Hi! A intro
- Thread starter ElaineMaul
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Hi Lila,
I obviously only get my Mum's impressions of her .... but my Mum is a pretty good judge of character. The doctor suggested the pacemaker as an option my Mum could consider ...... at the same time giving the impression that she'd push for Dad to then get aricept.
The doctor always asks my Mum probing questions about how she's getting on .... she was very active in getting my Dad assessed, at a point when possibly it would be fair to say lots of people would have thought nothing much was wrong with Dad. So yes ..... I know a lot of people get treated very poorly by their Doctor, but she's definately on our side!
Elaine
I obviously only get my Mum's impressions of her .... but my Mum is a pretty good judge of character. The doctor suggested the pacemaker as an option my Mum could consider ...... at the same time giving the impression that she'd push for Dad to then get aricept.
The doctor always asks my Mum probing questions about how she's getting on .... she was very active in getting my Dad assessed, at a point when possibly it would be fair to say lots of people would have thought nothing much was wrong with Dad. So yes ..... I know a lot of people get treated very poorly by their Doctor, but she's definately on our side!
Elaine
Hi Elaine
We all need a doctor we feel we can trust, go with your instinct for it will certainly give you peace of mind in an uncertain situation.
Thinking of you.
Hugs
Dick
We all need a doctor we feel we can trust, go with your instinct for it will certainly give you peace of mind in an uncertain situation.
Thinking of you.
Hugs
Dick
It's the distance and the difficulty of travelling (for me) to go and "sort mother out". And then all the effort put into going round looking for places, and the disappointment of feeling that if I do find somewhere suitable, my brother will disapprove, and that the longer he leaves it the less able she will be to cope with moving at all. (If I only had to please my mother and aunt and myself, the move would be well under way by now.)
Lila
Lila
Hi
I'm brand new to the site, having just discovered it minutes ago...
I'm afraid my story is all too familiar - my Dad, who's 86 has developed AD over the past couple of years but is now careering downhill at an alarming rate.
Dad was as fit as a fiddle, he's still got all his hair which up until this all started hardly had a grey hair in it...he was more like a 60yr old...which makes the onset of this awful affliction so much harder to bear....
I'm married with a young family and we live 250 miles from my parents - so Mum is the principal carer and gets absolutely no support or help from the local social services - apparently they'll only get involved when my Mum & Dad are physically incapable of looking after themselves...
The worst part of this for my Mum is that after 45 yrs of marriage, my Dad who was a wonderful Christian man has started swearing at her, threatening her with physical violence and generally become the absolute antithesis of the man he was...he's been diagnosed with vascular dementia, is becoming very paranoid as well. He's not allowed to be treated with the standard drugs as he has a totally unconnected issue with his heartbeat - it's nothing that is a problem otherwise but according to the consultant "treating" Dad, they would need a crash team on permanent standby if he were to take the drugs. It is SO unfair.
I am now seriously worried for Mum's mental health as she is not coping with this at all - social services are not interested, the mental health nurse doesn't seem to be bothered about helping - what do I or my Mum do?
I'm brand new to the site, having just discovered it minutes ago...
I'm afraid my story is all too familiar - my Dad, who's 86 has developed AD over the past couple of years but is now careering downhill at an alarming rate.
Dad was as fit as a fiddle, he's still got all his hair which up until this all started hardly had a grey hair in it...he was more like a 60yr old...which makes the onset of this awful affliction so much harder to bear....
I'm married with a young family and we live 250 miles from my parents - so Mum is the principal carer and gets absolutely no support or help from the local social services - apparently they'll only get involved when my Mum & Dad are physically incapable of looking after themselves...
The worst part of this for my Mum is that after 45 yrs of marriage, my Dad who was a wonderful Christian man has started swearing at her, threatening her with physical violence and generally become the absolute antithesis of the man he was...he's been diagnosed with vascular dementia, is becoming very paranoid as well. He's not allowed to be treated with the standard drugs as he has a totally unconnected issue with his heartbeat - it's nothing that is a problem otherwise but according to the consultant "treating" Dad, they would need a crash team on permanent standby if he were to take the drugs. It is SO unfair.
I am now seriously worried for Mum's mental health as she is not coping with this at all - social services are not interested, the mental health nurse doesn't seem to be bothered about helping - what do I or my Mum do?
Hiya plastic scouser,
Welcome to TP. I think it is fairly common for people with vascular dementia not to be offered treatment - there doesn't seem to be any available, other than aspirin, and blood pressure tablets if required.
