1. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Not looking good. Ron today, well he has been asleep.
    I don't know. Good day's, but now mostly bad day's.
    I do not know what to do.
    I want to go on holiday, god know's, I need a holiday. But, deep down, I know it is not a good idea.
    I want to scream, it is so unfair. He is a wonderful man, a gentleman.
    I think it is because I am afraid, that I will not be able to cope. I do not want him to pee pee the bed in the hotel. Or do I say sod them all.
    And, I am so tired, short tempered, so would I cope.
    It is the last chance we have to go away. I should seize the day and go, it is a lot of money to spend in your hotel room, watching Ron sleep.
    I am not thinking of me. I am thinking of Ron. When I ask him does he want to go, and does he think he can cope - well, he tell's me we will see when we get there. Not a good enough answer. We are not rich, and the money could be spent elsewhere, not spent in a hotel, miles away from home.
    Moaning Minnie
    alias
    BarbX
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Barb

    It is a wonderful idea to consider a last holiday abroad, but there will always come a time when one thinks - "is this best for Ron [or in my case, Jan]?"

    There is no shame in deciding for both people it is a nice idea, but something that might be a practical nightmare.

    Only you can make the decision.

    Yes, money does come into it, but more than that, would it do Ron good to go - or would it stress him. Would it do you good to go - other than to be able to say "well I tried"? Would it cause you major stress.

    Maybe a holiday in this country might work instead - that way you could easily get home early, and if you were worried about the bed, you could take a special sheet.

    Good luck in making your decision.
     
  3. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Barb

    I can't answer your question, or even advise, as I don't know either of you, but I'll tell you of our experiences.

    John and I packed in as many holidays as possible, for as long as possible. We liked cruising, because that way we got to see as many places as possible, without the hassle of packing and unpacking.

    We had some fabulous holidays, and I have some lovely memories, and photographs. All went well, though John became more and more dependent, and latterly I couldn't let him out of my sight.

    On the last cruise, almost two years ago, there was a virus on the ship, and unfortunately John caught it. It was unimaginably awful, cooped up in a tiny cabin, vomiting, diarrhoea --- :eek::(:eek:

    After that we didn't go abroad any more. I booked cottages in nice areas of this country, and they worked fine. I made sure there was a washing machine, and I took kylie sheets in case of accident. We ate out most of the time, or bought ready meals, and we had a great time.

    I blame that virus for John's rapid decline. I was warned at the time that it might become chronic, and I think that's the source of John's repeated infections. Can't prove it, though!

    So only you can decide where Ron is in this saga, and whether you can risk it.

    Love,
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Great minds, Bruce!:)
     
  5. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Thank's Bruce

    As alway's your comment's are very helpful.
    I shall sleep on it for now. All though it must be jealous thought's, mum went away today with my brother to Gozo, he and his wife are to start a new life there. Two year's ago, we, Ron and I would have gone with them. God, I sound selfish, but I miss the freedom Ron and I had. I like so many other's who have worked all their lives, well we looked forward to our retirement, we could do all the thing's we had planned.
    Oh, what to do ?
    It is like I am asking premission from you all, and I want the majority to say go - yes go on holiday. Then if it all goes pear shaped, I can blame you all, not me.
    Coward, that about sum's me up at the moment.
    Barb:eek:
     
  6. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Barb & Ron,
    You are not a coward, nor being selfish. The decision for family holidays abroad was taken out of my hands by the Consultant.
    How about a plan 'B' for a holiday in this country.
    There are many places that cater for every need.
    Go to Travel Agents, even ask Alzheimer's Branch, Help the Aged.
    God Bless
    Love from
    Christine xxxx
     
  7. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,871
    Kent
    Hello Barb

    I really don`t know the full extent of Ron`s condition so it would be unfair to give you any advice.

    I only know about Dhiren. At this stage in his condition, even if we could get insurance, I would hate it if we spent the best part of a holiday stuck in a hotel. And I`m afraid that is how I think it would be.

    Do you feel Ron has the stamina to go out and about on holiday?

    Love xx
     
  8. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    I'm afraid it's not that kind of forum, Barb!

    All we can offer are our experiences, it has to be your decision.

    You're not a coward, and I completely understand your wish to go away. I get holiday brochures through the post nearly every day, and there are so many holidays I'd love to do.

    But not at the moment!

