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Hi,

Lisa58

New member
Feb 25, 2020
2
Hi,
Mum has been in a nursing home now for 17months now. She is now more insecure wanting us to tell her we love her wanted to be close to her with cuddles and holding hands which is something she needs which we reassure in this. I visit 3 days a week my brother 1 day a week as be travels to see mum and dad visits 3 times a week also. So between us mum has a visitor most days. I always like I used to before mum went into the home took her out somewhere whether it be to a garden centre, into town for a coffee or to our house for the afternoon. Even though mum needed the loo quite often I made sure I could access toilets etc. As soon as we get back to the home. Mum would start yelling 'don't take me back, no ! you don't love me if you did you wouldnt do this to me!!' which cuts me up inside. So much so that I'm telling myself don't take her out anymore just stay in with mum, just watch a film or something. Then I feel guilty by not doing things that she loved doing!! but now if I don't take her anywhere I go to say goodbye and then she starts shouting oh no don't go, don't leave me!! Now it's getting to the point I'm dreading going now I know that once I'm gone she settles back down again by giving her her pencils and drawing pad but I be got the guilt that stays with me of not wanting to go..
Thanks for listening x
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,053
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Lisa58 welcome to Dementia Talking Point

I don’t actually have experience of this problem as my dad was too poorly by the time he went into full time care for me to manage to take him out by myself but I do know, from what others have written, that there comes a time when it’s best not to take the PWD out and it sounds like that time has come for your mum.

I would’ve gone out with dad on trips from the home if he’d been well enough but not by myself in case he refused to return.

When it was time to leave I never said goodbye to dad. I would tell him I was nipping to the shops or had to go to work and I’d be back soon. I also timed my visits so I could leave when a meal was served and dad was distracted.

I hope this helps. I remember the feeling of dreading visiting until I got this advice. It feels wrong to leave without saying goodbye but it made things a lot calmer.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,623
South coast
My mum was someone who loved going out. She would say to me "lets go! Lets get out of here" and I would take her to the park and feed the ducks, or to a garden centre and have tea and cake, or maybe push her along the sea front and have an ice cream. As time went by, however, the length of time that she could stay out got less and if she got too tired the thought of going somewhere else was too much and I had trouble getting her in and out of the car. Eventually I could not take her out at all - not even to a cafe which was literally yards from her care homes front door.

Is your mum still asking to go out? If she is, try taking her out for just a short length of time and see if she is OK with that. If she is not asking, then, sadly, it may be that it is now too much for her.
 

Lisa58

New member
Feb 25, 2020
2
Hi @Lisa58 welcome to Dementia Talking Point

I don’t actually have experience of this problem as my dad was too poorly by the time he went into full time care for me to manage to take him out by myself but I do know, from what others have written, that there comes a time when it’s best not to take the PWD out and it sounds like that time has come for your mum.

I would’ve gone out with dad on trips from the home if he’d been well enough but not by myself in case he refused to return.

When it was time to leave I never said goodbye to dad. I would tell him I was nipping to the shops or had to go to work and I’d be back soon. I also timed my visits so I could leave when a meal was served and dad was distracted.

I hope this helps. I remember the feeling of dreading visiting until I got this advice. It feels wrong to leave without saying goodbye but it made things a lot calmer.
Thank you.
Sometimes you know what the right thing is Todo but it's bringing yourself to do it!
Also as we know with dementia mum could be talking about the 'price of cheese' a ' normal' conversation but then next time completely the opposite.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
659
High Peak
I think you have very much answered your own question!

Why not take her favourite fancy coffee and cake in with you? If she likes plants, take in some seed catalogues, etc, and ask her help in choosing what you should plant this year. Going out is always going to be problematical if she is reluectant to return.

And avoid 'triggers'. Don't say goodbye when you leave as this triggers the 'take me with you /get me out of here' response. Tell her instead you're just going to the loo (or something similar) and sneak out.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,137
i think you need to be guided by our mother as she is now, rather than your mother as she used to be. She used to enjoy these trips but now they cause her (and you) distress. So maybe cut back on how many times you go out, and how long you go out for. Or indeed, opt to stay in. Obviously you want to keep things peaceful and cheerful, and if trips out don't achieve that now, they are counterproductive.

In terms of her begging you not to leave - don't say goodbye. Tell her you're going to the loo, or to see someone in the office, don't say you're leaving. Avoid all these triggers for distress and both of you will be happier. Her world is shrinking, it's the nature of the disease, just ensure it's as happy a world as possible.