberdeen , Scotland
thick skin

my mother is exactly the same over the years she has accepted i am gay and never to be discussed, until recently mum would ask how my partner was ....... now i am called all the names under the sun ........ i understand u want to protect your son ...... but me personally i would tell him the truth its not your father its the disease ..... your father might not of understood his grandson being gay but would have loved him just as he has all his life ........ maybe being gay and in my 40s i have developed a thick skin and shrug off the comments
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
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my mother is exactly the same over the years she has accepted i am gay and never to be discussed, until recently mum would ask how my partner was ....... now i am called all the names under the sun ........ i understand u want to protect your son ...... but me personally i would tell him the truth its not your father its the disease ..... your father might not of understood his grandson being gay but would have loved him just as he has all his life ........ maybe being gay and in my 40s i have developed a thick skin and shrug off the comments

Hi Jamie-g, just to let you know it's not just a gay thing, I have gone from being the "angel daughter" to also being called all of the names under the sun and I'm straight.

I find the insults and the abuse hard to take and I know like you it's the disease not the person but it's awful when she goes into abuse mode. I need to grow some thicker skin and broader shoulders.
 

Nanak

Registered User
Mar 25, 2010
1,973
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61
Brisbane Australia
Hi my mum is now so openly racsist towards black people. She says dreadful things about people when they are in earshot. Prior to her illness she got along with everyone. We have had a few embarrasing moments. We know that it is part of her dementia, but all the same she puts herself at risk when she insults people.

My Mother in Law was exactly the same. She had dementia and not Alzheimers but it was embarrassing.

In her last couple of days my Sister in Law asked for a priest to be called (MIL was Catholic). Thank goodness she was unaware of what was happening as he was black :eek::eek:.

Kim
 

kingmidas1962

Registered User
Jun 10, 2012
3,535
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South Gloucs
HI i would just like to say . from a small child to this day i have never beem against eny person for resones of couler, religen, or way of life, i have AD and VD now , but i have no predudise in me. and i hope it stays that way.
just felt i had to say that.

love miss cool. xxxxxx

Ah - Miss Cool ... (love the name, by the way) some younger folk, with or without dementia, could learn a lot from you! My mum doesn't have dementia but she had a breakdown caring for my dad, who does. She is the opposite to you and has many dislikes, a lot of which have only surfaced since she had her breakdown.

She dislikes, fat people, people who talk too much (or possibly even not enough!) people who are late, smokers ... but none of her dislikes are aimed towards LGBT, any race in particular or any other kind of prejudice I might possibly expect her to have, as an 85 year old woman. In fact not so long ago she said she'd never understood the objections to gay marriage, because as far as she was concerned if two people loved each other they should be able to marry. All very puzzling!
 

missmarple

Registered User
Jan 14, 2013
204
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My Dad has been somewhat racist "casual racism" and antisemitic all his life. Not particularly homophobic (he had several gay colleagues) but his attitude was very much "don't ask don't tell". Now he could not care less about race, gender or sexuality. He just responds to people according to how they treat him and handle his confusion and needs in the moment. I'd say he's in the middle stages.
 

missmarple

Registered User
Jan 14, 2013
204
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Just read several of the post above. Jimbo you sound like a lovely person. Do not worry about what may come out, in an eventuality which may well never happen. Surely it's the person you are now that matters.
Vanilla I was so moved about what you wrote. So often it's the "disappointing" child, who did not fulfill parents' maybe stereotypical expectations and ambitions, who steps up to the plate and takes responsibility in the most difficult of situations. It goes to show maybe we should be careful about what we wish for. A successfull, socially conformist child may not grow into the most caring and sensitive adult.
 

Kellie-Ann

Registered User
Apr 22, 2014
289
0
Southampton
Reading all these posts was an eye opener I found it hard to hold back the tears I just had to write something x


Sent from my iPhone
 

doodle

Registered User
May 13, 2010
16
0
I have also seen this, I agree and be patient and forgive is all I can suggest!

I am not gay but I have seen how Mum behaves to others.

I have found that Alzheimer's strips away any social restaints so deep buried prejudices come to the surface. People who are now in their 80's were brought up in very different times and being 'gay' meant breaking the law then. Racial, homophobic, antisemitic, unmarried mothers were all critised were as we would horrifed to hear them these days.

I go to see Mum and she will give me some or all of these type of comments and I feel ashamed of her but have to accept that she is just voicing comments that were all around her when she was a child.

It must be so difficult for your son to live with the time bomb. Is your father likely to suspect that one of his family might not comply to his oldfashioned idea of 'normal'.