    Love,
     
  9. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    You are both right

    Hazel, thank you as alway's. Good sound advice.
    MOT on Ron not untill Friday 9th May, they had to cancel for this week (his doctor has been ill) need to see this doctor as he know's all about Ron.
    I want to go, it could be many year's that I can go away again, yes it sound's selfish, it is not. I would never go on holiday in this country again, rotton hotel's, bad service, bad food, bad cafe's bad self catering, no way. We might as well sit in our garden, and wait for the sun to shine (some hope)
    That is why we go to Cyprus - sunshine, and lot's of it, it lift's the spirit's, good greek food, Ron loves that, as do I.
    And, unlike this country, nice smillie people.
    BarbX:)
     
  10. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Ron's condition

    Well, where to start.
    Bruce suggested I start a journal. This I have started today.
    Ron was told he had Parkinson's about 12/ 13 year's ago, small shaking in one hand.
    Put on Modopar, seen again 6 month's later. Had been on the same dose up untill three month's ago. Went every six month's to see the CONSULTANT --RUBBISH. He saw young doctor's. Anyway, another story.
    The tablet's cause Ron to see thing's that are not there, so I, with advice reduced the pill's. He did not have as many nighttime terror's. And, now, very, very few.
    I first noticed the big decline last September, we were on holiday in Cyprus, he woke from his afternoon sleep - he did not know me. He thought I was his sister, well that is wrong, I woke him, he seemed confused, I asked him, who am I ? he called me Jean (his sister). It took him a while to come round.
    He has no empathy, he did before. No feeling that he has done anything wrong, even when getting his poo everywhere, and pee. He does not do his horse betting anymore, did a couple of pound's each week. Does not do the lottery, does not read the paper's. Does not do antthing unless pushed by me. Does not shave, I do it. Cannot put his few dentures in, he tries, but they are upside down. Ask's me if he is sat on the toilet correctly. Cannot shower himself, or dress./ Always tries to put two les's down the same leg. he is now asleep again.
    He got up today at 9am. Had brekfast, and was back asleep at 10-30am, woke at 12-30pm, had lunch, sleep again. I took Ron out this PM just for a drive, he fell asleep in the car. Came home, made a cup of tea, he fell asleep untill dinner, had the lot. And now asleep again.
    Need I say more.
    Signing off
    Tired, worn out, and not a happy person
    Barb New's at ten Cheshire.:)
     
  11. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Evening Barb

    I can really understand what you mean about the dilemma about the holiday even though Alan is physically fit so I don't have those extra worries that you have. I originally decided I needed a holiday (Alan never wanted holidays). I knew that I needed a break (not necessarily from the illness) but from work, responsibility, English weather. Because Alan didn't originally want to come I made arrangements to go with my sister and Alan thought he could cope by himself. I knew that he couldn't and this is where we began a new journey. I knew I had to organise care for him at home and so I began asking for help. I started with the GP and she was very supportive. I contacted the Alzheimers Society and the lady who visited us was brilliant and helped me source help. This process highlighted to Alan the reality of how life would be if I wasn't here and this was a painful process for him and me. It certainly made me aware of just how much Alan's good living is down to me. I never knew how much I prompted him to do things. I didn't realise that without me he wouldn't wash, eat, do anything.

    To cut a very long story short, Alan is now coming on holiday with me and he is looking forward to it but I have quite a few times of wondering just what sort of holiday it is going to be. How will be cope in a completely different environment (he's never been abroad)? How will I cope because I know I will have to be with him all the time. At least at home I have quite a bit of freedom without worry. Then there's me too away from the things that make me feel secure coping with this illness. I can leave Alan for an hour and go swimming. He is very comfortable with this. I can use the computer and Talking Point and feel supported. I think there is just enough possibility of it being o.k. - that is what keeps me going. Only you know whether for you and Ron there is just enough possibility of you getting something of what you need. I, like you, can't afford to waste the money and I also can't afford massive amounts of extra stress.

    Wishing you all the best Barb in coming to a very difficult decision.

    Love Helen
     
  12. hendy

    hendy Registered User

    Feb 20, 2008
    506
    West Yorkshire
    Dear Barb
    When you put it like that, Cyprus does sound fab. But I do sympathise, holidays can be very stressful, and that doesnt mix with dementia! I suppose you will have to go by what the doctor says?
    take care
    hendy
     
  13. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,871
    Kent
    I don`t want to hurt you Barb, but what would he do on holiday? I presume he would follow the same routine, so would it be worth spending a lot of money just to have a change of scenery for more of the same.
    I don`t know about you, but I would prefer to be `inconvenienced` at home.
    Our last holiday was March 2007. Dhiren found it difficult to be ready in time for trips out. Was tired early in the evening and wanted to go to bed. I couldn`t leave him alone, in case he woke and was confused, so spent most evenings in our room.
     
  14. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Dear Barb,

    You sould so like me a couple of years ago. I felt completely trapped!! I loved Ken, wanted to be with him, but couldn't go anywhere or do anything which I wanted to do. AND I felt terrible for thinking the way I did which in turn, wore me down yet more.

    ~You are very tired from having been a full time, hands on carer. You are not selfish, or callous or anything else. You are just plain tired out!!

    This is only a suggestion and as such it is offered in the most well meaning way and as a previous post pointed out I do not know your situation well enough to offer advice, only suggestions which may/may not help you. Have you thought about respite care? I know that it is against your natural instincts to battle on without any help and that Ron may not have a particularly good time in respite, but by doing this, you may get to be able to stay together for longer. By the sounds of things you desperately need a break from the 24/7 responsibility.

