1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Rosebay

    Rosebay Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    165
    Oxfordshire
    I think we need a new thread posted here for a Home Alone Club. So many of us now have partners in Nursing Homes. Its not easy being on your own and its also not easy visiting the one you love which I am fortunately able to do daily now. There are lots of good reasons for having Nursing Home care but I really wish my husband had been discharged from hospital back home with me.
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    Taking the initiative to start such a thread is a positive step, I think!
     
  3. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,741
    Salford
    Hi Rosebay
    Nice to see you posting again and that your husband has been moved near enough for you to visit everyday, but nothing will make up for the loss of her, sectioned then in care.
    When I leave her each day she doesn't know so at least only one of us suffers the pain of departure.
    K
     
  4. christmas

    christmas Registered User

    Apr 27, 2014
    205
    Leicestershire
    Hi I know just how you feel leaving my husband to come home breaks my heart I am thinking all the time are they looking after him when I am not there , then I get home and the house feels so cold without him there even with the heating on , I never thought you could feel so much pain in your heart but it's true I feel like mine is breaking , I know peter does not know really where he is but I am always thinking he does , my children keep trying to convince me he can't understand but my head won't listen Christmas. Xx
     
  5. Rosebay

    Rosebay Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    165
    Oxfordshire
    Thank you for looking at my new post. I feel I need help and support adjusting to nursing home care. All the time my husband was in hospital there was still a part of me that was hoping for him to come home and now I know that will never happen.

    The Nursing Home has all the qualities I was told to look for. It doesnt smell. The rooms are all clean and tidy and maintained to a high standard. There are lots of long corridors, a quiet area, dining / lounge area and activities room. A conservatory and nice gardens for use in the Summer.

    So why am I so anxious. I have some questions that I would like to ask them but I am not brave enough to ask yet as it may just be the progression of the illness and I am not ready for the last stage yet.

    I am not coping. In fact this is going to sound really weird but now that I am able to visit him every day I found it a lot harder seeing him so lost.

    I am having so many sleepless nights now just worrying about the future. Only here there are members that really do understand what its like for me now. There is the emotional side of being alone as well as the practical side of trying to do things by yourself but the thing I miss the most is the closeness that we had. Oh well another day ......... someone once said to me "we have only one life to live so make the best of everything" - I am trying but it wasnt suppose to be living on my own!
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,125
    Kent
    I know @Rosebay as so many others here know.

    If you have many questions for the care home, please ask if you can have some time with the manager to address them. I'm sure they won't mind, especially as you feel happy with the home and what it is providing.
     
  7. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    515
    Scotland
    Hi everyone

    Since hubby is in care home I can identify with what everyone has said. I visit almost every day and come home to the house which no longer feels like a home - so empty now without him.

    Lilac x
     
  8. Everton Annie

    Everton Annie Registered User

    My husband went into full time care in mid November. I miss my husband so much but not the man in the care home. It is hard to begin to build your life again, we were supposed to retire together. I tell myself we are moving forward together in a different way but in truth he doesn't know who I am or that I visit him. Sometimes he sleeps the whole visit but at least I have seen him. I am doing things for me because I know if I don't my world will shrink further. Feel guilty? You bet I do but I can't change things so I have to live with it. He was 68 last Saturday, he doesn't know he had a cake and presents and visitors but we do and that is important. Such a cruel disease.
     
  9. Ronnianne

    Ronnianne Registered User

    Jan 3, 2017
    21
    Skipton,North Yorks

    I know exactly how you feel, when I've been to see my husband of 51 years, I just sit and cry. When he was first diagnosed, the doctor told me to consider myself a widow, as the man I married had gone. Not true, there are still glimpses of him, few and far between, but still there. The nursing home is lovely, with caring staff, but I would give anything to have him back home with me
     
  10. Rosebay

    Rosebay Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    165
    Oxfordshire
    I have had a traumatic week. How can someone go from being unwell to critical in just a few hours? The Nursing Home and out of hours doctors and paramedics over the last six days were brilliant. Fortunately the antibiotics are starting to work their magic now. He is still very sleepy and not interacting or eating much. I snuggle up as much as I can to him and hold his hand and chat so he knows he is not alone. He has absolutely no idea that I am his wife but I hope somewhere in his lost world he can still feel my love. How can we keep strong when a part of us dies every time we see our loved ones getting worse and moving closer to the last stage.
     