There are things that may help with the aggression though - so getback to the GP - do not let him off the hook. If mum is not coping with the situation, then she needs help in her own right. Ask for the CPN or local mental health team to give mum some support - there may be counselling available.
Have you tried contacting the local Alzheimers Society - they may be able to offer support.
Keep making phone calls to get help for your parents. Don't give up.
Love Helen
Welcome to TP. I think it is fairly common for people with vascular dementia not to be offered treatment - there doesn't seem to be any available, other than aspirin, and blood pressure tablets if required.
There are things that may help with the aggression though - so getback to the GP - do not let him off the hook. If mum is not coping with the situation, then she needs help in her own right. Ask for the CPN or local mental health team to give mum some support - there may be counselling available.
Have you tried contacting the local Alzheimers Society - they may be able to offer support.
Keep making phone calls to get help for your parents. Don't give up.
Love Helen
drugs for vad
My husband was put on quetiapine to calm him down as he was also getting aggressive and unmanagable at day centre. the drug is not supposed to be for heart patients but they still put him on it. i dont realy know if it is working very well as he is still difficult to manage when dressing and during toileting.
But at least they have taken him back at the day centre.he has been diagnosed with VAD.
Regards Cynron x x
My husband was put on quetiapine to calm him down as he was also getting aggressive and unmanagable at day centre. the drug is not supposed to be for heart patients but they still put him on it. i dont realy know if it is working very well as he is still difficult to manage when dressing and during toileting.
But at least they have taken him back at the day centre.he has been diagnosed with VAD.
Regards Cynron x x
hi plastic scouser ...... i'm afraid your dad reminds me of mine. 87 and hardly a grey hair on his head. it was lewy body he was diagnosed with ..... but he also went downhill very rapidly. he was tried on various AD drugs but they didn't seem to make much difference .......... or rather the only difference they seemed to make was negative. perhaps your dad isn't missing out on too much.
like Amy says though ........ it would be a good idea to push for some help in terms of your mum's mental health. ......... if your mum is happy for you to do that of course. it seems to be ridiculous .......... but true ........... that you only get help after the current way of coping has completely fallen apart. it would be so much better to offer support to maintain the current situation, rather than it having to come to a crisis before you can get something more. It might go against the grain, but perhaps you have to push and present the worse case scenario to anyone in charge of services before you'll get listened to.
like Amy says though ........ it would be a good idea to push for some help in terms of your mum's mental health. ......... if your mum is happy for you to do that of course. it seems to be ridiculous .......... but true ........... that you only get help after the current way of coping has completely fallen apart. it would be so much better to offer support to maintain the current situation, rather than it having to come to a crisis before you can get something more. It might go against the grain, but perhaps you have to push and present the worse case scenario to anyone in charge of services before you'll get listened to.
Hi Plastic Scouser
No one should have to struggle on without help.
Get your GP to refer your parents to Social Services,or do it yourself.
You must ask for a community assessment,this will show what help you need,don't play the situation down,describe how bad it is and that Mother cannot cope any longer.
Have a look at this site:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/After_diagnosis/Getting_support/info_communityassessment.htm
Hope this helps,come back to us if you wnt more advice
Norman
No one should have to struggle on without help.
Get your GP to refer your parents to Social Services,or do it yourself.
You must ask for a community assessment,this will show what help you need,don't play the situation down,describe how bad it is and that Mother cannot cope any longer.
Have a look at this site:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/After_diagnosis/Getting_support/info_communityassessment.htm
Hope this helps,come back to us if you wnt more advice
Norman
Hi Everyone
Thanks for the advice, sorry but I've been off radar at the moment due to the sudden loss of my father-in-law (it never rains...)
Mum & Dad have gone to France with friends - at least Mum will have someone to talk to over the holiday rather than being on her own...
I'm dreading the return though as it means more than ever Mum will be on her own as Dad continues downhill...
Thanks for the link Norman - I've sent it on to Mum - I've told her to register on this forum as she's now entered the broadband age so there's no excuse for a good chat on sites such as this....
Thanks for the advice, sorry but I've been off radar at the moment due to the sudden loss of my father-in-law (it never rains...)
Mum & Dad have gone to France with friends - at least Mum will have someone to talk to over the holiday rather than being on her own...
I'm dreading the return though as it means more than ever Mum will be on her own as Dad continues downhill...
Thanks for the link Norman - I've sent it on to Mum - I've told her to register on this forum as she's now entered the broadband age so there's no excuse for a good chat on sites such as this....
