Home Security - frustrated, angry and annoyed when only trying to do the right thing
- Thread starter honeybears
- Start date
He probably wont even have remembered he's opened them, never mind forgetting to close them.
Everytime you point out the error of his way, he WILL shrug it off. He isn't being difficult, he has dementia.
Its far easier, to get him in the car and say ''I'll just go and shut your windows'', or if all else fails '' I need a wee, give us your keys dad'' and just do it.
Everytime you point out the error of his way, he WILL shrug it off. He isn't being difficult, he has dementia.
Its far easier, to get him in the car and say ''I'll just go and shut your windows'', or if all else fails '' I need a wee, give us your keys dad'' and just do it.
I am afraid reminding, correcting, arguing and such like is no use once someone has dementia. Their brain just simply doesn't compute it anymore. Being physically able to shut a window and mentally understanding that you have to are two different things, and logic won't help you. I know it's frustrating but they can't change anymore, but you can try and change your reaction. Don't make a big drama out of things or you'll get yourself ill. Just casually say you're going to shut the windows to the cold or something. Look into securing the windows somehow. Does he get any support from Social Services?
Here's a good link about compassionate communication:
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Here's a good link about compassionate communication:
http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
Your feeling like you do because you obviously care about dad and his security!
I have to agree with Beate you must move over to caring with a new understanding!
There are times when you could lecture, threaten (nicely) or what ever you like! But the one and only thing important is what's in front of you in your mind at that moment and I doubt that will be closing windows!
I have to agree with Beate you must move over to caring with a new understanding!
There are times when you could lecture, threaten (nicely) or what ever you like! But the one and only thing important is what's in front of you in your mind at that moment and I doubt that will be closing windows!
Honeybears - I'm sorry you have deleted your post. You are doing your best in a difficult situation and torn lots of ways with both parents needing support.
Your reaction to your dad is normal, but he no longer understands.
Everytime people ask me about my mum, I always say the memory loss is the least of the problems, the inability to process information is far more difficult to deal with.
I think my mum's cognitive functions went long before her memory loss showed up that she had dementia.
Sadly you have to work round problems with dementia, tackling head on just leaves to arguments, which you can't win. I kept trying to point things out to my mum, and she just came up with an argument against things, so where possible I avoid confrontation.
Still haven't worked out how to get her to keep radiators turned on, 3rd winter in her extra care flat and if I tell her she just says she doesn't feel the cold and it costs money. I tried telling her she'd end up ill in hospital and she said she wasn't bothered, I said I didn't have time to visit (she understand I am busy and don't have much time) and she said that was OK as she didn't mind if I didn't visit (true as she knows I am busy and thinks she is OK to sort things out herself). Not bothered with that line of arguing again.
OH took over a year to understand that she couldn't understand things as she comes across as if she does.
But it is so frustrating.
Your reaction to your dad is normal, but he no longer understands.
Everytime people ask me about my mum, I always say the memory loss is the least of the problems, the inability to process information is far more difficult to deal with.
I think my mum's cognitive functions went long before her memory loss showed up that she had dementia.
Sadly you have to work round problems with dementia, tackling head on just leaves to arguments, which you can't win. I kept trying to point things out to my mum, and she just came up with an argument against things, so where possible I avoid confrontation.
Still haven't worked out how to get her to keep radiators turned on, 3rd winter in her extra care flat and if I tell her she just says she doesn't feel the cold and it costs money. I tried telling her she'd end up ill in hospital and she said she wasn't bothered, I said I didn't have time to visit (she understand I am busy and don't have much time) and she said that was OK as she didn't mind if I didn't visit (true as she knows I am busy and thinks she is OK to sort things out herself). Not bothered with that line of arguing again.
OH took over a year to understand that she couldn't understand things as she comes across as if she does.
But it is so frustrating.
Keeping the radiators on should be easy, after opening the valves unscrew the caps and remove them, thermostatic valves will continue to work, the room should maintain heat if the thermostat is set, again remove the knob of reqd. Someone recently suggested putting a cover over the heating controls.
She is in sheltered extra care shared ownership - so this wouldn't be acceptable to the carers. One of my problems is the carers turn the heating up way too high as well 
I know I just need to 'fix' the valves - but carers turning heating up too high is also part of the problem as mum has never previously lived anywhere with central heating so genuinely doesn't like it too hot.
I know I just need to 'fix' the valves - but carers turning heating up too high is also part of the problem as mum has never previously lived anywhere with central heating so genuinely doesn't like it too hot.
Several TRVs have upper and lower limit stops quite often only accessible by removing the knob.
The valve at the other end of the radiator should not be adjustable without removing the cap (not knob), it is only used to balance the system on installation.
The valve at the other end of the radiator should not be adjustable without removing the cap (not knob), it is only used to balance the system on installation.
That would involve OH doing it, and whilst he is capable, for reasons I don't understand (fear of dementia?/anger at mum disrupting our lives?) he is very reluctant to do anything to help my mum.
Mum's fire is fully enclosed so no worries about adding flammable material. My worry is it's the primary heat source but can be a bit difficult to switch on. Apart from the gas fire mum has an oil filled, electric, radiator in the hall. I don't know what I worry about more. Hypothermia (if the fire doesn't light) or gas poisoning if mum tries to light the fire, fails, but doesn't realise
