• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can access this area by going to the Health and wellbeing forum >here< or you can directly access the area >here<.

Hi, I'm new to TP.. my 83 yr old mother has Vascular dementia and Altzeimers

cebhh

Registered User
May 2, 2014
12
I'm just off the phone (3rd time today) to mum who was weeping and desperately upset as she feels no one bothers with her. Unlike many people she is lucky that all our family have pulled together and ensure that she has visitors every day, on top of the carers visits three times a day. But mum cant remember something that happened five minutes ago let alone visitors or carers, and hence she feels so lonely and isolated. She has many physical health problems which don't help either.
With the help of social work/doctor/ etc we have done everything we can think of to help make her safe at home.
How do I stop feeling guilty that I can't be with her 24/7? I spend at least two and sometimes three full days a week with her (so much for my retirement) and the family cover the other days for visits after work. I worry about her when I am not there hence I'm phoning her constantly which has now become a necessity for me.
This disease is the worst thing that can happen to anyone...
 

PeggySmith

Registered User
Apr 16, 2012
1,683
BANES
Hi cebhh and welcome to TP. To be honest, if I had a pound for every time I've been standing next to MIL when she's said "I haven't seen a soul for days" I'd have enough money for a good holiday at least.

For us, it all got solved when her mobility went and she had to go into care. It wasn't what she wanted and I tried all ways to think of a way to keep her at home but, in the event, she settled very rapidly and perked up no end as she had lots of company.

I'm not sure there is a solution to this one once somebody's short-term memory is gone as it's clear that MIL forgets our visits as soon as we walk through the door. Still, I'm hopeful that somebody will come along with a more positive take.
 

scorpion46

Registered User
Mar 11, 2014
38
southend
Hi Cebhh and welcome to TP, I agree it is a terrible condition to have.
I know this will be hard( as we all have felt the same as you at some point), but you must try not to feel guilty, you clearly are doing everything possible to help your mother, and as you said you have the rest of the family to help too, and remember you have a life to, sounds harsh I know.
I was wondering, does your mum go to day centres, there are some great ones about, if you get in touch with the monitors on here, im sure they will be more than happy to provide you with some more info, in the mean time, chin up, your doing a great job.
 

cebhh

Registered User
May 2, 2014
12
THanks

Hi, Its good to know I'm not alone in how I feel (helpless ) and just air my feelings.... certainly helped me last night when I was feeling low. I will keep coming to these pages regularly from now on.

Hi cebhh and welcome to TP. To be honest, if I had a pound for every time I've been standing next to MIL when she's said "I haven't seen a soul for days" I'd have enough money for a good holiday at least.

For us, it all got solved when her mobility went and she had to go into care. It wasn't what she wanted and I tried all ways to think of a way to keep her at home but, in the event, she settled very rapidly and perked up no end as she had lots of company.

I'm not sure there is a solution to this one once somebody's short-term memory is gone as it's clear that MIL forgets our visits as soon as we walk through the door. Still, I'm hopeful that somebody will come along with a more positive take.
 

cebhh

Registered User
May 2, 2014
12
Hi

My Brother and me have tried to coax mum to go to a day centre without success (she is not a good mixer) but maybe we can try again to encourage her to try one. Thanks

Hi Cebhh and welcome to TP, I agree it is a terrible condition to have.
I know this will be hard( as we all have felt the same as you at some point), but you must try not to feel guilty, you clearly are doing everything possible to help your mother, and as you said you have the rest of the family to help too, and remember you have a life to, sounds harsh I know.
I was wondering, does your mum go to day centres, there are some great ones about, if you get in touch with the monitors on here, im sure they will be more than happy to provide you with some more info, in the mean time, chin up, your doing a great job.
 

cebhh

Registered User
May 2, 2014
12
Thanks

Thanks for the info Becky Jan

I am glad you have found TP :).

It may be worthwhile to ring the local branch of the Alzheimer's Society (local to your Mother I mean). They should know what local support is available. Most branches run 'cafes' which are meeting places for sufferers and/or carers. We found them extremely helpful.