Hi There "Its me, not us, just me" !

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Silver Lining, Oct 3, 2015.

  1. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    Hello everyone - just thought I would ask, how will I ever feel better about what has happened to John, after 48 years, how do you ever recover from what has consumed your life for nearly 3 years, and now there is nothing except feeling half of you is missing. Silver Lining.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,203
    Merseyside
    It takes time, you spent 48 years together & it takes time to adjust. Just take one day at a time.
    Sending love & hugs xx
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,537
    Kent
    There are no answers to this Silver Lining but know you are among friends.

    I know you would prefer your best friend, your better half, your husband, your John to be with you still, but please make do with those of us here as second best.
     
  4. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    I would hardly class the Forum as "making do", and second best. Silver Lining xx
     
  5. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    But it's not the same, is it. I had 12 years since my John was diagnosed, and we too had nearly 50 years together. There's no answer. Your original post had 2 questions. The first was "how will I ever feel better about what happened to John", and it's a hard one to answer.

    Since he died, 9 months ago, I have reached a level where I accept that his life must have been in so much turmoil, searching for words, confused, frightened, and exhausted, that death must have been a relief for him - and I have no idea if he was in pain, but unable to tell me. I convince myself that there's no Alzheimer's in heaven.

    The part about half your life is missing is so true, poignant and heart breaking. But we've just got to make the best of it, and at least here, on TP, everyone understands. Personally, I could murder Real Life Friends, who happily chat about what repairs, decorating or gardening their husbands have been doing, what holidays they're having, how they "really need a break" etc.

    But I'd rather they think that they can chat like this, without me being upset, than have to watch every word they say. It's not their fault that their lives have been AD free, no more than its our fault that ours weren't.
     
  6. Silver Lining

    Silver Lining Registered User

    Nov 20, 2013
    224
    Thank you Scarlett what you say is so true, we are all grateful John is no longer suffering, all we saw was the results that the illness wreaked upon him and subsequently us. I cannot even comprehend how much he suffered but I do know he never, in all his years of illness and pain, ever complained. The only he said towards the early part of this year was his life had been taken away from him.

    I am very fortunate to be starting Bereavement "meetings" that continue for 3 months organised by our local Hospice which cared for John in his last hours when he came home. I just look forward to getting past the point I am at now.
    Silver Lining.
     
  7. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    All these sweet, kind, gentle souls, that have been cruelly taken from us. :(
     
  8. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    1,425
    Female
    East Coast of Australia
    I fell into a deep black hole in January 2013. After Ray died in September 2012 I still had Mum in care so went on visiting her, then she died in November 2012 but there was Christmas to contend and I thought I could not break down in front of the grandchildren so it was put on a happy face time. So in January 2013 I finally felt the pain of both deaths, it really hit me hard. I had 44 years of marriage and 12 of them I had looked after my husband (he did have one year in a nursng home) so I really felt I had lost my purpose in life.

    I then had six sessions of bereavement counselling spaced fortnightly so I finished in April 2013 and found I had more of a grip on where life was going for me. I hope you are finding the bereavement group meetings useful. Sharing in a group seems to help. As does posting on the online forums like this site.

    Feeling for you as you take on the same journey we are all sharing.

    Sue.
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,537
    Kent
    The hole and the emptiness is there and may be present for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself better me in this position than Dhiren.
     

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