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Hi i am caring for my mother in law who has moderate alzheimers disease. I get very frustrated at times and i hate myself for it.

Shar1961

New member
Oct 31, 2020
2
Does anyone else get these feelings of frustration in their caring role. I think i feel like this because i don't get support with my feelings from my husband. I feel that he leaves all the responsibility on me. He moans when i need to talk to get things off my chest. He thinks i am moaning. He dont realize that i need a rest sometimes too.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,006
Hi @Shar1961, and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I think in your case I might find a reason why I needed to go out and leave my mother in law with my husband for the day. I think if he saw first hand what caring for an elderly person can be like he might be more sympathetic. Things are so difficult at the moment as activities such as Day Centres aren't all running at present, and there is a limit on things that you can do outside the home, even if your MiL is fit and able
I'm sure others will be along with their suggestions soon In the meantime have a look round the site, you'll find lots of support and advice here.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,135
I agree too but don't be too hard on yourself because there are not many of us that have not felt frustrated and fed up at some point when caring for someone with dementia. You would have to be some kind of saint not to feel this way.

Take some time for yourself next time your husband has a day off and go out somewhere. Go for a drive and treat yourself to fish and chips in the car or a walk by the beach or in a park. Play your own music, anything just let your husband spend the day with his mum.

If I had been left to look after my mother in law I wouldn't of lasted a week before I pushed her off a cliff or something similar because she was an old bat. See none of us are saints😇😇
 

Kellyr

Registered User
Aug 8, 2020
101
I had these feelings many times when I was caring for my Mum...its human nature and you shouldnt feel guilty. Things massively improved when she finally went into a c/home and I could be a daughter again. It was the main upside of putting her there
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
231
Dear @Shar1961

Welcome to the forum. Firstly caring for someone with Dementia and frustration go hand in hand. Please seek out the thread on “Compassionate Communication”. It will give you some tips that might help to reduce some of your frustration. Small breaks going into another room can help. Secondly your husband needs a dose of the demands of caring as others have suggested. Get out for a day for whatever reason. Let’s see how he views your ”moaning” after a few hours of direct experience.

Regrettably I think it might be a “bloke thing“. Caring to many males is seen as in the female preserve. Pity really because I have found looking after my mum has made me a more patient and rounded individual. Learnt new skills, really enjoyed being able to help her despite all the frustrations, anxiety and stressful moments at times.

wish you well for the future. Remember you can always come here for a rant or just some support. A very knowledgeable and friendly forum.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,943
Nottinghamshire
Welcome from me too @Shar1961

I think everyone of us here understands the feelings of frustration that comes with caring for a PWD. I agree your husbands needs to be left to look after his mum - for a whole day if you can arrange it..

Here is the the link to compassionate communication which @Whisperer mentioned. I hope you find it as helpful as I did

 

Shar1961

New member
Oct 31, 2020
2
Hi @Shar1961, and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I think in your case I might find a reason why I needed to go out and leave my mother in law with my husband for the day. I think if he saw first hand what caring for an elderly person can be like he might be more sympathetic. Things are so difficult at the moment as activities such as Day Centres aren't all running at present, and there is a limit on things that you can do outside the home, even if your MiL is fit and able
I'm sure others will be along with their suggestions soon In the meantime have a look round the site, you'll find lots of support and advice here.
Thank you for reply. Its difficult for MiL to do activities as she is also partially sighted, so very limited with things for her to do to keep her mind active. I just wish i could find things for her to do. During the summer i took her out for walks when i could get her to come out. She will not go out when its cold so it is so difficult. Hoping people could come up with activity ideas for some one that has very little sight. X
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,006
Hi @Shar1961 , my mother is also partially sighted and I found it tricky too, specially as she lived at home without any help coming in (she's now in a care home). I tried audio books, but mum could no longer follow plots so that was a wash out. She does love dancing and music and since being in the care home those are the two things she's really engaged with, She certainly doesn't like any of the art activities they do. Mum also liked to go to a keep fit class when at home and still joins in with the classes they do in the home. When staying with my mother in law, who also has dementia in the summer we came across https://hasfit.com/workouts/home/senior/. My mother in law couldn't really follow the instructions though she had a go, but she enjoyed watching my husband and i making fools of ourselves waving water bottles as weights about. Maybe something like that will keep you both fit over the winter.
I still think you need to get some time off, either with your husband stepping up or getting in some outside help,
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
853
Hello @Shar1961 . I suppose you have already tried audio books and music? Music is so good for lifting the mood. Something you need as much as your mother in law!
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
547
Does anyone else get these feelings of frustration in their caring role. I think i feel like this because i don't get support with my feelings from my husband. I feel that he leaves all the responsibility on me. He moans when i need to talk to get things off my chest. He thinks i am moaning. He dont realize that i need a rest sometimes too.
Empathy is an often misused term because it does not always address the sheer depth of understanding which is a must in caring for someone living with dementia. In short, sympathy and the uninformed mind, however meaningfully applied in respect of wanting to understand, is in fact a yawning chasm removed from actual day to day caring. Frustration is part and parcel of this caring role but one has to be aware very profoundly that it can only exacerbate what is already a hugely challenging responsibility. When someone is laying in a sick bed, with all manner of leads and tubes sustaining their life, it is so much easily understood. Dementia can be as critically important in fact, but presenting behind what might seem to be simply uncharacteristic or plain awkward behaviour fluctuating between familiar if " frustrating" patterns of such, makes it less recognisable as both a genuine terminal and genuine uninvited illness. Every one of us is different. In dementia that becomes in itself a major element in the sphere of Care. Music, games, leisure activities which were once a regular part of a life can be compromised when cognition has become tainted or damaged. When sight deteriorates some people find solace in ' talking books', some in music. In the Care Home they strive to apply relevant positive " activities " to all residents, accepting that there are those who do not find a desire to become involved but rather sit quietly in their own " thoughts " and be contented in themselves, whilst the regime of meal times and coffee breaks provides a kind of 'security ' replicating a " home from home " environment which is continuous and ' safe. All of this fundamentally is complex, even when very well practiced because every single person living with dementia is different and as we well know, the brain is immensely complex and when diseased even in the early days, creates major challenges for the recipient primarily and major challenges and huge responsibility for the one who is Caring for that individual. When all of this confronts you in the home, the place which functions in apparent " normality " it is often unseen in very early days as problematic. Yet, as is so poignantly demonstrated here by way of the many varied and often tragic accounts shared by both men and women who are living the enormously demanding role of Carer, this relentless disease termed DEMENTIA is so very often misunderstood and seen in many ways as an inevitable feature of ageing and the promotional images of Care facilities by way of glossy brochures or media generally, unwittingly omit the raw actuality of what Caring can become or can imply, especially in the domestic or home environment.
So a frustrated " moan" can in essence be a cry for help initially , but perhaps most importantly - awareness and sincere awareness at that, as to what we are talking about.
A life no longer governed by its owner... A life which needs protection.... A life which is subject to a totally indifferent disease.... A life which no longer equates to 9 to 5... A life like any other life and just as viable and just as precious as any other life....
A life which now lay in your hands....
Therein behind the frustrated "moan" is all this and more. And for those who might point an accusatory finger when you deliver the " moan" - then gently suggest that they trial just one day in your shoes.... after which you remind them that just one day does not represent a week... a month...a year... a decade of Caring.

That is the reality.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,226
Southampton
would something like a stress ball help. its main purpose is exercising the hands but its a good stress reliever as well and quite satisfying.have you looked on the RNIB website as they have activities especially for the those with limited sight
 

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