• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

He's still fighting us , will fil ever be happy?

lori107

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
45
After much heartache we told fil last week that he was not going to be able to go back home. He cried and told us to go and not bother coming back and then in the next breath asked us when we were going to visit him again. We saw him again yesterday and made a conscious decision not to mention the flat ever again. We took him a beautiful Camelia to care for in the home's garden. We had chosen it because he had had one previously and he loved it, but it has now withered so we bought another one. Sadly, our enthusiasm and excitement for it wasn't met by his, he was completely emotionless about it and we didn't even get a thank you. We asked him what he had been up to but every time we tried to distract him onto a different subject he just went on and on (almost whiney and childlike ) about the flat and how we can't stop him going and he was going to get the law onto us , but he couldn't even tell us the address of where he lived. It was the most depressing visit and we both left feeling mentally battered and drained. Hubby said he can't keep doing this every weekend as it is so stressful and maybe the more we go the more he relates to the flat. We have arranged companionship visits twice a week where he will be taken out for coffee, ice cream etc so hopefully that will be good for him. He is well cared for in the home, safe, well fed and looks healthier than he has for months but he said he wants to commit suicide which is awful to hear. Hubby feels so guilty but he knows that he is in the right place. He needs 24 hour care, but we are getting all the blame for putting him there. He hates me and has told people who visit how awful I am and everything is my fault. Hubby hates seeing him berating me constantly but I have told him I will not stop going as he is not the fil I once knew and loved but it is very hurtful. I hate how stressed hubby is and how much it is affecting him. He has no brothers or sisters or other relatives and his mum died of liver disease in 2003, our children were only young and that was very hard for him to watch her die but I feel he is even more upset trying to cope with his dad.
I just don't know what to do to help him.
 
Last edited:

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,732
Hi Lori
I'm so sorry for you and your OH and Dad too, this is such a difficult time for all of you. How lovely to have arranged for him to go out twice a week, I hope he enjoys it and if he doesn't right now, he will in the future.
Lots of family members feel like this about care homes - I guess many of us would to be honest, it isn't ever easy to have decisions taken out of our own hands and made by someone else and I often wonder how I would feel, but the fact remains that you have done what you had to do in his best interests - and it sounds as though you have found him a lovely place to spend time and taken great care to try to make sure he is as comfortable as he can be.
We would all miss our home if we suddenly lost it and in some ways people do realise this is the last move they are likely to make so it must be very hard and emotionally very upsetting and really you are the only people he can moan to because everyone else there is in the same boat - he needs to go through this, it is really a grief process. From what you have said he is worried that you might not visit and then he thinks he would lose everything but he is deep in grief and can't stop himself battering you (shooting the messenger :( ). I don't think there is much you can do except be there. Perhaps cut your visits shorter and as you are already doing always take a distraction - old photos, a crossword, anything but I wouldn't not visit. This phase will pass as he settles in, thinking of you xxxxxx
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
I deflected the blame. The doctor said mum had to go to get looked after until she felt better and he would decide when she would go home. She eventuslly told me she was staying. She said she would be nuts to leave "such a lovely hotel". Worth a try?
 

blueboy

Registered User
Feb 21, 2015
125
I deflected the blame. The doctor said mum had to go to get looked after until she felt better and he would decide when she would go home. She eventuslly told me she was staying. She said she would be nuts to leave "such a lovely hotel". Worth a try?
That is what I plan to do tomorrow when Mum goes into a care home - partly dreading it and partly just so relieved that she will now be safe and cared for.
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
It CAN work. My mum had 9 happy months in her care home. I never said care home i said retirement hotel. He was healthier and more mobile and social than she had been for a couple of years.
 

blueboy

Registered User
Feb 21, 2015
125
It CAN work. My mum had 9 happy months in her care home. I never said care home i said retirement hotel. He was healthier and more mobile and social than she had been for a couple of years.
This is what I am hoping for - I don't think Mum has too much time left but at least she will be well looked after.