1. Amethyst59

    Amethyst59 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2017
    5,738
    Female
    Kent
    I’ve just come back from an ocean cruise with my husband, who has vascular dementia, and my sister came to give a helping hand! We have not considered river cruises, because of the stress of flying to the starting point. It was not a ‘holiday’ for me, in that I was on duty all the time (except when my lovely sister took over so I could have a swim, or a sleep!), but it was enjoyable for us all in that we got to see beautiful places. My husband was the same as @Duggies-girl ’s father, in that he was not relaxed enough to explore the places we stopped at. He likes to be within sight of the ship, and I was very limited in what I could do on board, as it had to be something my husband wanted to do, so I missed interesting talks and things...but it was about HIM taking a holiday, not me.
    Having said that, it was an easy way for us to take a holiday, and the company we travelled with specialises in holidays for the over 60’s so insurance is included.
     
  2. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,460
    I agree with that Amethyst I would not have flown with dad. We live in Kent so we went from Dover as it was easy. It was a lovely time but we won't go again as dad is not well enough. Before my mum became ill we had lots of holidays with mum and dad and they are wonderful memories.
     
  3. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    365
    Well not a good evening. I thought I'd made it clear to mum yesterday that although I liiked the idea of a cruise wth her I needed time to think it through before I agreed. I was more inclined to say yes than no at the time, but the more I thought about it and other much smaller things I've tried to do with mum lately such as go to the theatre, all of which have ended with her getting cross with me for various reasons, going away for a week just wouldn't work. I am not good at compassionate communication I guess.
    When I phoned to tell her she was already cross as a random neighbour wouldn't take down her rubbish so she'd left it outsdie their door :eek: and me saying that I wouldn't go with her led to a complete meltdown and her screaming at me that she was going to jump off her balcony etc etc. I got my brother to phone her to calm her down and I'll phone tomorrow and hopefully mend a few broken bridges.
     
  4. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,775
    N Ireland
    Hi @Sarasa, I hope you don't beat yourself up about that.

    Compassionate Communication is a blueprint for perfection. I think the best anyone can do is just try to comply and get use out of what we can from it - that's what I do anyway. If you ever get to 100% please let me know so that I can nominate you for sainthood. ;)
     
  5. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,460
    Oh dear but from what you have just said I think you have probably made the right decision it may have been a traumatic holiday for you both. She may have ended up going off the ships balcony if she got too cross with you.

    I am joking here, just in case.
     
  6. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    365
    The holiday idea has reared its head again. Mum has talked about it a few times since I vetoed going with her in the summer, but now she's gone and phoned the travel company to find out more about the cruise she fancies. Reading between the lines the company seemed aware that she couldn't go on her own. They asked her if she would be travelling with anyone else and when she said two younger ladies (aka me and my sister-in-law) they seemed to think that would be OK.
    I'm impressed that mum with her dodgy eyesight and general confusion managed to get the number and phone the company and have said to bring the brochure they are sending her at Christmas then the three of us can discuss it properly. When she is like she was when telling me about it, ditherery, but basically sweet I think we can manage. But last week I had various phone calls with her in a temper at me and the world in general and when she's like that it would be tricky indeed. I really don't want to disappoint her, but I'm far from sure it would work. I tried to persuade mum to go with SiL and I for a pamper weekend in a hotel. I thought that would be a good trial run to see if we could manage, but mum refused on the grounds that a 'hotel is not a holiday'. Oh well I guess we'll see how things go when we talk about it at Christmas
     
  7. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    365
    Holiday update. Went to see mum today and she was insistent about me booking the holiday for her. I was trying to put her off but after quick text flurry with my brother who convinced me it was OK went ahead and booked it. Then mum dropped her bombshell. After having told SiL and I she'd pay for us she is now saying she expects us to pay our way. SiL, who has the people skills I lack, tried discussing it with her tonight, but she thinks as we have husbands who look after us we'll be fine with stumping up the cash. Well no we won't. SiL is going to talk to the company tomorrow. Mum thinks she'll be fine going on her own if we don't go. Oh no she won't, apart from her memory and paranoia problems she is partially sighted, so I don't think any company would take her without a companion
    The whole thing is a pain.
     
  8. Philbo

    Philbo Registered User

    Feb 28, 2017
    626
    Male
    Kent
    Hi @Sarasa

    What a nightmare for you!:eek:

    Perhaps you (or your SiL) could tell your mum that you've both had some unexpected expenses crop up (car repair, house problem, etc) and will have to cancel your tickets?

