holidays and nobody to share them with

[chana]

my mom died 7 months ago. my dad died 18 years ago. i have my husband for the holidays. thats great, but my children are grown and have their own lives. i have no family left, except for them. the 4 of us are close, but i remember all the holidays when i was young and everyone was there. you couldnt get a word in. nobody knew what anyone was saying because they all spoke at once. my dad was the quiet one. he knew it was useless to even try to say anything. nobody heard him anyway. not its so quiet. all these people are gone.its too quiet. i think we all miss our parents on the big holidays and birthdays, etc., but life does go on. my mom taught me to be strong, but somehow i dont feel too stronmg today. maybe ill feel stronger tomorrow. i miss the phones ringing off the hook, i miss everyone yelling what they wanted to eat and what they didnt-it was a madhouse. i miss it all. i took it for granted when i had it. i wish i didnt, but i think we all do. then , all of a sudden its gone.all these great relatives gone.i remember so many things--the spilling of the juice all over everything, the soups nobody wanted to eat because it was too hot., the food nobody liked, --just the fun of being together. this is the 1st year without my mom and its hard.she was some cook in her day. i learned from her., but i could never get the hang of baking --even now. my mom cooked, cleaned up---she never let anyone do anything. she never wanted her children to wait on her. she did it all. i even remember when a whole carton of orange juice was spilled because it was forgotten to be closed properly. it spilled all over my mom.she cleaned everything up and said LETS NOT SPOIL THE HOLIDAY. ITS OK NOW . how i wish it could all come back, but life goes on. i realize those days are gone forever.i guess its getting to me because easter is coming.its so quiet.nobody will spill anything. people wont all be screaming all at once. the phones are quiet. --too quiet.the soups wont be there to complain about. how i wish i appreciated it more. i just took it for granted and thought it would go on forever. i tell my children never to take anything for granted--to appreciate every little thing--even if they think its a small thing because it just doesnt go on forever. 1 day it ends and its quiet like now.

 

[garnuft]

Would it be possible for you to meet with a counsellor Chana?
Someone to talk with about the grief you feel, it's obvious you feel utter pain at the loss of your Mum.

There are also online Forums, one of the members here plays a big part in it, where people who are bereaved are able to help and support each other.

Of course we are all always here on Talking Point too, whenever you need to talk.

I know how hard it is to live with the death of someone you loved.
I know how long it can take to learn how to cope with the feeling of loss.

I feel so sad when I read your posts, they are grief-stricken.

If it's any help to you, I can tell you that for me, it was my daughter who died, eventually, it took a long time but eventually the pain eased.

Each day the wound felt less raw.
It never heals but I found a way.
I never thought I would so I understand your pain.

One day I felt more able to cope, more able to move forward, less afraid.

I hope you are able to find some peace too, in the meantime, it is OK to feel the pain and miss your Mum.
I think she would want you to feel some happiness again though and I sincerely hope happiness returns to your life.
Don't despair, your Mum and Dad made a strong daughter, you will find that strength again.
Much Love,
Gwen XXX

 

[chana]

im very sorry to hear about your daughter. i have 2 children,so i can just imagine your grief. but i must tell you this--i do not believe in seeing a counselor to discuss my grief. when my dad died, my mom was told the same thing. she didnt want to go either. i told her-- GRIEF HAS NO TIMELINE. WE ALL GRIEVE IN OUR OWN WAY IN OUR OWN TIME. she said to me HOW DID YOU GET SO SMART? i told her I HAD THE BEST TEACHER. my mom grieved in her time and eventually made friends with other widows in her neighborhood.she had a busy life. she was always there for me and my children too.i have a busy life. i am a retired english teacher and i was in the middle of writing a book. that was always my dream--to have a published book. i did all the research and unfortunately i needed 2 operations on my hands.i cant finish the book. it was my final gift to my mom. so i have a half novel that my son wants.youre right when you say im sad. i am.i had great parents. however, life does go on and its only 7 months. i keep busy from morning till night. i have my kids and i have a great husband., but a mom is a mom.im going thru eye surgeries now and i think of how she would call thousands of times , wishing me good luck because , as she put it.it never hurts. she always told me im 1 strong, but skinny lady. she was right. i have my moments, but i always come back to myself. this was a difficult year in other ways too-my husband lost 1 eye from a retinal detachment.that was a trauma for him, as you can imagine. hes afraid of so many things, as a result, so im there holding his hand and hes holding mine.he fell the other day. he has double vision in the supposedly good eye and nothing can be done. its too dangerous. i have to be strong. so if i cry once in awhile, its ok. i get my feelings out. ive been thru so much in my life. life is not easy. we all know that. i handle things myself. i always did because i always believed my mom when she said i was a tough lady. if i werent i wouldnt be writing now.she raised me that way.she used to tell me shed never worry about me. so --sure --im sad--i miss what i had, but i also realize how lucky i was to have it.