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Homophobia in people with dementia

Discussion in 'LGBT people with dementia and carers' started by slurc, Sep 1, 2010.

  1. jimbo 111

    jimbo 111 Registered User

    Jan 23, 2009
    North Bucks
    I have been reading this thread with much interest and concern
    I do not have Alzheimer’s or dementia ,and I pray to God I never will
    What is of grave concern to me is that I too could revert to the age when
    homosexuality was against the law
    I am 82 and brought up as a Catholic so you may imagine with this sort of background the possibility of my becoming homophobic is quite high
    As far as I know I am generally considered to have a temperate attitude to
    The current attitudes on race ,sex, and religion
    The main concern is ,as many of you have pointed out, like so many of your parents i have spent many of my years in a completely different outlook and I dread to think that I should at some time because of this background , voice thoughts that were never as far as I am aware in my head,
    I sympathise with the anxiety you must feel when this happens ,particularly when you know it is so much against the character of your loved ones
    Perhaps the following may lighten this matter
    My wife had AD ,( Age 80 at the time) I was filling in a form from the council for her and I laughed at one of the questions
    She asked why , though I knew she would not know what I was talking about ] I told her
    The question was
    Are you heterosexual ?
    homosexual ?
    bisexual ?
    I thought she was having difficulty understanding what I was talking about
    After a while she said with such a serious voice
    “ I Don’t know - I haven’t my mind up yet “
    Bearing in mind she was an 80 year old , strict Catholic , suffering with Alzheimer’s ,there must be some hope for the likes of me
    God Bless
  2. jamie-g

    jamie-g Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    Aberdeen , Scotland
    thick skin

    my mother is exactly the same over the years she has accepted i am gay and never to be discussed, until recently mum would ask how my partner was ....... now i am called all the names under the sun ........ i understand u want to protect your son ...... but me personally i would tell him the truth its not your father its the disease ..... your father might not of understood his grandson being gay but would have loved him just as he has all his life ........ maybe being gay and in my 40s i have developed a thick skin and shrug off the comments
  3. Noorza

    Noorza Registered User

    Jun 8, 2012
    Hi Jamie-g, just to let you know it's not just a gay thing, I have gone from being the "angel daughter" to also being called all of the names under the sun and I'm straight.

    I find the insults and the abuse hard to take and I know like you it's the disease not the person but it's awful when she goes into abuse mode. I need to grow some thicker skin and broader shoulders.
  4. Nanak

    Nanak Registered User

    Mar 25, 2010
    Brisbane Australia
    My Mother in Law was exactly the same. She had dementia and not Alzheimers but it was embarrassing.

    In her last couple of days my Sister in Law asked for a priest to be called (MIL was Catholic). Thank goodness she was unaware of what was happening as he was black :eek::eek:.

  5. kingmidas1962

    kingmidas1962 Registered User

    Jun 10, 2012
    South Gloucs
    Ah - Miss Cool ... (love the name, by the way) some younger folk, with or without dementia, could learn a lot from you! My mum doesn't have dementia but she had a breakdown caring for my dad, who does. She is the opposite to you and has many dislikes, a lot of which have only surfaced since she had her breakdown.

    She dislikes, fat people, people who talk too much (or possibly even not enough!) people who are late, smokers ... but none of her dislikes are aimed towards LGBT, any race in particular or any other kind of prejudice I might possibly expect her to have, as an 85 year old woman. In fact not so long ago she said she'd never understood the objections to gay marriage, because as far as she was concerned if two people loved each other they should be able to marry. All very puzzling!
  6. missmarple

    missmarple Registered User

    Jan 14, 2013
    My Dad has been somewhat racist "casual racism" and antisemitic all his life. Not particularly homophobic (he had several gay colleagues) but his attitude was very much "don't ask don't tell". Now he could not care less about race, gender or sexuality. He just responds to people according to how they treat him and handle his confusion and needs in the moment. I'd say he's in the middle stages.
  7. missmarple

    missmarple Registered User

    Jan 14, 2013
    Just read several of the post above. Jimbo you sound like a lovely person. Do not worry about what may come out, in an eventuality which may well never happen. Surely it's the person you are now that matters.
    Vanilla I was so moved about what you wrote. So often it's the "disappointing" child, who did not fulfill parents' maybe stereotypical expectations and ambitions, who steps up to the plate and takes responsibility in the most difficult of situations. It goes to show maybe we should be careful about what we wish for. A successfull, socially conformist child may not grow into the most caring and sensitive adult.
  8. Kellie-Ann

    Kellie-Ann Registered User

    Apr 22, 2014
    Reading all these posts was an eye opener I found it hard to hold back the tears I just had to write something x

    Sent from my iPhone
  9. doodle

    doodle Registered User

    May 13, 2010
    I have also seen this, I agree and be patient and forgive is all I can suggest!

