1. kimbo

    kimbo Registered User

    Apr 12, 2007
    Yesterday my husband took his mother for her appointment at the memory clinic where the tests proved that she is getting steadily worse. She is following a pattern that many of you have talked about on here so I cannot express how grateful I am to this forum even though I don't post very often, I do read the posts on it and it has prepared us for the future.Thank you.
    However the doctor suggested to my m-i-l that she might like to consider moving nearer to us which she instantly took as moving in with us. The doctor, apparantly, was wonderful and corrected her. She told my m-i-l that she could not expect to move in with us nor for us to move to her. I realise that many of you are caring for relatives in your own homes and may consider us very selfish. I can only apologise. Later on in the day m-i-l told my husband that if she has to go in a home that she will kill herself. I didn't know what to say to him when he told me this or how to comfort him. He is losing the mother he has always thought of as so strong and then she is making threats like this.
    She is almost to the point as well, that if anything goes wrong in the house that she is calling us and expecting him to drop everything to go and help her. This isn't always feasible as he is on call for his work and she doesn't like that. He is beginning to feel that, although, his parents wanted him to get on life and get a good job, it's all amounted to nothing in the scale of things.
    Also she is so muddled about taking her tablets. I had heard about a service that some-one will go in and supervise her taking them. She lives in Portsmouth. Does anyone know about this and if so, could they give me any details. Thank you.
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Kim,
    It is not the purpose of TP to be judgemental about other members and no-one will think you are selfish.

    I do not know anything about services available in Portsmouth, but I`m sure if you wrote to, or phoned your MIL` s GP, you would be able to find out more.

    I would try hard to find a way to get your MIL into a NH nearer to you. It sounds as if she is in danger of being at risk and would benefit from 24/7 care. Would the idea of more frequent visits from you and her son persuade her.

    Sorry I can`t be of more help.

    Love xx
  3. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Kim, you and your husband have my every sympathy. This inherent selfishness can be so frustrating. My mother can be like a foot-stamping toddler in full blown tantrum at times if there is something she wants and she wants it NOW! The fact that she has at times no concept that I have other minor details in life to attend to like work and my own family can be infuriating - then sadly I have to accede that she is struggling to cope with whatever the bounds of her own small world are now - how can I expect her to understand beyond that?

    How did your MIL react when she thought there was a possibility of moving in with you? Does she not want to go into a home because she has her own perspective of what a 'home' is (as my mother does)? Is she feistily independent and trying to 'prove' she can manage when clearly she can't (as my mother does)? Or is she frightened and lonely and really wanting to cling onto her son's shirt-tails (as my mother does with me)? Or a bit of all of them? I just wonder if you can fathom her 'logic' behind making such vehement protestations, you might find a way to handle it better. On the surface, to be blunt, it is emotional blackmail - but when statements like this come from someone who is at best confused and probably very scared - especially if these type of threats were previously out of character - it is perhaps easier to consider the protests as a lashing out of their anger and confusion than personal threats.

    On a practical level for the short-term I would contact Social Services in MIL's area - they should provide - or will know who provides carers to drop in and supervise medication . For the longer term, I would suggest you and hubby decide what you can or can't do (and where you need 'services' to help) and then determine to stick to it! This disease is cruel enough on the sufferer without wreaking devastation on the families around it. Finding the 'middle ground' is tough but you will .......

    Keep posting - I am sure there will be lots more ideas for support ...

    Love, Karen, x
  4. kimbo

    kimbo Registered User

    Apr 12, 2007
    Dear Karen. When she thought the doctor said about moving in with us, she asked my husband what I would feel about that. He didn't get a chance to answer as the doctor stepped straight in, telling her that she hadn't said that.

    I think she is a mix of all three of the scenes you talked about. Hubby is an only child whom she quite often thinks is HER husband. She also looked after both her m-i-l and mother when they were ill. Hubby says that she may feel it is our duty to do this as it was what she had to do. I also think she is lonely as she has slowly cut herself off from friends who tried to help her when my f-i-l died. She really only has her sister (to whom she is being more and more abusive) and us. Hubby feels so guilty as he promised his father he would look after her. I keep telling him that he is doing his best and that is all that his father expected him to do.

