Hi to you all.

[Forgetmenot*]

So down, life so non existent, feel scared and waiting for the 2nd care home to not manage mum's
Behaviour.
Think care home will get her into hospital
again for another assessment, ?
She was so lucid with the mental health team and doctors!!
I've been advised to stay away from visiting for 2 weeks, as mum has always been very close with me, she is now only wanting me from when she wakes, to when she sleeps.
She also has a favourite nurse, again follows her around.
She thinks the care home are keeping me from coming....
And she will not cope....

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Forgetmenot* and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. The sort of dependency that you describe can be hard to break but it must be done for both your sakes. Ultimately, although it may be a rocky road, she will cope. Now that you have found our supportive community do keep posting as I am sure that there are many others who have had similar experiences.

 

[canary]

Hi @Forgetmenot* and welcome to Talking Point.
It sounds like you have had a rough ride along your mums dementia. It also sounds like she has only been in this home a matter of days, so you are both in the early stages of adjusting.

As @northumbrian_k says, it is difficult, but necessary, to break this dependency - she needs to form bonds of trust with the carers. It is hard not to visit (and I would add that it would be best not to phone either), but perhaps you could bridge this by sending in cards or small presents to reassure her that you have not abandoned her. When there was a time that I could not visit mum I sued her picture postcards of the sort we used to send (in the time before mobiles) when we were on holiday.

 

[melli]

Hi @Forgetmenot* so glad you have found the forum, I wish I had done months ago ! your post really resonates with me, my Mom had depended upon me at home and when she went into carehome I felt so anxious that I couldn't be there and that she would be in a state. however they are right, she was worse initially when I went often, she settled down better when I wasnt around. I think it hurt me more than her. A bit like kids getting home sick on a school trip, no contact actually made it better. this was really tested during a no visit period due to covid in the home. I was so worried, yet when I was allowed back to visit her she had actually improved, got a bit more into a routine and she was much less aware of the absence than I was. I f I could offer advise in hindsight, I wish id trusted them and not turned myself inside out with worry and guilt, lay awake thinking how I can make it better and concentrated on a bit more self care and then visited in a calmer and more positive frame of mind and not as frazzled around the edges. hang on in there - you got this

 

[MaNaAk]

So down, life so non existent, feel scared and waiting for the 2nd care home to not manage mum's
Behaviour.
Think care home will get her into hospital
again for another assessment, ?
She was so lucid with the mental health team and doctors!!
I've been advised to stay away from visiting for 2 weeks, as mum has always been very close with me, she is now only wanting me from when she wakes, to when she sleeps.
She also has a favourite nurse, again follows her around.
She thinks the care home are keeping me from coming....
And she will not cope....

Dear @forgetmenot,

I was advised not to visit dad for two weeks when he went into the home so my brothers went instead. Have you got any family that could visit your mum even if she doesn't recognise them? You are doing your best but it's time to also think of yourself now.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[JHA]

I think we are both in similar situations. My mom went into a respite bed on 29th with a view to staying there permanently. Prior to this she lived alone with me going over in the morning and ringing her late afternoon. My mom has no idea of her needs and as far as she is concerned there is nothing wrong with her (she has Lewy Body Dementia and has begun to wander out of the house in the middle of the night). To say the care home have had a difficult weekend with her is an understatement but they are still trying to settle her - the Mental Health Consultant has prescribed different medication today to see if it will help.

The care home is currently on lockdown so I have not been able to visit and if last weeks phone call is anything to go by I am not sure my mom wants to see me as I took her to the respite bed and left whilst she was having lunch. It was the hardest decision I have ever made but after 8 days of watching her 24/7 I was broken and my own family were beginning to suffer.