  10. dottyd

    dottyd Registered User

    Jan 22, 2011
    My friends mil is getting a lot of care from people of African ori Asian origin and it's causing a lot of problems.
  11. SoyHJ

    SoyHJ Registered User

    Mar 16, 2013
    #31 SoyHJ, Aug 9, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2014
  12. Anonymous4now

    Anonymous4now Registered User

    Jun 22, 2014
    #32 Anonymous4now, Oct 21, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2014
    posted in wrong place by accident.
  13. Oxy

    Oxy Registered User

    Jul 19, 2014
    #33 Oxy, Oct 21, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2014
    I fully agree with Onlyme. I believe strongly that everyone should be treated as a human being regardless of Colour, creed, race or sexual orientation. However if modern times were so perfect there would be no need for these equal ops forms which mask a latent whateverphobic sentiment in Britain.
    Your father's generation were often not tolerant and it generally stems from upbringing which is precisely the world they live in now with a dementia.
    I think that you will need to explain what Onlyme has so well explained and the whole dementia alz thing. He will I hope understand. He will just have to do and say things that your dad agrees with the same as with lots of other things they get a bee in their bonnet about. As az goes on, he will probably (but not necessarily), not notice differences. Everyone is different though.

    I must say I feel very sorry for overseas carers in homes as there are some who are such lovely people the same as there are some white british carers who are lovely and some who are frankly trash with attitude. Often overseas carers are brighter than their homegrown counterparts as they have had to master a new language as well. Only criticism I have is if the accent is such that our folk can't comprehend what they are saying.
    Kindness, compassion and timely help with all our folk's needs is all we want at the end of the day.
    Sorry, I've digressed, but feel very strongly about racial prejudice as I have observed it far too frequently in my work from people who should have been exemplary in that department. Mind you they are probably well into retirement now and maybe have a dementia. It made me cross as the traits they were blaming on eg a person from Afro Caribbean origin was in fact worse in their white counterpart. I am white and straight-these just conversations overheard.
  14. jen54

    jen54 Registered User

    May 20, 2014
    thinking PC wasn't like it is now..mum comes out with some corkers, it isn't just directed at homosexuals, but anyone and everyone - she just says it as it is these days- obviously she hasn't got the filters, she can use some terms my kids find very funny for an "old lady"
    I actually worry about carers if mum needs them, dad didn't have dementia,but very ill,he wasn't rude to people but it was quite obvious he didnt want certain people giving him a bed bath,etc he became quite anxious and saying he ddint want this or that and was fine thankyou, we had to make excuses and send them away, it was men also, he didn't want them washing him either, so we had to wait till the women turned up and then he would be fine-
  15. Cole_H

    Cole_H Registered User

    Oct 3, 2012
    This is one of the most horrible things I have experienced. My mum being homophobic to me and talking about all my boyfriends.

    I think she is back in the mid 90's when she first discovered my sexuality and used to say the same thing. Eventually she came around but all those feelings are back! Not all the time but every so often they surface.

    It's the one thing that really gets to me!

    She was always anti racism and would challenge people on it so not expected any issues there.
  16. felix1977

    felix1977 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2017
    Oh. Did you tried to talk with your mother?
  17. Tomike

    Tomike Registered User

    May 22, 2016
    Hi, I wonder if you are still active in the Forum?

    My partner has HaND and diagnosed since my earlier posts but things have come a long way now with Opening Doors London and its new Dementia Cafe for LGBT+

    Be good to hear from you.


  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Mike.

    Welcome to the Forum.

    robertjohnmills was last on the forum 5 years ago.

    Please start your own Thread and I`m sure you will get lots of support.
  19. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hello @Bpad
    Welcome to DTP

    as stated in the post before yours, this is an old thread

    As it is so old, I am now closing it to further postd
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