    You could then say that the company is refusing to allow her to travel alone, due to changes in their policy (or some other excuse)?

    Not easy though.

    Good luck
    Phil
     
  9. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,361
    Female
    What are you planning to do - cancel the whole thing? I think that is the only answer. You mother can't make these decisions any more so I hope the holiday company are understanding about it. Six months ago you said you didn't believe she would be able to enjoy it, and from what you said in your other thread I think she may have deteriorated since then? She believes it is a realistic prospect, but it isn't. You're not being mean, you're being realistic.

    Maybe your SIL could focus her people skills on thinking of a way of explaining to her why the holiday can't happen. The explanation needs to be very simple and repeated the same way every time. She will struggle to accept it (or remember it) as logic no longer plays much part in her thinking - she wants to go and cannot see any reason why not.
     
  10. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    4,999
    Female
    Chester
    This is similar to forcing my mum to give up driving, she couldn't see any reason why not, and I just had to say it wasn't possible, and change the subject as fast as I could.

    With dementia they can't understand why they can't do things and get obsessed with them. My mum was quite sharp with me, about the driving which I knocked back equally sharply as I knew I had to stand my ground, and she could see I wasn't going to budge so accepted the change of conversation. It isn't pleasant, but then what is with dementia.

    I think Philbo's suggestions might work, if she can comprehend the expenses that is. Based on y our earlier posts above, if she has a few bad days the whole thing would be very difficult even if both of you went, and I really think you need to try and wriggle out of it.
     
  11. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    365
    Mum phoned just now wanting to know when I was going to pay for my share of the holiday. I put her off by saying that until the cabins had been confirmed nothing had gone out of her account. SiL spoke to the company today but only reservations staff were on duty so she's going to phone again tomorrow when she can talk to someone who knows more. She is now going to take the lead on sorting this mess out. Apart from her people skills she can actually hear. Using phones are a nightmare for me with my hearing loss, so it's much better for her to do this
    I tried having an adult conversation with mum yesterday (Useless I know) explaining that I'd be happy to book the holiday but I really wanted her to think hard about it seeing how hard she'd found Christmas away and that a cruise would be much more difficult to cope with. According to her she had a lovely Christmas and everything was fine. She doesn't remember the screaming about us all freezing her deliberately then.
    I wish I'd just walked out yesterday when mum got stroppy. :(
     
  12. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,018
    Toronto, Canada
    I think you'll have to take a stand with your mother, as very hard as that will be. It sounds impossible to me that she goes on her own, and if she is not willing to pay for your SIL and you, she cannot go. I realize your mother must have a very strong personality but you will have to stonewall her on this. You seem to be the first to call to try and make amends, why not take a break from contacting her for a few days?

    I hope your SIL is successful in cancelling everything.

    Is it possible to scratch off the security number on the back of her credit card, just in case she can read it?
     
  13. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,361
    Female
    I think you do have to walk out in those situations - as @jugglingmum says, be firm and cut the conversation short. Her reality is completely different to yours. She genuinely believes she can go on this holiday, and you won't be able to reason her out of it. If possible it would as Philbo says be a good idea to blame someonelse - the holiday company, the insurers, her medical condition/doctors - so you aren't seen as blocking her from doing it.

    Good idea to get SIL to sort it out with the holiday company.
     
  14. Midow

    Midow Registered User

    Jun 13, 2017
    38
    Wales
    Perhaps point out to her that she would be paying for two people anyway, thanks to the single supplement if she travelled alone.
     
  15. Sarasa

    Sarasa Registered User

    Apr 13, 2018
    365
    Well after lots of phone calls between brother, sister-in-law, travel company and me we are going on this cruise. I still think its 50/50 whether we actually get there or not but I've decided to be as positive as I can about the whole thing. Reading a lot of advice on here about how our loved ones with dementia reflect our moods I've made a resolution to be as positive and smiley as I can be with mum this year.
     
  16. Kamakazi

    Kamakazi New member

    Jan 11, 2019
    4
    I think you should be truthful and explain to your mother that she needs someone to take care of her as she's not as well as she used to be. And that person is you and how it can sometimes be difficult and hard work. You may be surprised how much she will understand where youryo coming from.
     

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