1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

Hi all I'm new to Talking point o/

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Victoria84, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. Victoria84

    Victoria84 Registered User

    Jun 24, 2015
    Hi everyone, a little about why I'm here: I recently found out my grandmother has been placed in a care home as she has declined in health she has dementia and has gotten worse to the point she thinks I'm still 4 years old, anyway I called the care home and she was asleep so i called again but no response, I then get a phone call from my mother who said they decline to put me through to her as it may cause her to get agitated and if I came to visit her I wouldn't be allowed to see her without my aunt ( has power of attorney) which I'm not sure on the laws here but can they really not let me see my own grandmother? It's not a quick trip back to the UK and if I don't get to see her I would be devastated. I think my aunt is concerned I'm coming over for money seen as she just sold my grandmothers house to "pay for care costs" but that's not the case I would rather visit her than come over for a funeral. Apologies for my ramble but I'm not sure what I can do and the laws regarding relatives visiting in care homes and wether my aunt as power of attorney can legally block me from seeing her. Thanks
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Hi Victoria, welcome to TP
    I'm guessing your grandmother is in the UK and you're not from what you've said.
    If the care home don't want you to speak to her right now then it may be part of the settling in process, which if she's just moved in is a reasonable thing to ask.
    Your Aunt's power of attorney isn't a power of access to who does and doesn't get to visit, but the view care homes take is a different matter and side with her.
    Are there any other family members who you could get involved who could mediate between you and your aunt
  3. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    Hi Victoria and welcome to TP :)

    I'm sorry your grandmother is unwell and has had to be admitted to a care home. This must come as a particular shock to you, not seeing the possibly gradual changes, as you don't live in the UK.

    Of course you want to be in contact and see your grandmother. However, I don't think it's unusual for the care home not to put her on the phone to you. If she thinks you are aged 4, she would find the conversation very difficult, and as for her it's out of context, it might make her agitated or upset.

    As for you seeing her as and when you are home, your aunt would have to have a very good reason to legally prevent this. So it does seem unlikely that she could or would do this. I think it's more likely that she's trying to protect both her mother and you, so wants to be at your visit to see how it goes, and maybe to explain things on the day.

    It may be a good idea to contact your aunt well in advance of any visit you plan to make. Ask her about your grandmother and try to be as well informed about the situation as you can. Also it would seem on the face of it appropriate to be sympathetic to your aunt. She may have struggled to find the right care home for your grandmother and be trying to maintain the best quality of life for her.

    I apologise if I have misunderstood your question and I hope this helps.

    Take care :) I hope all goes well and that you get to see your grandmother soon :)

    Lindy xx
  4. Victoria84

    Victoria84 Registered User

    Jun 24, 2015
    Thank you but I was too late

    When writing my previous comment I did say I had recently found out that she was in a care home the fact is she had been there for almost a year and that is why I hadn't been able to contact her at her home number since March and my mail being returned but had no comment from my family when I had enquired as to what was happening, they told me after they had sold her house as they knew I would find out about it, so when I contacted the nursing home and wasn't able to speak to her without the consent from my aunt ( who dislikes me) I was rather upset. I booked a flight to come over in August (Grans birthday) and told my family of my plans as "normal" people do to be told not to come, which that's never stopped me before but today I get a face-book post of all things from my mother telling me my grandmother passed away in her sleep last night and to not bother coming over. I asked for details but response was I don't know so called the nursing home and they still wouldn't give me any information without the consent from my aunt. So I'm sat here in another country after not being able to speak to her before she passed and wondering when and where her funeral will be. So I say this: whatever you may feel towards your family members at times always remember or remind them of the good memories you have had together and forgive them for there faults.
  5. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    So very shocked to read this! I obviously don't know any background, but how your family can treat you like this is beyond belief.

    I am very sorry for the loss of your grandmother and how sad that you didn't get to see her before she passed. It sounds nothing short of cruel that you are unable to find any further information.

    I wish you well and deepest sympathies, take care x

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