Hi....I'm new....

[Lisa W]

Hi everyone, my name is Lisa, my mum is 86 and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and vascular dementia, around 4months ago. Mum also has a host of other medical issues that cause limited mobility. I knew years ago, that eventually Mum would need care, she was diagnosed with advanced glaucoma and her sight was deteriorating at a pace and she was struggling with daily tasks.
My husband is wonderful and agreed to move from our finished family home into a larger home that needed work so we could accommodate Mum. In a strange twist of fate she needed assistance just before the first lockdown so moved in with us, this was before the Alzheimer's/VD diagnosis. She moved back into her property briefly when restrictions were lifted but it was obvious that she could not cope any more.
I have two children under 10, work full time and my husband travels for business. My sister 'helps' but she lacks emotion (not just with this situation, generally in life) so will come in for brief periods to be with Mum, but will happily do anything that doesn't require 'care'.
Mum is deteriorating rapidly, or at least that's how it feels, I don't know if it's because we've had it confirmed we notice more or there actually is more to notice.
I'm sad, I miss my Mum, we've always been close and luckily she still knows who we are...but she's so sad. I want her to smile but her medical issues are hard and I am sure she is technically depressed....but she is from the generation where women just got on, she would never admit to being depressed. There is so much more I could say about how amazing she is, but I guess we all feel that about our mums.
Not sure why I'm writing this....just to know I'm not as alone as I feel......

 

[Grannie G]

You`re not alone @Lisa W , nor will you be now you`ve found Talking Point.

So many people have experienced the same sadness you are experiencing. We have all had our own ways of managing the most difficult situations and I`m sure sharing experiences will help you as it`s helped so many before.

 

[ClaireeW]

Hi @Lisa W

my Mum is also 86 and also has mixed Alzheimer's and vascular dementia, diagnosed in July. We seem to be on a similar path, but I'm fortunate that Mum has fewer physical difficulties. She too has deteriorated markedly in her mental state just lately, so I fully understand your position. Can't say much to be helpful, other than for you to know there's another daughter out there, with a Mum so very similar.
sending love x

 

[Lisa W]

Thank you @ClaireeW and @Grannie G, it's been emotional reading your responses and other threads, but I have found some comfort. Thank you for responding this late in the evening. Mum is finally resting so I feel calmer. Xx

 

[sophsbry]

Hi there Lisa. My Mum was also diagnosed with mixed dementia back in May. She lives in an annex in our garden. I am really sad because she isn’t the Mum I know anymore. We have been close in the past but our relationship has deteriorated to the point where it can only be described as ‘functional’. My real Mum just isn’t here any more. It’s incredibly hard and I am guilt ridden much of the time. I too have two children aged 13 and 11. Happy to chat whenever you need some support.

 

[Lisa W]

Hi there Lisa. My Mum was also diagnosed with mixed dementia back in May. She lives in an annex in our garden. I am really sad because she isn’t the Mum I know anymore. We have been close in the past but our relationship has deteriorated to the point where it can only be described as ‘functional’. My real Mum just isn’t here any more. It’s incredibly hard and I am guilt ridden much of the time. I too have two children aged 13 and 11. Happy to chat whenever you need some support.

Thanks, the guilt is so difficult isn't it! I feel guilty about the kids, work, my husband, mum....it never ends! People keep telling me to take time for myself, I just don't know if the guilt during/after me time is worth it! Mum was taken into hospital yesterday as they think she has an impacted bowel, when I went to see her today she was smiling and talking..granted about whatever she could 'see' bit happier, made me wonder if staying with me was best for her? Mentally it's exhausting isn't it. X

 

[PatRayH]

Take a few pictures of her when she is happiest or laughing ....and when she is sometimes behaving not like the mum you know ...look at those pictures and it will hopefully make you smile or maybe cry.

@Lisa W ...in a way you are lucky to have so many other distractions and that your mum is surrounded by those distractions too....imagine if it was just you on your own.....I can say that you would feel much worse and even more stressed ....as for your sister maybe she doesn't feel comfortable being a carer and just wants to still be a daughter to your mum.... I still have a picture of my mum hugging me when I was very small when we lived in a could flat with no central heating. just an electric bar heater and thats the mum I see in my mind when she is having a bad day.....my sister is living thousands of miles away in the sunshine oblivious. with a great excuse not to help.

 

[Lisa W]

That's a lovely idea, I try to look back on old pictures but don't have many from recently. X