Just reading what people have said about telling someone if they have alzheimers,my dad went with my mum for all the tests she was 54 when she was finaly diagnosed and she just took it in her stride i think unless she was hideing it from us all. My sister had rung her up when we heard and she just said iam alright love ill be fine, i think by that time alzheimers had set in and she never realy understood the true meaning of it or what it would envolve i think as a family we did not know ourselves just what the diease was about. Its only over the past so many years or so that alzheimers has become more aware. Which is a good thing realy there is a lot more information on the illness now. A lot more awearness going on. Again i have to say this is a great site for all who is dealing with a loved one, copeing with a loved one and having to make decisions. This site can help so keep posting and iam sure we will all try to answer your concerns best we can
kathy
kathy
hi
hi there this is my first post here so hope i've posted on the correct thread. my dad has been suffering from memory loss for the past 12 years although it was only diagnosed as alzheimers 3 years ago. he has really gone down hill over those last 3 years. this has been heart breaking as you all know, for me but especially for my mum who has had to give up so much to look after him. dad is 80 and mum is 70. to make matters worse mum has contracted rheumatoid arthritis and osteo parosis of the spine and has to take so many pils she rattles when she walks. over the last few months dads mobility has got so bad that he is in tears if he attempts to walk the dog with mum(a 20 minute stroll over the fields). dad also has inoperable catarachs in his eyes which mean he is steadily going blind. he used to be such an easy going man and would never so much as shout at mum but these days he has become really rowdy and swears a fair bit. it has got the point now where mum just cant cope with him at home anymore. dad cant make it to the toilet anymore because its upstairs and it takes him ages to get there. which leads to accidents. what with mum having to lift him out of his chair and support him all the time when and if they go out (which dad hates i might add)this is causing her pains to return which are excruciating.
dad has just had to go into hospital because he had a chest infection and fluid on the lungs and has become even more confused than ever. it kills me to say goodbye to him when we leave after visiting . the comforting thing is that due to this horrible disease he doesnt remember that weve gone or where he is.he thinks mums just been out of the house all day. last week he thought he had just come back from spain (he last went when he was a young man in his twentys). he doesnt believe he is in hospital to be honest i dont know where he thinks he is. mum obviously feels so guilty at not being able to cope anymore. thing is dad just cant be left on his own as he wanders out of the house searching for her when mum just goes to the shops or out with the dog. he also thinks shes out with other blokes all the time which shes not because she just doesnt go out at all unless absolutely neccesary. up until dad went into hospital my girlfriend would take mum shopping in the evening while i sit with dad. to be honest dads quality of life is awful he is very very depressed and says in his words 'he just wants to go to sleep and not wake up'. this is of course taking its toll on all of us especially mum. the social services have been in contact and discussed the possibilties of a care home but they have said we will have to tell dad about this because its not fair on him. which i totally agree with. the heart breaking thing is that dad used to say to me that he was scared that 'they' would put him in a looney bin his exact words not mine so i hope that term doesnt offend anyone. i know our tale is probablt similar to a lot of you and it is comforting to read the support that you all give. hope today was better than yesterday for you all.
hi there this is my first post here so hope i've posted on the correct thread. my dad has been suffering from memory loss for the past 12 years although it was only diagnosed as alzheimers 3 years ago. he has really gone down hill over those last 3 years. this has been heart breaking as you all know, for me but especially for my mum who has had to give up so much to look after him. dad is 80 and mum is 70. to make matters worse mum has contracted rheumatoid arthritis and osteo parosis of the spine and has to take so many pils she rattles when she walks. over the last few months dads mobility has got so bad that he is in tears if he attempts to walk the dog with mum(a 20 minute stroll over the fields). dad also has inoperable catarachs in his eyes which mean he is steadily going blind. he used to be such an easy going man and would never so much as shout at mum but these days he has become really rowdy and swears a fair bit. it has got the point now where mum just cant cope with him at home anymore. dad cant make it to the toilet anymore because its upstairs and it takes him ages to get there. which leads to accidents. what with mum having to lift him out of his chair and support him all the time when and if they go out (which dad hates i might add)this is causing her pains to return which are excruciating.