    We will try social services and keep hunting for that middle ground...I am sure it's around here somewhere.

    I feel sometimes other people are judging us but I have come to realise today that the only person doing that is me and by stopping doing that I maybe able to move forwards. :)
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kim

    I'm afraid we all feel the same. No matter how many times we are told that we are doing everything possible, we all think we should be doing more. It's called the guilt monster, and we all have to fight him.

    There is a middle groung, but you have to fight for it. You may find SS helpful, you may find you are low priority for them. Just keep fighting.

    Also contact your local branch os AS, and Princess Royal Trust for Carers. Both of them will provide support for you, and may carry more clout with SS.

    And convince yourself and your husband that you have absolutely mothing to feel guilty about.

  6. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Well done you !!!!! I wish I had realised that sooner!!!!! :)

    I know my mum confuses me for 'dad' (eight years deceased) - she talks about 'we' as if I were her partner, not her daughter ..... and sometimes it takes a lot of biting of lip not to correct her .......

    I too, feel a 'duty' borne out of promises I made to my dad - let alone what I feel for mum ........ but am slowly learning that 'doing my best' doesn't necessarily mean ' doing it all myself'!!!! :)

    I hope your hubby can get some comfort too from this forum ......

    Love, Karen, x
  7. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Dear Kim

    Firstly , your apologies are not necessary on TP, secondly doing your best may well be insisting that your MIL goes into a care home.

    Your husband promised to look after his mother, that does not mean that he would necessarily do the careing himself. only that he would take responsibility for her care not the delivery.

    I am struggling with the problem of whether it is time for care in a nursing home and we all go through agonies wondering who we are doing it for, ourselves or our loved ones.

    That you are showing such concern tells us that your heart is in the right place and I am sure you will sort your problems out and care for your MIL.

  8. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    Hello Kim,

    My sister and I promised our father on his death bed that we would always look after our mother.

    Ten years later we were on our knees - our "looking after" just wasn't good enough however hard we tried - she needs special care for her AD and that can only be given now in our particular circumstances by professionals.

    We have to live with the "guilt monster" now but whenever it all seems too much we try to tell ourselves that REALLY looking after our mother means arranging the care she needs - not muddling through exhausted and resenting it more and more as she needed more and more from us.

    She went into a CH 8 days ago and today was the first time she smiled and looked pleased to see us and actually talked a bit.

    You've got to do what's right for the whole family- yourselves and your Mum combined. caring doesn't stop just because you're not physically doing it yourself.
    And I think sometimes when you ARE doing it yourself the sheer b***** exhaustion turns you into a bit of an uncaring zombie (sorry - I meant me here- poorly expressed ) !! Lots do, do it and I think they qualify for sainthood - we couldn't do it but I don't think we're bad - only very very human.....

    I think that in the end your own instincts will tell you - but don't let anyone pile on the guilt if you decide not - if you decide to try then all the best - but be flexible about the future.

    Best wishes whatever you decide
  9. fearful fiona

    fearful fiona Registered User

    Apr 19, 2007
    Dear Kim,

    Just to underline what everyone else has said. I went through all this with my Mum, she was constantly calling me and expecting me to drop everything and all the rest. She was deteriorating (as was my father) and the stress of all of it was making me ill too!

    Anyway they both went into a home at the beginning of October and my other posts will explain how difficult it has been, but I just know it was the right thing. There is a point at which 24 hour supervision is absolutely essential and although Mum has still not settled I know that she is in the only - repeat only - place for her. She absolutely cannot be at home.

    Incidentally my Mum threatened suicide when we stopped her driving the car and again recently in the home she threatened to throw herself out of the window. I said "well I can't stop you, but Dad will be awfully upset" and she did nothing of course. Obviously your Mum is not my Mum but she does sound very similar. It seems to be the reaction of a spoilt child.

    I know in my area there can be arrangements for supervising taking of medication, so hopefully there are in your area too.

    Hope this helps, good luck.
  10. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    Dear Kim,

    I tend to agree with your hubby many elderly people think this is the case. My own dad is like this and also extremely selfish. I am glad that you realise that it's you doing the judging because you are not selfish at all.

    I hope that everything works out well. Regards Taffy.

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