1. wagg123

    wagg123 Registered User

    Aug 18, 2015
    Morning everyone, was wondering if anyone had advice on how to deal with my father who has just come home from a weeks respite in a care home. his week was terrible. He cried most of the time, asked for me and my mam and although my mam has had a break (sort of) , when i have brought him home he was SO angry at me. why why why ?? all the time...where has we been??? He s done with me he says and last night he would not take his meds.
    This morning he is so confused and barely knows my mam. I dare not go round (ringing every half hour) incas e I make him worse. In short, I feel like the worst person in the world. My idea for respite as my mam was on rock bottom but i think ive made him 100 times worse. He looks terrible. lost weight, grey face ...Anyone been through this part ?
    Im terrified Ive made it worse for my mam...thank you for reading this x
  2. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    Hello and welcome to TP and to the world of never doing right for doing wrong:eek::rolleyes:

    Dad went into respite for the best of reasons....so that his carer could have a time out. He says it was awful...what did the CH say? He blames you....'cos he doesn't know to blame the disease:(

    He's home again...and everything is strange. I know that feeling, when I've come home from my holidays and the house looks tiny or enormous ( depending on whether I stayed in a tent or hotel) and, as far as I know, I don't have Dementia.
    I'd say go round as usual, make no mention and do not go in full of apologies. Carry on supporting Mum and plan the next respite.could always have a look around for a different " hotel" for him.

    Take care...:)
  3. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #3 Margarita, Aug 18, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2015
    I agree with Cragmaid

    My mother hated going into respite use to be more distorated mentalliy when mum use to come back home .
    Mum would ask if my daughters would look after her . Also get very angery with me.
    Used to make me feel so guilty.

    After a few days back home with me, from being in respite
    Mum would get back to her normal self in what ever stage mum was in with her dementia

    People with dementia can’t take change easily
    They feel safer with routine .

    I needed that time out from my mother to help me keep on caring for her.
    Mum never undertood that never excepted that I needed time out.

    Just keep your focused on the time your mum had away from caring for your father for a while.
    How it made your mum feel having downtime from caring full-time.

    Putting guilt aside any Guilt your mum or yourself may have .As is such a waste of energy . very emotionally draining.

    it's not ease caring for someone with dementia
    When a person in the mist of dementia they lose the cognitive awareness of knowing of how their symptoms of dementia put on such a mental strain on the person doing the full time caring .

    Sometimes the person can have awareness . It can be so heartbreaking for both .

    Its hard being logical, healthy thinking while one carry so many emotional feeling for our love ones.

    I am a
    Advocate for respite :)
  4. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hello. Welcome from me.
    You are not I repeat NOT the worst person in the world! Far from it!!!
    Your Mum needed the break and probably needed it desperately.
    I do hope your dad settles soon.

    I think would be a good idea to get a sample of his urine just incase Dad has developed a UTI (urinary tract infection), and it is this that is causing Dad to be the way he is.
    I was appalled at my Mums deteriation , luckily temporary, when she had her first uti
  5. wagg123

    wagg123 Registered User

    Aug 18, 2015
    Thank you everyone, Im not going round to mams today as we both think he and they need bit space. He seems calmer but keeps talking about "her"...i presume me ??? When we left the CH he hugged all the girls so i think he had quite a "good" if thats possible , relationship with them. Think it was just that fact he felt abandoned and was scared. Good to know its normal what Im feeling. My mam had a"nice" (sort of) week while was away. We did lots, she slept, we talked, we cried, we laughed . I know its done her good. I guess its only day 1. I just felt overwhelmed.. :9 thanks everyone it means alot xx ps. def gonna get a sample..great point x
  6. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006

    Love does come with a price of rollercoaster of emstions .

    Take care :)
  7. wagg123

    wagg123 Registered User

    Aug 18, 2015
    Violence & Aggression

    My home after respite thread seems a lifetime ago :(. Dads now in full time care but not settling at all. Its been 4 weeks but he's become so angry and aggressive towards anyone...everyone really. Pushes a Carer over, wont take meds. We are on rock bottom with grief. The care home doesnt look after EMI Nursing they say so if he doesnt calm down soon i think he'll have to leave. He has started morning and night time Risperetone ???? He also has Trazadone and a Lora...? something. He doesnt seem sleepy anymore after his meds and just seems in a permanent rage. Im terrified no where will have him. Im ring Dr again in morn to ask if this Resperetone tablet ??? has ever made anyone worse ??? Im sobbing, i wish he could just find peace x
  8. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    I feel for you and your poor dad
    going through very similar situation - meds seem to be helping, not sure ...
    so no 'advice' I'm afraid just recognition and sympathy
    hoping for that peace too
  9. CeliaThePoet

    CeliaThePoet Registered User

    Dec 7, 2013
    Buffalo, NY, USA
    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It may be that the next step is a mental health assessment. I'm not in the UK and am not sure of all the terminology, but many people on these boards have had a loved one sectioned, and sometimes it is the only way for the person to get the proper attention and medication sorting to allow the person to be helped in another environment. Try to hold on to yourself and know that it is not the end of the world if this comes around; in fact, it may be a game changer.

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