dad has just had to go into hospital because he had a chest infection and fluid on the lungs and has become even more confused than ever. it kills me to say goodbye to him when we leave after visiting . the comforting thing is that due to this horrible disease he doesnt remember that weve gone or where he is.he thinks mums just been out of the house all day. last week he thought he had just come back from spain (he last went when he was a young man in his twentys). he doesnt believe he is in hospital to be honest i dont know where he thinks he is. mum obviously feels so guilty at not being able to cope anymore. thing is dad just cant be left on his own as he wanders out of the house searching for her when mum just goes to the shops or out with the dog. he also thinks shes out with other blokes all the time which shes not because she just doesnt go out at all unless absolutely neccesary. up until dad went into hospital my girlfriend would take mum shopping in the evening while i sit with dad. to be honest dads quality of life is awful he is very very depressed and says in his words 'he just wants to go to sleep and not wake up'. this is of course taking its toll on all of us especially mum. the social services have been in contact and discussed the possibilties of a care home but they have said we will have to tell dad about this because its not fair on him. which i totally agree with. the heart breaking thing is that dad used to say to me that he was scared that 'they' would put him in a looney bin his exact words not mine so i hope that term doesnt offend anyone. i know our tale is probablt similar to a lot of you and it is comforting to read the support that you all give. hope today was better than yesterday for you all.
Hiya Pricey,
Welcome to TP.
I know that it is very difficult and very painful, but you need to help get dad into fulltime care - for the sake of both your parents.. Reassure mum that she has done all that she can, but the time has come for dad to move home.
None of us like to think about ' the looney bin'- it's how I remember people referring to the local mental hospital when I was a child. Our parents have a disease, which is affecting their brain, and we have to ensure that they get the support and care that they need, and for some, that is a Nursing Home, or EMI unit.
Let us know how you get on. I am sure others will be able to offer support and give advie as you go through this transition.
Love Helen
Welcome to TP.
I know that it is very difficult and very painful, but you need to help get dad into fulltime care - for the sake of both your parents.. Reassure mum that she has done all that she can, but the time has come for dad to move home.
None of us like to think about ' the looney bin'- it's how I remember people referring to the local mental hospital when I was a child. Our parents have a disease, which is affecting their brain, and we have to ensure that they get the support and care that they need, and for some, that is a Nursing Home, or EMI unit.
Let us know how you get on. I am sure others will be able to offer support and give advie as you go through this transition.
Love Helen
thanks
thanks so much for your kind message. the social workers are on the case now so its just a matter of time now. i will show mum what you have said and i know it will reassure her that she has done all she can for dad. but like you say its time that dad moves house. thanks again for ur message , ill let you know how it goes. pricey
thanks so much for your kind message. the social workers are on the case now so its just a matter of time now. i will show mum what you have said and i know it will reassure her that she has done all she can for dad. but like you say its time that dad moves house. thanks again for ur message , ill let you know how it goes. pricey
my mum too
Hi to all
I am a new member trying to work through the emotions of my mums recent diagnosis of early dementia. Mum has been forgetful for some time but it was only after a hospital admission where she experience a psychotic episode that we finally realised things were more serious. I can relate to such much that the members are saying and I too have battled with the decision of whether to tell mum or not. However, when we got the diagnosis the consultant mentioned it in front of her and I think it was quite a shock. This was a few weeks ago and since then she has been very depressed and down but will not open up. We have tried so hard to keep it from her as it seemed the right thing to do. Dad is a star and looks after her so well , and my brother and I give them all the support we can. Dad brings mum over for lunch every week and I pop in and out when I can.
Mum too cannot stand any confusion and only seems to be able to concentrate on one thing. I think christmas is going to be very wierd. She recently celebrated her 80th birthday and I dont think she can even remember it but we know she enjoyed it at the time. Maybe that is all we can take from it. She is going to be put on a trial of drugs in February. We got in just before the deadline. We feel very lucky for that as I know how awful and frustrating this must be for others in a similar positionwho cannot obtain these drugs.
I am so glad to be able to express my worries and experiences with a group of people who understand.
Kind regards
Maude
Hi to all
I am a new member trying to work through the emotions of my mums recent diagnosis of early dementia. Mum has been forgetful for some time but it was only after a hospital admission where she experience a psychotic episode that we finally realised things were more serious. I can relate to such much that the members are saying and I too have battled with the decision of whether to tell mum or not. However, when we got the diagnosis the consultant mentioned it in front of her and I think it was quite a shock. This was a few weeks ago and since then she has been very depressed and down but will not open up. We have tried so hard to keep it from her as it seemed the right thing to do. Dad is a star and looks after her so well , and my brother and I give them all the support we can. Dad brings mum over for lunch every week and I pop in and out when I can.
