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home care or live in care

JaneStreet

Registered User
Apr 4, 2014
27
Having come to the end of my tether with my mum I have had to put her in a home for a trial. I was planning to do live in care but she was adamant that she didn't want someone living in her house.
My brother took her in as I just knew I wouldn't be able to leave her there. It was a struggle and there were tears and tantrums but we've managed the first night. I am dreading going to see her today as I know she will ask me to take her home. It is a nice care home but I am wondering if I should have pushed for live in care instead. I guess there are pros and cons for each and I know it is generally thought that Alzheimer's sufferers should try and stay in their own home. I live close by so she won't be left in the care home all day (she is very mobile so I will be keeping her active and I will continue to take her out and about) She was always a very sociable person so I was hoping in a care home there would be lots of people to chat to as opposed to one live in carer.
However I can't stop thinking and worrying about her and if this decision is the right one. I know it's early days and the next few days are probably going to be the worst.
Any thoughts gratefully received.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,099
Scotland
Instead of going in every day the usual advice is to wait a few days to give her time to adjust to new surroundings and people. Otherwise she will focus entirely on your visits just as if she were still at home.
 

Clueless2

Registered User
May 14, 2015
34
My mother also suffers terribly with anxiety, (where is my beloved husband?)

Mum is unaware that after 3 months in a hospice, that her husband passed away last April, together they had 24 hour live in care from November 2014. Mum resented the carers, (and prior to that my assistance) having no understanding of her condition, believing that she was more than capable of looking after my cancer afflicted dad. Mum became angry and unsettled when nurses, Drs etc arrived to check on dad. Hence is admission to a hospice where he was able to end his days in a calmer environment.

Mum eventually began to tolerate the live in carers, but even that could change to shouting, hitting etc; very volatile indeed. In July it was becoming more obvious that she would eventually need two carers living in, because her sleeping, waking and volatility were too much for one carer, despite my almost daily visits to provide breaks.

I would never have believed that mum would adjust to a care home; moving into one had been her worst fear in her pre dementia life. However she seems to have settled very well, even though it is still early days (beginning of August) other residents provide distractions, she has had her hair done a couple of times, and made some friends.

I followed the advice of the home and didn't visit her for a week, I rang almost daily instead! When I visited her instead of the usual angry anticipated greeting of "oh it's you, what have you done with him this time?" Mum was so pleased to see me, she accepted my explanation that her GP had suggested that she was exhausted and needed a little convalescence, and that dad was on his way, just had to take the car to the garage first to get a rattle looked at.

Living only minutes from her, I had hoped that mum would be able to stay in her home longer, actually it seems that there, she was constantly reminded that my dad was missing. In the care home mum is distracted, she still asks the staff where dad is, but there is more going on to occupy her time.

Have the home suggested that you visit each day? Or, like me, is that what you feel you should do? My mum was used to seeing me almost daily too, but by stepping back from visiting, I see that it has have given her space to adapt.

I realise that I have rambled on, but your post chimed something within me too!

Good luck.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Having come to the end of my tether with my mum I have had to put her in a home for a trial. I was planning to do live in care but she was adamant that she didn't want someone living in her house.
My brother took her in as I just knew I wouldn't be able to leave her there. It was a struggle and there were tears and tantrums but we've managed the first night. I am dreading going to see her today as I know she will ask me to take her home. It is a nice care home but I am wondering if I should have pushed for live in care instead. I guess there are pros and cons for each and I know it is generally thought that Alzheimer's sufferers should try and stay in their own home. I live close by so she won't be left in the care home all day (she is very mobile so I will be keeping her active and I will continue to take her out and about) She was always a very sociable person so I was hoping in a care home there would be lots of people to chat to as opposed to one live in carer.
However I can't stop thinking and worrying about her and if this decision is the right one. I know it's early days and the next few days are probably going to be the worst.
Any thoughts gratefully received.
To be honest, once dementia has reached a certain stage, then a good care home is often the best place, because it is very hard to provide round the clock care and supervision at home. As you say, a lot of people don't like 'strangers' invading their own space, and if someone needs more or less 24/7 care and supervision that means more than one person on shifts, and they all need breaks and time off, which means more changes.

My mother was not at all happy about going into her CH either - we had to get her there by pretending we were just going out for lunch. She simply would never have gone otherwise and the situation had become urgent. (She was there nearly 8 years and died recently at 97). I won't pretend it was easy at first but she did settle eventually. It is often advised not to visit too much in the early days, since the person is likely to settle more quickly. However I did, and I still don't know whether it was the right thing or not. One thing people often say is that although the person may be very upset or angry with visiting relatives, staff will say that they are fine when you are not there, so that is one thing to bear in mind.

One thing a good care home will usually provide, which is much harder to arrange at home, is all sorts of activities suitable for people with dementia. My mother's was very good in this respect - she was never much of a joiner--inner but most of the residents seemed to enjoy them. If your mother is a sociable type I would think there is a good chance of her settling well and fairly quickly - I do wish you both all the best since I know
all too well what a stressful and worrying time this can be.
 

JaneStreet

Registered User
Apr 4, 2014
27
My mother also suffers terribly with anxiety, (where is my beloved husband?)

