Homes and wether to move mum.

Dumpton

New member
Nov 22, 2023
2
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Hello we have just put mum into a home recently, which I have found difficult and upsetting, along with all the guilt that goes with it.i feel we could do better for mum, but my sisters are worried about these top up fees when mum's money runs out.Im not sure if it's a good place or not but dread going as it's very sad and depressing, my mum is ok but not really happy there.
 

JHA

Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
930
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It is early days for you all and it will take time for your mom to settle and for you to get used to the idea so try to be kind to yourself.

My mom has been in her care home approaching three years. I still feel guilty, have doubts and wonder if I did the right thing - could I have taken her home with me but deep down I know I made the best choice for her and me as there is no way I could have looked after her and watched her 24/7 especially as she was a wanderer. Sadly I think this feeling will never go away but my mom is safe, warm, cared for and fed - I cannot say she is happy because she was not really happy at home.
 

Angel55

Registered User
Oct 23, 2023
218
0
Hello 💗

I think JHA sums things up really well. Dad has been where he is for over a year now and before that he was in respite emergency care for six/seven months so nearly two years in total. He couldn't remember how unhappy he was at home either and he is just the same here to be fair. I would loved him to remain at home but it couldn't be, try not to feel guilty often it is the only practical option left and I don't believe many people 'want' or 'put' their loved ones into residential places for no reason which is often how people can be made to feel. Take Care x
 

My Mum's Daughter

Registered User
Feb 8, 2020
773
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Top up fees are voluntary but care homes have a nasty habit of making them sound compulsory. Social worker has told me that if the money runs out, the LA could move Mum to a cheaper home however, this rarely happens.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,499
0
South coast
Hello we have just put mum into a home recently, which I have found difficult and upsetting, along with all the guilt that goes with it.i feel we could do better for mum, but my sisters are worried about these top up fees when mum's money runs out.Im not sure if it's a good place or not but dread going as it's very sad and depressing, my mum is ok but not really happy there.
I take it that you want to find a "nicer" home for your mum, by which Im guessing that you mean one that looks like a hotel with more upmarket decor and furnishings and perhaps has facilities like a bar, cinema and bistro? These sort of homes are invariably more expensive, but are not always (often?) suitable for people with dementia. Many of the managers put the money into superficial things that will appeal to the "discerning relative" (but will not necessarily benefit the resident with dementia) and skimp on the carers budget. Consequently, although it is fine for the residents who are elderly and perhaps frail, there is not the number of carers, and they are not usually sufficiently trained or experienced enough to support residents with dementia past the initial, easy stages. These sort of homes, even though they say they accept people with dementia, cannot meet the needs of those whose dementia is more advanced, so there will come a time when they will ask that resident to leave. Im not saying that they are all like this, but an awful lot of them are.

When you are looking at care homes, you have to look beyond the decor, bells and whistles and look at the actual care provided. How many staff are there around? How do they interact with the residents? Are there times when the residents are left unsupervised? What happens at night? What behaviour will they not tolerate - and often the behaviour that they wont tolerate is normal dementia behaviour! Talk to the manager, be brutally honest about your mums behaviour and ask them how they would deal with it - woolly answers probably mean that they have little experience. My mum was in a dementia care home that looked a bit shabby and old fashioned, but the care was wonderful and they looked after her right up to the end.
 

SuperFab

Registered User
Jun 20, 2023
14
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Top up fees are voluntary but care homes have a nasty habit of making them sound compulsory. Social worker has told me that if the money runs out, the LA could move Mum to a cheaper home however, this rarely happens.
Correct - do not VOLUNTEER to make top up contributions. It's a case of who blinks first. It isn't ethical or in a residents interest if they've been in a home for several years to then be moved because the money has run out.
I've previously consulted a financial advisor on this in the case of my father now sadly passed, and he said he has not come across one case where a local authority has decided to move someone once money has run out.