Mum too cannot stand any confusion and only seems to be able to concentrate on one thing. I think christmas is going to be very wierd. She recently celebrated her 80th birthday and I dont think she can even remember it but we know she enjoyed it at the time. Maybe that is all we can take from it. She is going to be put on a trial of drugs in February. We got in just before the deadline. We feel very lucky for that as I know how awful and frustrating this must be for others in a similar positionwho cannot obtain these drugs.
I am so glad to be able to express my worries and experiences with a group of people who understand.
Kind regards
Maude
telling dad
hi maude
i really feel for yu and your family,i am glad that you got the medication in time its disgusting that the people from 'NICE' get to make these decisions on peoples mental health and decide against giving much needed medicine on the basis of saving £2.50. i could go on but whats the point. dad cant retain much that we tell him if anything but i am scared that he will remember when we tell him about putting him into a care home. like your dad my mum has been an angel doing all the really horrible stuff now that dad seems to not be able to do it for himself.
i hope that your mum responds to the medication and that things improve.
hi maude
i really feel for yu and your family,i am glad that you got the medication in time its disgusting that the people from 'NICE' get to make these decisions on peoples mental health and decide against giving much needed medicine on the basis of saving £2.50. i could go on but whats the point. dad cant retain much that we tell him if anything but i am scared that he will remember when we tell him about putting him into a care home. like your dad my mum has been an angel doing all the really horrible stuff now that dad seems to not be able to do it for himself.
i hope that your mum responds to the medication and that things improve.
Hi Pricey and Maude and welcome.
Pricey. I feel for you and your mum and dad, it makes it so much harder when you have to keep an eye on both. I felt bad about dad going into care, but although the social services are encouraging you to tell dad .... don't necessary take their advice. Although it may seem fair, if your dad is at mid stages it may possible help with his dignity if it is put in another way.... we always told dad he was off to the club when going to respite and he was fine to go along with this. And when he moved to the care home permanently he felt that he was joining the club long term. It really depends on your dads situation and personality. But please take a breath and think about his reaction and perhaps give him the oportunity to have a different take on things - just my humble opinion.
We were told by all the services to tell dad what was going on, but after looking back, in his case they were very wrong. If dad knew exactly what was going on he wouldn't have been going into care home. Sitting down and explaining the situation to dad would have been cruel as he would have been unable to grasp the situation and it would have just upset him.
At the end of the day, you and your mum know dad best and what will make him deal with this difficult situation.
Good luck and glad you found this place (talking point). It has been a lifeline to me at difficult times.
Kind Regards
Craig
Pricey. I feel for you and your mum and dad, it makes it so much harder when you have to keep an eye on both. I felt bad about dad going into care, but although the social services are encouraging you to tell dad .... don't necessary take their advice. Although it may seem fair, if your dad is at mid stages it may possible help with his dignity if it is put in another way.... we always told dad he was off to the club when going to respite and he was fine to go along with this. And when he moved to the care home permanently he felt that he was joining the club long term. It really depends on your dads situation and personality. But please take a breath and think about his reaction and perhaps give him the oportunity to have a different take on things - just my humble opinion.
We were told by all the services to tell dad what was going on, but after looking back, in his case they were very wrong. If dad knew exactly what was going on he wouldn't have been going into care home. Sitting down and explaining the situation to dad would have been cruel as he would have been unable to grasp the situation and it would have just upset him.
At the end of the day, you and your mum know dad best and what will make him deal with this difficult situation.
Good luck and glad you found this place (talking point). It has been a lifeline to me at difficult times.
Kind Regards
Craig
Hi Pricey
Hi Pricey
thanks so much for your kind words and support. Sounds like you have been to hell and back and I feel for you so much. All the things you have faced and are currently dealing with are those things which we all know may come but hope with all our hearts that somehow we will be immune. Isn't it so hard to know what to tell them and how much they will be able to deal with. Mum is sort of in denial but you have obvioulsy got past that stage. I think we all hurt so much for them but it is good to talk to people who are in the same predicament, I find myself questioning everything i do and wondering if i have done the right thing. Thanks again for you reply and i will be thinking of you all.
love Maude
pricey said:
Hi Pricey
thanks so much for your kind words and support. Sounds like you have been to hell and back and I feel for you so much. All the things you have faced and are currently dealing with are those things which we all know may come but hope with all our hearts that somehow we will be immune. Isn't it so hard to know what to tell them and how much they will be able to deal with. Mum is sort of in denial but you have obvioulsy got past that stage. I think we all hurt so much for them but it is good to talk to people who are in the same predicament, I find myself questioning everything i do and wondering if i have done the right thing. Thanks again for you reply and i will be thinking of you all.
love Maude