Mum is unaware that after 3 months in a hospice, that her husband passed away last April, together they had 24 hour live in care from November 2014. Mum resented the carers, (and prior to that my assistance) having no understanding of her condition, believing that she was more than capable of looking after my cancer afflicted dad. Mum became angry and unsettled when nurses, Drs etc arrived to check on dad. Hence is admission to a hospice where he was able to end his days in a calmer environment.

Mum eventually began to tolerate the live in carers, but even that could change to shouting, hitting etc; very volatile indeed. In July it was becoming more obvious that she would eventually need two carers living in, because her sleeping, waking and volatility were too much for one carer, despite my almost daily visits to provide breaks.

I would never have believed that mum would adjust to a care home; moving into one had been her worst fear in her pre dementia life. However she seems to have settled very well, even though it is still early days (beginning of August) other residents provide distractions, she has had her hair done a couple of times, and made some friends.

I followed the advice of the home and didn't visit her for a week, I rang almost daily instead! When I visited her instead of the usual angry anticipated greeting of "oh it's you, what have you done with him this time?" Mum was so pleased to see me, she accepted my explanation that her GP had suggested that she was exhausted and needed a little convalescence, and that dad was on his way, just had to take the car to the garage first to get a rattle looked at.

Living only minutes from her, I had hoped that mum would be able to stay in her home longer, actually it seems that there, she was constantly reminded that my dad was missing. In the care home mum is distracted, she still asks the staff where dad is, but there is more going on to occupy her time.

Have the home suggested that you visit each day? Or, like me, is that what you feel you should do? My mum was used to seeing me almost daily too, but by stepping back from visiting, I see that it has have given her space to adapt.

I realise that I have rambled on, but your post chimed something within me too!

Good luck.
Thank you that really helps
 

JaneStreet

Registered User
Apr 4, 2014
27
To be honest, once dementia has reached a certain stage, then a good care home is often the best place, because it is very hard to provide round the clock care and supervision at home. As you say, a lot of people don't like 'strangers' invading their own space, and if someone needs more or less 24/7 care and supervision that means more than one person on shifts, and they all need breaks and time off, which means more changes.

My mother was not at all happy about going into her CH either - we had to get her there by pretending we were just going out for lunch. She simply would never have gone otherwise and the situation had become urgent. (She was there nearly 8 years and died recently at 97). I won't pretend it was easy at first but she did settle eventually. It is often advised not to visit too much in the early days, since the person is likely to settle more quickly. However I did, and I still don't know whether it was the right thing or not. One thing people often say is that although the person may be very upset or angry with visiting relatives, staff will say that they are fine when you are not there, so that is one thing to bear in mind.

One thing a good care home will usually provide, which is much harder to arrange at home, is all sorts of activities suitable for people with dementia. My mother's was very good in this respect - she was never much of a joiner--inner but most of the residents seemed to enjoy them. If your mother is a sociable type I would think there is a good chance of her settling well and fairly quickly - I do wish you both all the best since I know
all too well what a stressful and worrying time this can be.
Thanks for the reply
 

DMac

Registered User
Jul 18, 2015
535
Surrey, UK
Care home or home care?

I'm reading the posts on this thread with great interest, because (with my family) I'm at the point of considering whether mum and dad-in-law should be moved into a care home. Our situation is doubly complicated because BOTH m-i-l AND d-i-l have some cognitive impairment, but in different ways. Dad-in-law also has physical care needs due to his immobility.

I sometimes feel confused by advice I read on this forum. In some places, it seems to say that it's best to live for the present day and don't think too much about the distant future. In other places, it seems to say that it's best to plan now to avoid a crisis further down the line.

So, I'd like to ask:

What are the main considerations to think about when considering a move to a care home?

Could my p-i-ls live together in a care home - even though they have very different needs?

Could live-in care be a viable alternative for the 2 of them?

When (if ever) is the right time to move to a care home?

What about the cost implications? (They are self-funding)

Any advice would be welcome.

Thank you for raising this topic - it has come at the right time!
 

Sparrowlegs

Registered User
Jul 9, 2015
19
I am struggling at the mo because my mum has been in respite for three weeks and staff have been telling me that she is fine, she packs and unpacks regularly and asks after me a lot but isn't distressed and pinning for home. So I wonder if she should come home? Staff are amazed how I looked after her as she a 24/7 job. She is 62 and if am 35 and feel so guilty that I don't visit much but when I do she gets very distressed people say I need a life etc. but I feel so guilty about the decision I need to make about her coming home, what is best for her, I am angry, tired and soul destroyed. What shall I do?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,594
South coast
I am struggling at the mo because my mum has been in respite for three weeks and staff have been telling me that she is fine, she packs and unpacks regularly and asks after me a lot but isn't distressed and pinning for home. So I wonder if she should come home? Staff are amazed how I looked after her as she a 24/7 job. She is 62 and if am 35 and feel so guilty that I don't visit much but when I do she gets very distressed people say I need a life etc. but I feel so guilty about the decision I need to make about her coming home, what is best for her, I am angry, tired and soul destroyed. What shall I do?
So, she only been in there for 3 weeks, but she is already not pining for home?
And the staff are wondering how on earth you managed to look after her?
And you are feeling tired angry and soul destroyed?

Id have said that this is a no brainer. I suspect that the only reason you havent grabbed the offer of a permanent place is because when your mum sees you it triggers off her distress. This can happen in the early stages of going into a home, but usually settles. But really, she needs to be looked after by people who are not constantly stressed and tired and get regular time off, so that they can deal with her calmly.