  11. DixonC

    DixonC Registered User

    Aug 3, 2016
    28
    Like you Everton Annie my husband is the same age and was totally unaware of the reason for a birthday cake and presents on his 69th birthday last month. Our daughter and two young granddaughters came to help share the day, it was made even sadder knowing that he was going into care Jan 3rd. I do not feel guilty just incredibly sad and lonely, it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make but I could no longer cope on my own. He is still strong and was becoming more aggressive, so for the safety of both of us something had to change. I hate being here on my own after 46 years of marriage but he has not been the man I married for years. I am visiting him every couple of days sometimes, like others have said, he is asleep and others he is just walking up and down the corridors, he is settled and enjoying the freedom to wander in the open spaces, he occasionally smiles at me but most of the time he has no idea who I am. Reading all the posts is so sad, we all have to cherish our happy memories and hang on to the person we have loved and simply be there to show them we still do love them.
     
  12. Rosebay

    Rosebay Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    165
    Oxfordshire
    Today I feel particularly sad and alone. Why ? Its my birthday.
     
  13. marjip

    marjip Registered User

    Jan 17, 2015
    1
    My Husband of almost 50 years went into a Care Home in November. it was a hugely difficult decision to make but I could no longer keep him safe at home so I had no choice. I agree it's very hard to leave after a visit -it just feels like I'm deserting him , even though i feel he is very well cared for and in the main he is more content there than he was at home. All we can do is our best and I have to try and adjust and find new interests as both our lives have been dominated by Dementia for such a long time. Try and be kind to yourself- you deserve it- Happy Birthday Rosebay
     
  14. Rosebay

    Rosebay Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    165
    Oxfordshire
    Ahh thank you marjip. My husband was asleep the whole time that I was with him today and because he didn't respond to me at all it just upset me more than normal because of my birthday. Finding new interests when we have always done everything together for the last 45 years is really hard for me. The other thing I find really difficult is that everyone seems to be in couples everywhere I go. On a positive I have joined a health and fitness club - its a start!! I have also had my first spa day experience! Little steps........
     
  15. Normaleila

    Normaleila Registered User

    Jun 4, 2016
    653
    Oh Rosebay. I hope you've found something to enjoy today. Happy birthday.
     
  16. copsham

    copsham Registered User

    Oct 11, 2012
    593
    Oxfordshire
    Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday dear Rose bay Happy Birthday to you.

    I am not in your position - my mother has dementia and is in a nursing home, not nearly as emotional as you are experiencing. All I can do is send my hugs from afar and wish you better.
     
  17. Everton Annie

    Everton Annie Registered User

    @Rosebay Happy birthday. Mine was on Monday and I visited my husband and went to my first French class at the University of the Third Age. It is hard doing things on your own after so many years of doing things together but if I don't I will become more isolated. @DixonC I do agree with you. I am told my husband spends much of the night with his coat on by the lift waiting to go home. So sad wish I could wave a magic wand
     
  18. PMS

    PMS New member

    Jan 3, 2018
    1
    I’m not alone at home (yet) but heart is breaking all the same.
     
  19. Rosebay

    Rosebay Registered User

    Jul 27, 2014
    165
    Oxfordshire
    Thank you every one. Maybe its time for me to go back to work - volunteering or even a part time job maybe as I have not reached retirement age yet. Has anyone else considered that? Something to occupy me outside my house and the Nursing Home. Could it help me adjust to my new life? I am meeting new ladies at the Fitness Club and starting to chat a bit but I find it hard to talk about whats happened to my husband. There seems to be a fine line about what is normal day to day chatting and personal/private business now. As I live in a small place everyone seems to know each other which doesn't help. Its not that I particularly want to keep my husbands condition a secret its just that I hate the words Alzheimers and dementia because only us living with it know the true impact it has on our lives.
     

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