Hi

[mollie1]

Hi all has any one had experience of this:-
after my Dad doing all the caring for my Mum (refusing outside help) eventually broke down and very reluctantly arranged for us to arrange a respite bed at Nursing Home however since admission, now several weeks, he has taken a complete U turn and now seems to be unwilling or unable to do any caring or reluctant to have her home again. Whilst her bed is safe and can be perminant my sister and I find it differcult to understand, he wont even visit on his own.Any views? Mollie

 

[Mameeskye]

HI Mollie

It could be that you Dad is very tired and very depressed and with the caring for your Mum weight lifted from on his shoulders he is dealing with loads of emotions, feelings and thoughts that up until now he has not had time to feel.

He may also feel that he has let your Mum down, but realises that he is now unable to care for her and that the care home are doing a good job, but he cannot cope with the guilt that this may be giving him.

He may even be starting to grieve and me frightened that this shows to your Mum when he visits.

He may also have had to deal with a lot of scary stuff that can emerge as a loved one slips into dementia and be questioning his relationship with your Mum as things become out of kilter and strange. I know that this happened to Mum and I until I knew that I could blame the illness. I wondered if I had really known and be loved by my Mum becuase of things said and done as the illness took hold.

It is very difficult to understand a person and what can happen when a huge strain is upon them. You have probably tried talking to your Dad but it may be that he does not know yet truly how he feels. I would let him know that you are there for him when he wants to talk and support his decisions so he feels that he is not letting you down.

It is so hard when you are dealing with your own grief and I know that the men in my life have a habit of shutting you out rather than talking when the going gets tough as they are frightened of breaking down.

Hopefully some of the others may have some bright ideas as to how to help him.

(((((hugs)))

 

[BeckyJan]

I would let him know that you are there for him when he wants to talk and support his decisions so he feels that he is not letting you down.

Mollie:

I think this is very good advice from Mameeskye. I guess your Dad is still grieving. He has 'lost' your Mum but also finding some freedom in his own life. I just cannot imagine how that feels and sadly I suspect I may understand sometime in the future.

Just let him know you love him and care and understand, even when he is not talking about it. I suggest you or your sister visit with him when you can and just take the rest as it comes. (I am not sure how much your Mum understands so I suppose that makes some difference too - how much do you need to reassure her as well!!??).

Try not to worry too much - at least you have the reassurance of a permanent place for your Mum.

Jan

 

[gigi]

Hello Mollie,

Mammeeskye has said a lot there which makes sense!

There are lots of reasons why your dad could be behaving the way he is-but the fact remains he is.

he wont even visit on his own

I think that speaks volumes...he needs support here. Am assuming your mum is well cared for where she is so you don't have to worry about her from that point of view. Your dad has obviously done a lot of caring and could be doubting his ability to take it back on board. I suggest treating him gently,supporting him in visits to mum and give him as much time as he needs. Don't try to understand- just be there.

You don't mention how old your parents are..

Do keep in touch and talk any time..there's lots of support here

Love Gigi x

 

[CraigC]

Hi Mollie,

my experience has been that many carers go it alone for so long that when they do get help they realise how much they were doing and how difficult it is to cope. It sounds like your father coped for a long time and perhaps beyond a threshold. Whatever the outcome, it also sounds like a cry for help - being a close son of a proud mother it took me a while to pick up those cries for help by the way.

The visiting issue also sounds similar to our experience. Mum found it hard to visit dad outside of the home environment where she had cared for him so closely. It was a kind of emotional denial of the situation and all too much. She really needed family support during visits. It just may be too much of a contrast at present.

Very few carers get the emotional support that they need to deal with these dreadful feelings.

Not knowing too much about the situation it is hard to draw conclusions, but it does sound like a cry for help and that you father is finding it all emotionally difficult to deal with (understandbly). Try and talk to him about it if you can - I appreciate that may not be easy.

Good luck and kind regards
Craig

 

[Skye]

Dear Mollie

Lots of good advice here, and there's not a lot to add.

My husband has recently gone into care, and I found it very upsetting.

Your father needs a lot of support just now. I think you should arrange for your mum to stay where she is, and reassure your dad that he is doing the right thing. The worst aspect of having a partner taken into care is the guilt. We always feel we should be able to cope, and this may be why your dad is reluctant to visit.

He needs to be told over and over again that he did a good job caring for your mum for as long as he did, and that you know he couldn't do any more.

Don't try to pressure him into visiting, he'll go when he's ready.

It's hard for you to cope with, I know, when you're struggling with your own emotions about your mum. But your dad needs you now. I'm sure it will all work out.

Love,

 

[madala]

Hi mollie

lots of good advice been given to you I know what your dad is going thro I look after my wife.It took being knocked down by a car and spending a night in hospital for me to realise i needed more help .I now have Crossroads carers coming for a few hours several days a week and she goes to a day centre every monday and i have a weeks respite care every 6 weeks which allows to do what i want to do for a period ,ready to start caring again I have 2 daughters who do as much as they can both living about 4 hrs away but they phone every day too see how we are,continue to give your Dad love and support and he will come round
Good luck and best wishes
Madala

 

[mollie1]

Thank-you

Thank-you all for your comments and very usefull thoughts and advice it is really good to have this network of friends Mollie