1. Pinky101

    Pinky101 Registered User

    Jun 9, 2015
    East anglia
    Hi all
    Had a bit of a lurk for a couple of days and you all seem lovely! So supportive and might be just what I need for letting off steam and getting practical help. I hope I can reciprocate.

    I care for my father in law who's had vascular dementia for about 4 yrs. he lives 3 miles away and my husband is an only child. My mother in law (they have been divorced for 35yrs) also lives quite nearby and sees him occasionally for coffee but isn't involved in his care. My husband works away for 3-4 days at a time most weeks and we have two sons early teens.

    FIL had a probable 'vascular event' a few weeks ago and has since become completely incapable of managing by himself and is utterly bewildered. We have just got him a carer to come in every morning to wash and dress. He is incontinent at night now but doesn't understand what to do with his pads. We are waiting for an assessment with clinic to get supplied with products. He had an LA assessment in March but was deemed not to meet criteria for a place in extra-care housing (he is self-funding), and we have asked for another assessment but it might take months. And even then he would go on a waiting list for a place. There's a lovely home near us which would take him if he passes the LA criteria but until then their hands are tied.

    Today he started phoning at 5am confused about wet pads and unable to find dry clothes (which I left out for him). After 8 calls, at 7.30am I went round to find him in his dry clothes. I lost the plot and shouted and then burst into tears. It's just so frustrating. Realised that the reason he couldn't find his dry clothes was because he hadn't turned the light on and it was only when it was a bit lighter outside that he could see them. I threw all the wet stuff in the machine and left him to wait for his 8.30 carer who will be nice to him and pamper him. I did apologise and I am ashamed of my self but I am feeling drained by it all. Husband is brilliant when he's home and we have done so much (POA, manage finances and all medical), but no amount of money will help him at 5am when he's confused and unhappy.

    Sorry this is really long and selfish, but it's good to vent. It's not all gloom and doom and FIL can be great company and is nice to us etc, but this illness is a cruel one and there's no end in sight. Thanks for listening :)
  2. Il Gufo

    Il Gufo Registered User

    Feb 27, 2013

    Good Morning. Just to say Hi, and welcome to this excellent forum. I have only recently started to catch up on here again, having lost my lovely Mum in January this year. I found such a wealth of advice and support from others on here whilst caring for my Mum - and I'm sure you will too. Try not to beat yourself up about losing your temper earlier with your FIL. Unless you have been through this process, and survived on endless disturbed nights, you truly do not appreciate how the stress and lack of sleep affects you. Just try to put it behind you and understand there will be more moments like it. But at least now you've signed up on here you have a place to let off steam knowing you won't be judged. Sending you hugs xx
  3. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Hello and welcome to Talking Point.

    Lots of advice and support from members and glad you have found us.

    As your FIL is self funding he has choices and can move where ever he wants. He could go into residential care if he would be happy to go, the LA can only put restrictions down if they are involved in funding the care.

    You will need to watch the cost of the care you choose because if or when the LA need to be involved there is a ceiling to what they will contribute which could leave you short of covering fees which will mean a move or topping up.

    Please keep posting and using the forum for support and having a rant if needed. Safer to do it here than at home.

    Take care,
  4. Sad Misty

    Sad Misty Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    #4 Sad Misty, Jun 9, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2015
    I just joined here yesterday my self however reg the amount of phone calls you got i know that feeling and what i do is if things get to far (my mum still lives at home with Alzheimer ) is that i actually unplug the phone fore that day (or early morning dear i know it sounds cold but desperate times sometimes call fore desperate needs . as fore you lost it and went of (again same story here and it has been going on and of the past 2 weeks between the two of us ) you cant and shouldent feel bad dear this things do happen as we are only humans (depending on what help is available and apparently affordable in you're country do try to get the help dear

    oh and from one new member to another warm welkome :eek:
  5. Poppyred

    Poppyred Registered User

    Jun 10, 2015
    Know how you feel

    Hi I'm a new member today, joining after reading your message last night and wanted to reply as I am in a similar situation, my MOI has vascular dementia diagnosed 5 and half years ago, my husband is an only child and there is no other family around, she'd never been married, so it's down to us. She has some very good friends who do support us but everything day to day falls to us.

    Just thought I'd add with regards to the phone calls, we had the same, phone would ring really early in the morning about 6am and she'd ask if we were on our way for lunch, she has no concept of time. The phone calls have now stopped as she doesn't know how to use the phone anymore. We too had the issues with pads, we went to the Dr who organised for district nurse to come along and they ordered us a years worth and it was very quick, so hope you get this sorted soon. My MIL doesn't change them though so we have to help her or remind her to do that.

    We have a carer go in about 9am and again at 2pm for 30 minutes (mon - Fri) to cook a hot dinner and makes sure she's had her tablets, we usual then go every night and then at weekend to clean or take her out. We have to ring her to remind her to stop in for the carer otherwise she'll go for a walk, it used to always be to the post office to take money out but now she's stopped doing that and walks to a bench at the end of her road or to a friends (although always gets the wrong house). Our carer started in March this year and she is getting worse, however will tell you there is nothing wrong with her and she's not going in a home. She has no long term memory and very little short term memory, conversation is very difficult and often repeated, she no longer knows the grand children name abut does make them laugh with the funny things she says.

    We have little support and don't really know where to go to for support, our case is closed with SS now as we have a carer going in but we know that soon she'll need to go into a home but don't understand all the implications to that and worry how she will cope with it. Sometimes I feel that the support out there (and could be wrong) is often for people who live with the person their caring rather than those who have to added into their daily routine of work, children and family. It can be a big strain on relationships.

    I'm hoping that through this forum I can get some support or advice.
  6. patsy56

    patsy56 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Fife Scotland
    Hi, I'm not with the phone calls with mater, but yes case closed with SS unless something else crops up, I don't understand either. I thought once on books stayed there but isn't the case.

    Huggs BTW newbies

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