1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,578
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    I know this is common, but just wondered how to deal with this with Mum.

    Mum was always the one that handled all the money and bills, now I have taken over.
    Dad in short cannot be trusted to do so, as he gambles given half the chance.
    Mum still has her ATM card, Dad has never had one.

    Every week I get out spending money each for Mum & Dad.
    With Mum as she has lost money before, I generally give her half and keep half. If she doesn't need the other half I put it in to a separate bank account for her.
    I didn't realise how little Mum was spending as she has been stashing the odd note aside, and told me she had GBP100 hidden away.
    Hidden in case I wasn't here one day and she wanted to go out and buy somthing.
    What? I don't know.

    I managed to get her to tell me that she hid money in her drawer and in pockets of her jacket in the wardrobe.
    Yesterday after being out with my sister she came home, wen through her room and said her money had gone and couldn't find it.
    A good search found her money rolled up in a pair of knickers in her drawer :rolleyes:

    I can't get through to Mum of course thats its not safe to keep money hidden and is better in her bank account, but she keeps going on about what if I'm not here and she wants to buy something.
    Now when I give her just half of her money , she gets rather put out that Dad is getting all his money and not her, and why am I doing this as its not fair.

    She is still a little bit savvy when it comes to money, when it comes to prices and change, the notes etc Any suggestions?
     
  2. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    my mother keeps money in the house because she does pay hairdresser, gardener but I try and limit her
     
  3. balloo

    balloo Registered User

    Sep 21, 2013
    227
    northamptonshire
    sorry no advise but after my MIL came to live with us and we cleared her house we found loads of envelopes with hundreds of pounds in just in a draw of writing paper
     
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,860
    Female
    Scotland
    I check my husband's wallet and coin purse every other day and top them up. If I gave him more than he spends on papers and his day care lunch he would hide it and then tell me he has no money!

    Just do what you feel is best.
     
  5. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    441
    Their generation seem to have a distrust of banks. When my FIL who did not have dementia died we found money totalling £2100 tucked away in weird places all over the house, including behind the immersion heater, inside books and in the hem of my MIL's maternity coat (over 50 years old!)

    My mother who has moderate dementia also hides money away all round the house. I have reduced her weekly spending money as I pay all her bills, and every so often when I find it take some back to the bank.
     
  6. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    oops I have money for emergency hidden away....or is it my me time shoe money
     
  7. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    #7 Essie, May 5, 2015
    Last edited: May 5, 2015
    Shoes and me time Patsy definitely! :D


    Linbrusco - my Mum did the same and reasoning just doesn't work - is it possible for you to have a good but surreptitious check once week and just leave Mum with a few notes somewhere she's already using as a hiding place just so she feels she is still in control but without there being an ever growing sum being hidden away? I think money is one of the 'big things' that people really bother about - I suppose it represents independence when they may be aware that that is slipping away. You may find that this is something that is only an issue for a time and your Mum will lose the obsession/need after a while.
     
  8. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    222
    My Mum used to hide her money and lots of it. When I found it in envelopes, jam jars and hidden in drawers I told her I would put it back in the Bank. She was agreeable to this, but said she really needed it in case' that man up the road' wanted some. Thankfully, the money issue seems to have passed and she is happy that I give her money when she gets low. I have her Bank card so she cannot get access to a lot and her other account is at a sensible level just in case she is watched at the cash point as she is so trusting.
     
  9. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    222
    Oh and I would add that I also hide money - its my rainy day fund :D
     
  10. jen54

    jen54 Registered User

    May 20, 2014
    235
    trouble is we all hide money! and in fact hide away all sorts in places we think we will remember and that no one will steal things if someone breaks in LOL-I have some just in case I need cash, and I have hidden things before now in a place I thought safe from theft-only to forget, unfortunately with dementia, the act of retracing and working out where something could be is lost, mum doesn't even recall she hid this or that- mum puts things where she thinks they are safe, and it is logical at the time she does it-only she then forgets she his money, or infact anything. I make sure I check all pockets or places stuff can be hidden if mum gives me any of dads stuff for charity- we still haven't found his wallet from a year ago, when mum obviously took it off the bedside table where I new it was- and hid it so no one at the funeral would take it LOL..luckily it only had his cards in, which I cancelled at the time anyhow
     
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,586
    Kent
    It`s a security thing.

    My husband always managed our finances and when he became unable to do so developed a need to have cash in hand `just in case`.

    My mother was the same. She was a business woman who also was used to handling cash. It was security for her too, especially as she lost ability to deal with the bank.

    My husband counted his money over and over again and the notes became dog-eared. When he slept I would exchange the dirty used notes for cleaner ones.
     
  12. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,578
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Thanks all.
    I suppose this is all made worse by the fact that I work for a bank :D

    I said to Mum today about leaving her money lying around at home.
    She says ' But I don't leave it lying around, I hide it"

    apparently she wants to buy herself a new jumper, this is despite having many new clothes in her wardrobe which she doesn't wear :rolleyes:
     
  13. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    Oh no and I thought it was only my mum who did this. She keeps saying she is keeping for when she goes in a home. I did try to get her into the place near me she refused....
     
  14. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    1,578
    Female
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    Just an update.
    I managed to convince Mum to give me her money. Equivalent to GBP100.
    I'm taking her out shopping today as she has a thing about buying a new jumper :rolleyes:

    I only hope she remembers giving me the money. I did tell my sister though.
    Any thoughts of should I keep the money in case Mum does forget... And accuses me or Dad of stealing her money, or thinks she has lost it?
     
  15. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    840
    Fife Scotland
    Please not pink jumper, that is all my mother wants is pink.........but the money factor, give her the money you keep the receipt, that way you can tally up.
     
  16. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    1,111
    I think its a very difficult thing looking after someone elses money. When my dad was in hospital prior to his death (he didn't have dementia but was housebound) I discovered an envelope with quite a lot of money in it. My mum had been going to the bank every week and topping this fund up - on his request. I think he always worried he might need some money. I hid this money away (he died in November) and helped my mum by making sure she went shopping she always had enough money in her purse. Her shopping is very routine - and she goes to the same shops and buys the same things, so can cope with this. This has worked well - as she trusts me. She has problems when it comes to bills/ etc. as my dad dealt with all of that. I have written down every amount of money I removed from the fund for her.
    Due to direct debits/ cheques and dealing with some of the money in my dads name - I have exorcised my POA to have a cheque book and ATM card. My mums accounts are now on my online banking - so I can see what she is doing (she still has an ATM card and amazingly remembers the number). she doesn't spend much and refuses to buy any new clothes (even though her current ones are too big for her). She was always very good with money if not a bit obsessive - and collects shiny money and has other coins all over the place in different money boxes. But unfortunately is no longer able to tally up as she always did.
    Now the money I found is almost gone, so I have used her card yesterday to withdraw money to put in the same place at her house and use it in the same way. I am making sure I keep a record of every transaction. Its weird though as she is not aware I have access to her bank account and I feel it would serve no purpose in telling her. My sister is in agreement with what I am doing - but it does feel a massive responsibility - someone elses finances!
     

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