    Could you bear to go to visit your friends abroad and let Ron go into respite? Or at least have a couple of days away just to give yourself a break?

    As I say, I've been in the place you are at and there are no right or wrong descisions - only ones which you feel are best for you. Take care of yourself and I send you a big, big hug.

    xx TinaT
     
  15. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Bless you all

    I am crying as I write this.
    I cannot let go of my Ron.
    I could not go away without him, not while he is here.
    But it is like being condemed, to a life I do not want.
    I am only 60 going on 45.
    And, he is 84 on the 15th of May, and look's 65, and good looking.
    This ****** thing he has got, how dare it come into our life. Or anyone's.
    Barb:mad:
     
  16. CYN

    CYN Registered User

    Jan 4, 2008
    702
    east sussex
    Barb.
    My Ron went into respite for a week while i went to Spain to stay with some old friends. This was after we had to stop our usual holidays as he was lost in Melbourne for 2 hours after he was stuck on a tram when the doors closed on him as he shuffled to get off. On a later holiday he got lost in Venice and that was a nightmare, with our cruise ship about to leave.

    Like you i was in need of some respite myself as the sole carer.
    I believe Ron had a lovely time at the home in Eastbourne where there was entertainment each day as it was also a day care centre.

    It was of course sad that he was not with me but my friends looked after me and we talked about the days when we all went on holidays together.

    See if you can get him into respite just for a trial weekend.

    I do think you need to recharge your batteries.

    Cynthia x x
     
  17. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    #17 citybythesea, May 1, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2008
    Rainbows do exist....

    My son sent this to me from his phone. He's in the navy and sometimes runs across a pic he knows I need......I think you need it to.

    I think you need a vacation and if you need to tak e Ron with you why not take family with you to help out.....Surely someone wants to spend cherished time with both of you. I wish I could post more pics of last years trips with mom..you would see what I mean. I took 2 kids and mom cross country last year...I have pics of the kids and Grandma in tow chasing each other...(Mom was in a wheeelchair)...I also have one of my daughter pusher her...and then there are those of her with her grandson in December......if you will it there will be a way, just don't put yourself out trying to figure it out....

    [Moderator note from Brucie: I have reduced the size of your picture as the original was so wide that it may have caused problems for members in seeing all of it.]
     

    Attached Files:

  18. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    - that is why I suggested that Barb takes Ron within the UK.

    The US is such a vast and varied country that it is possible to see so much without ever venturing out of the borders.

    In Europe, and outside the UK borders generally, it can just add a further layer of complication to a holiday with someone who has dementia.

    As a clincher, I would always ask myself "will this cause more confusion than pleasure for my loved one?"

    Let's all look for rainbows! :)

    rainbow in April.jpg

    Here is one two days ago, behind the house.
     
  19. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    Brucie

    Thank you for fixing my rainbow! I have been trying to figure out how to resize some other pics too! I love your rainbow also..

    Going on holidays after AD has set in can be hard. Like you I agree with stayin within borders if it is only the two...taking a flight (going thru the airport theses days) could be quite frustratin for them.

    With the US being so big our trip was long but I only went by car because we had done the airport thing. (Moms wheelchair had to be examined by authorities and tho she just sat quietly with me by her side you could see that she was a little nervous.

    I really don't recommend you taking a holiday with just the 2 of you as sometimes accidents happen. The worst case scenario happened to a friend of mine. She took her husband to Cancun Mexico and tho he could get around on his own he got confused easily. Well, she had a heart attack and died quite suddenly down there and he couldn't tell dr's anything. The hotel was nice enough to give authorities her home address where they sent that to the US embassy and they took over. It took almost a week to get both home and he was quite frustrated and in the dark. I'm not trying to scare anyone but a vacation has to be thought thru and 2 just doesn't cut it when one has AD. Even when 1 is quite younger..your AD patient needs a backup as do you!
     
  20. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Dear Barb,

    I'm not posting much at the moment because of family problems..but I am reading posts..and replying only when I feel moved to reply..or that I can perhaps offer some support.

    Like you Eric and I loved our holidays abroad..

    Eric is not as as far down the line as Ron..but I would not take him abroad now.
    I, too, need a holiday..taking Eric abroad would not be a holiday for me..and Eric would not cope with the stress of air travel..(We flew up to Scotland last year to visit friends..not easy)
    Holidays should be holidays..it's causing you extra stress to consider it..so let it go..
    Perhaps you could consider something more realistic and less stressful..
    Sorry Barb..I really do empathise..and am having the same struggle myself..but I will not take Eric on a holiday that creates more stress for me..
    What's the point?
    I have to come back to 24 hour caring..as you will.

    Am sure that there have been posts on here that advise about holiday places for carers and dementia sufferers..would you not consider something like that,which may give you a break too..

    Lots of love gigi xx
     

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