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Hi, this is my first time of posting, I'm really struggling at the moment, my mum is newly diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer’s

Lynnm65

New member
Apr 5, 2020
3
Mum lives with us in her own little self contained flat downstairs, but I'm finding it so difficult at the moment as she keeps wanting to go out to buy things like Easter cards, or a new jumper or go to the bank ect, and I feel exhausted keep repeating myself on what we are able to do, mum has only just been diagnosed, moderate dementia, she is usually a very independent lady but recently she is saying she is down /depressed and has no empathy for others at all, I truly want to give the best care for mum but I'm really struggling myself and although I don't want to feel frustrated I do! Is this normal?? Any suggestions would be helpful please
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,756
Nottinghamshire

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,373
South coast
Hello @Lynnm65 and welcome to DTP.

Yes, Im sorry to say that what you are feeling is entirely normal.
The loss of reasoning and empathy mean that they want what they want and cannot see anything from anyone elses viewpoint. What with that and having to constantly repeat everything it is very frustrating for the carer. It is hard at the best of times, but the coronavirus and everything that goes with it has shone a cruel spotlight on our relatives problems.

I see that Bunpoots has posted the link to Compassionate Cummunication, which may give you some guidelines.
 

Lynnm65

New member
Apr 5, 2020
3
Hello @Lynnm65 and welcome to DTP.

Yes, Im sorry to say that what you are feeling is entirely normal.
The loss of reasoning and empathy mean that they want what they want and cannot see anything from anyone elses viewpoint. What with that and having to constantly repeat everything it is very frustrating for the carer. It is hard at the best of times, but the coronavirus and everything that goes with it has shone a cruel spotlight on our relatives problems.

I see that Bunpoots has posted the link to Compassionate Cummunication, which may give you some guidelines.
Thank you, it's just nice to know it's not just me and to be able to talk to someone who gets it, thank you 🙏
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,634
N Ireland
Hello @Lynnm65 and welcome to the forum from me too. You have come to the right place for information and support.

I note that you refer to your Mum's mood and it is known that depression and anxiety are common bedfellows of dementia. My wife is treated for these as well as her dementia.

A chat with the GP may get you some help. If you would like to read the Society Factsheet about this issue just click the 2nd line of the following link

Supporting a person with dementia who has depression, anxiety or apathy (444)
PDF printable version

I too, like others, am struggling to contain my wife's behaviour at this time because she can be given an instruction and then do the opposite within seconds. The problem is that many people with dementia have brain damage that prevents the making of new memory - they just can't hold information, rather than' forgetting', as such. I have found that the only answer is eternal vigilance, with all the stress that can bring.

In case you haven't found the very useful Publications list attached to this forum here's a link to it
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
 

Lynnm65

New member
Apr 5, 2020
3
Thank you so much, this is all really helpful, I'm so grateful and happy I have found this site today x
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
307
Central Scotland
In answer to your immediate problem re shopping for cards and a jumper, could you interest her in some on-line shopping? That might keep her interested for a while. Alternatively is she into craft work and might be persuaded to make some simple Easter Cards?
 

JeenieC

New member
Apr 5, 2020
1
Mum lives with us in her own little self contained flat downstairs, but I'm finding it so difficult at the moment as she keeps wanting to go out to buy things like Easter cards, or a new jumper or go to the bank ect, and I feel exhausted keep repeating myself on what we are able to do, mum has only just been diagnosed, moderate dementia, she is usually a very independent lady but recently she is saying she is down /depressed and has no empathy for others at all, I truly want to give the best care for mum but I'm really struggling myself and although I don't want to feel frustrated I do! Is this normal?? Any suggestions would be helpful please
Hello I have just joined this forum today, this evening and I am also caring for my mum who has early-onset dementia. She has also been living independently but since the Covid-19 crisis I have moved in with her and am also working from home for the last 2 weeks. It is a very difficult balancing act indeed. Repeating yourself constantly and now I am being accused of stealing or moving items. You at first try to gently help find things but you know the next hour will be the same. Today was awful as mum swore quite profoundly at me (using the F word) which is not her, and told me to get out! I of course didn't then had to remember to just not engage. I went on with the cooking I was doing and she wandered upstairs where she has been all evening. I also wasn't very kind "do you think I want to be here" were the words that came out, then I got quite upset, as I don't really mean it but as you say I am just so exhausted. I also remembered the time of day - mum usually gets a bit upset around early evening. I have decided to set an alarm for this time to remind myself to be aware that her mood might be about to change.
I would love to hear any coping methods or experiences from others, but Lynnm65 thank you for sharing, sometimes just talking about it helps.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,596
Merseyside
Hello I have just joined this forum today, this evening and I am also caring for my mum who has early-onset dementia. She has also been living independently but since the Covid-19 crisis I have moved in with her and am also working from home for the last 2 weeks. It is a very difficult balancing act indeed. Repeating yourself constantly and now I am being accused of stealing or moving items. You at first try to gently help find things but you know the next hour will be the same. Today was awful as mum swore quite profoundly at me (using the F word) which is not her, and told me to get out! I of course didn't then had to remember to just not engage. I went on with the cooking I was doing and she wandered upstairs where she has been all evening. I also wasn't very kind "do you think I want to be here" were the words that came out, then I got quite upset, as I don't really mean it but as you say I am just so exhausted. I also remembered the time of day - mum usually gets a bit upset around early evening. I have decided to set an alarm for this time to remind myself to be aware that her mood might be about to change.
I would love to hear any coping methods or experiences from others, but Lynnm65 thank you for sharing, sometimes just talking about it helps.
Welcome to DTP @JeenieC
You May find this interesting https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about...d-diagnosis/symptoms/sundowning#content-start as I think your mum is sundowning.
Please keep posting as you’ll get lots of support here.
 

Wigan Lass

Registered User
Jul 26, 2019
10
Hello I have just joined this forum today, this evening and I am also caring for my mum who has early-onset dementia. She has also been living independently but since the Covid-19 crisis I have moved in with her and am also working from home for the last 2 weeks. It is a very difficult balancing act indeed. Repeating yourself constantly and now I am being accused of stealing or moving items. You at first try to gently help find things but you know the next hour will be the same. Today was awful as mum swore quite profoundly at me (using the F word) which is not her, and told me to get out! I of course didn't then had to remember to just not engage. I went on with the cooking I was doing and she wandered upstairs where she has been all evening. I also wasn't very kind "do you think I want to be here" were the words that came out, then I got quite upset, as I don't really mean it but as you say I am just so exhausted. I also remembered the time of day - mum usually gets a bit upset around early evening. I have decided to set an alarm for this time to remind myself to be aware that her mood might be about to change.
I would love to hear any coping methods or experiences from others, but Lynnm65 thank you for sharing, sometimes just talking about it helps.
Hi Jeenie,
I am having same problem with my mum who lives alone. Every visit I spend the first hour trying to find things she has misplaced as she gets anxious and thinks they have been stolen.
I try to reassure her and say let’s find them together.
I bought a key finder with tags that can be attached to important things like keys and made a small slit in her handbag and purse and pushed a tag in the lining. This helps dramatically in locating things.
Don’t feel guilty about having a rant your only human just remember it is the illness talking not your mum.
My Mum also gets more agitated from around 4pm. She has just been prescribed some meds from memory clinic so will see if she improves. I try to be at her house around this time to stop things escalating although this is not possible on the 2 days I work.
It’s a worrying time for all of us as this time which elevates our stress levels which doesn’t help.
Try to take care of yourself and I hope you have a better day tomorrow.