1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. FamilyB

    FamilyB Registered User

    Jul 18, 2007
    2
    Scotland
    Hello, This is my first time on this forum as have just started looking for help on the web today.
    My husbands dad is 57 and has early onset alzheimers. His mum is getting really depressed about everything and how their life is changing and how all their plans are going to pot.
    They live at the opposite end of the country to us and she has talked quite a lot about getting a small house near us so they can come and stay whenever they like to see their grandchildren. A small house 2-doors away is coming up for sale and it all seems perfect, except now they're saying they may not bother. The thing is, I'm sure his mum would love to get the house but it's his father who's resisting. It's nothing finanical but he seems reluctant to experience change. Is this something that's common in people with alzheimer's? We don't want to force him to do things he doesn't want but we know it would be a massive relief for his mum to have an escape and somewhere she could come when they need a break. With a new business and baby we can't fly down to theirs very often but they have all the time in the world to come up here and they love taking their grandchildren out for walks. They stayed with us for 3 weeks last month and are coming up for another week soon, but it gets a bit cramped in our small house.
    We really want to help them but aren't sure of the best way to do it. If anyone has any thoughts we'd really appreciate them.
    Thanks.
    Cath
     
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hello Cath, warm welcome to TP.

    Cannot really help with your enquiry re: holiday homes near family.

    Sounds an absolutely good idea in principle, providing finances are secure.

    The negative is, as you state, dad now does not want this. He may feel overwhelmed, insecure, or just not want change. He is still very young, and may be still trying to stay in control of his own life.

    I know this is having an impact on his wife (unfortunately this illness does), and maybe he will change his mind, but he is not alone in thinking this way.

    Do keep us informed how things go.
     
  3. annesharlie

    annesharlie Registered User

    Just to fill in a bit of background before I put in my two cents worth. I am 45 and my husband of 52 has dementia. I have found over the last couple of years, I've had to slowly take over every aspect of running the household and I now have to make every decision, Ron is not interested/capable. Your mother-in-law will be in a similar position, she'll have to take over as the disease worsens. I think you should talk with her, and assess exactly what her feelings are. If she really wants to get the house, she should ( if they can afford it, if she feels able to take him there by herself) As a woman in the same position ( though no grandchildren) I am realizing more and more how important family is at this time, and I think it's a fantastic idea - in the long term it will mean they are nearer at hand, and she would hopefully be able to leave her husband with you for an afternoon or evening and have some time off, and the children would have more of a memory of their grandfather, and also she'd have a happier time in years to come. I think she should just go for it - even if it means putting the house only in her name - she is going to have to become strong and determined and make decisions on her own anyway. He may be unsettled and angry initially but it would be better in the long run.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,577
    Kent
    Dear Cath.
    Welcome to TP.

    I agree with everything annesharlie says. Your mother-in-law will be left picking up the pieces if she allows your father-in-law to make all the decisions.

    She will be very isolated in time to come, and the thought of a littlle holiday home near her son, DIL and grandchildren will be very comforting.

    She just needs to find some reassuring words of encouragement to convince your FIL it would be a good idea.

    Another plus for owning their own home near you, is as your FIL`s condition progresses, he will appreciate the peace and quiet of his own home, rather than staying at your home, with a young family, and all the hustle and bustle that goes with it.
     
  5. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Your MIL needs to get POA for no other reason than she will need it. Or maybe your husband could have POA. Oh, any brothers / sisters ? It is great that you want to help, and being just 2 doors you will be helping.
    Just as long as you realise what you are taking on with your new business and baby. Also being nearer takes the worry away that you can see
    and help with organising of day 2 day living. Does your FIL need convincing what a beautiful part of the UK you live in. Maybe he is concerned
    about the weather, :) but if he has an inkling of what is happening to himself, - he may not of spoken to anyone about it - he will be frightened and
    confussed. Try to reassure him I guess. Is MIL in good health ? Could the move be "based" on MIL health and help ?
    These views are mine and are not meant to offend, just offer my thoughts.
    best wishes cris
     
  6. FamilyB

    FamilyB Registered User

    Jul 18, 2007
    2
    Scotland
    Thank you

    Thank you everyone for posting such helpful replies.
    I was worried I hadn't phrased my message right but you do seem to have understood what I was getting at! Basically we just want to be able to help and we were thinking that if my FIL gets a little bit used to coming up and staying nearby then as his condition worsens, at least there's an established routine and he stands more chance of being happy on the 'holidays' up here.
    I think my MIL is worried about burdening her son and his new family, but we just want to help and family is so important isn't it! It's no-ones fault that he's got dementia, and we don't want my MIL to lose out on enjying her life because she takes the full burden of responsibility on. Every little helps and I think if she knew she had a break once a month near us, then I think it would help her cope the rest of the time.
    So now we just need to convince them that we should be allowed to help and that it's ok for grown-up children to help out! No small feat but we shall get to work on it! Thanks again for your thoughts. Cath
     
  7. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    :) I'm sure she is already aware of it, but you are SUCH a blessing to your MIL!! What a lovely person you must be! Everything you've said in your most recent post resonated with me - I just wanted you to know that , if I was your MIL, I would treasure you!! I'm sure your REAL MIL does!! :)
     

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