Best wishes to your son.
 

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,063
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n.e.
Unfortunately a majority of staff in carer homes come from overseas. A large proportion of Mum's NH staff is of African origin which Mum hates. She really calls them some dreadful names and talks down to them. She is living in 1920/30 as was Clive's Mum and that is a pre-Windrush Britain then and a lot less tolerant.

I agree about the hand-shake/hug issue as I am still not happy to hug people myself. I end up leaning away from them as they get in my space but that is something from my childhood.

My friends mil is getting a lot of care from people of African ori Asian origin and it's causing a lot of problems.
 

Oxy

Registered User
Jul 19, 2014
955
0
I fully agree with Onlyme. I believe strongly that everyone should be treated as a human being regardless of Colour, creed, race or sexual orientation. However if modern times were so perfect there would be no need for these equal ops forms which mask a latent whateverphobic sentiment in Britain.
Your father's generation were often not tolerant and it generally stems from upbringing which is precisely the world they live in now with a dementia.
I think that you will need to explain what Onlyme has so well explained and the whole dementia alz thing. He will I hope understand. He will just have to do and say things that your dad agrees with the same as with lots of other things they get a bee in their bonnet about. As az goes on, he will probably (but not necessarily), not notice differences. Everyone is different though.

I must say I feel very sorry for overseas carers in homes as there are some who are such lovely people the same as there are some white british carers who are lovely and some who are frankly trash with attitude. Often overseas carers are brighter than their homegrown counterparts as they have had to master a new language as well. Only criticism I have is if the accent is such that our folk can't comprehend what they are saying.
Kindness, compassion and timely help with all our folk's needs is all we want at the end of the day.
Sorry, I've digressed, but feel very strongly about racial prejudice as I have observed it far too frequently in my work from people who should have been exemplary in that department. Mind you they are probably well into retirement now and maybe have a dementia. It made me cross as the traits they were blaming on eg a person from Afro Caribbean origin was in fact worse in their white counterpart. I am white and straight-these just conversations overheard.
 
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jen54

Registered User
May 20, 2014
240
0
thinking PC wasn't like it is now..mum comes out with some corkers, it isn't just directed at homosexuals, but anyone and everyone - she just says it as it is these days- obviously she hasn't got the filters, she can use some terms my kids find very funny for an "old lady"
I actually worry about carers if mum needs them, dad didn't have dementia,but very ill,he wasn't rude to people but it was quite obvious he didnt want certain people giving him a bed bath,etc he became quite anxious and saying he ddint want this or that and was fine thankyou, we had to make excuses and send them away, it was men also, he didn't want them washing him either, so we had to wait till the women turned up and then he would be fine-
 

Cole_H

Registered User
Oct 3, 2012
40
0
This is one of the most horrible things I have experienced. My mum being homophobic to me and talking about all my boyfriends.

I think she is back in the mid 90's when she first discovered my sexuality and used to say the same thing. Eventually she came around but all those feelings are back! Not all the time but every so often they surface.

It's the one thing that really gets to me!

She was always anti racism and would challenge people on it so not expected any issues there.
 

Tomike

Registered User
May 22, 2016
5
0
Hi, I wonder if you are still active in the Forum?

My partner has HaND and diagnosed since my earlier posts but things have come a long way now with Opening Doors London and its new Dementia Cafe for LGBT+

Be good to hear from you.


Mike


Dear Slurc

I understand your position and as a Gay man with a Gay Partner with Dementia, we often suffer with a similar but reverse situation, insofar that my Partner accuses all and sundry of being homophobic. From Carers and relatives to people in the street or on the bus. And he does so very loudly and in a very ranting manner.

It is embarassing and hurtful to those around, who often show the greatest compassion and have not a homophobic bone in their body!
But there is nothing you can do :( Sadly the disordered thought of the mind with Dementia loses control.

I think I would be inclined to take your son to one side and try to help him understand the Grandad is not anti him or homophobic. It is a condition where rationality is lost and in the midst of the fog that he finds himself, he looks to find security in discrimination. A very basic instinct, that we all suffer from.

I find it helpful to examine my own bigotries and wonder what I would come out with if I had no inhibition.

All the best,
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,363
0
Kent
Hello Mike.

Welcome to the Forum.

robertjohnmills was last on the forum 5 years ago.

Please start your own Thread and I`m sure you will get lots of support.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
10,732
0
Yorkshire
Hello @Bpad
Welcome to DTP

as stated in the post before yours, this is an old thread

As it is so old, I am now closing it to further postd
 
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