1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. Asthoreen

    Asthoreen Registered User

    Mar 31, 2015
    my partner of 27 years,Frank,was diagnosed just over a year ago with Alzheimer's .We have often had a rocky relation ship,due mostly to his alcohol abuse.Five years ago we lived apart for almost a year,during which time he stopped drinking and attended therapy sessions.When I took him back I made it clear no alcohol ever,might seem harsh but he had been aggressive and violent,I stopped drinking too to show my support,and things went well enough for a year or so.I had noticed memory lapses and confusion for a while ,but thought it was maybe due to his years of heavy drinking.He seemed to accept the eventual diagnosis although tells people he has a very mild case.For a few months I have wondered if he had been drinking on occasion,more confused than usual and argumentative,but put it down to his Alzheimer's.However,yesterday my suspicions were confirmed,he had been shopping for sweets,he said.When he returned he gave me two stickers we have been saving in Morrisons for knives,you have to spend£10 to get one so I was a bit puzzled how he got two,but he said he knew the lady on the checkout and she gave them to him as a previous customer didn't want them.Later I went through the waste bin and found his receipt ,cider and rum.I am so angry ,but have not said anything to him yet.I feel I have no choice but to ask him to leave but the thought of him facing all this alone is heartbreaking.
  2. chick1962

    chick1962 Registered User

    Apr 3, 2014
    near Folkestone
    Just read your post with sadness and did not want to leave without saying something to comfort you. I have not been in such a situation but think you have to go with what your gut feeling is telling you . Hopefully someone will be along with more advice to give . Thinking of you x

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  3. meme

    meme Registered User

    Aug 29, 2011
    Yes he has to leave...you need to look after yourself firstly...then maybe you can help with some distance between....
  4. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Same as meme he must go once an alcoholic always a alcoholic, not many are able to give it up l know it has been in my family, you will never win, you must do what you think is best for you, l am sure you will know, take care and think of yourself,
  5. bemused1

    bemused1 Registered User

    Mar 4, 2012
    Not so pamann. My husband was an alcoholic for a very large part of his life. When it became clear he had memory problems I watered his scotch, I argued with him and reduced it to about a third Gradually he reduced it himself until he got to the point where he wasn't bothered either way and eventually forgot he drank. Now he never drinks and if he is reminded in conversation he happily accepts when I tell him there is none.

    I never thought he would stop for anything. He was never a nasty drunk, always held down a good job but eventually the damage was done. He still hasn't been diagnosed but the most likely scenario was Korsakoff's.

    So don't blanket tar alcoholics. It depends whether YOU want to put the work in. I love my husband more than anything and as a reward he no longer has demons driving him. Sadly he has ever decreasing capacity but who can be sure that it is caused by alcohol I know that I want him to finish his life at peace.
  6. Badietta

    Badietta Registered User

    Feb 23, 2013
    Yes, you're so right, it is heart breaking. I watched my sister go through all of this with her husband for over 14 years. She didn't leave him but clung in there for relapse after relapse, an operation for a stent and 4 hospitalizations with pancreatitis. I can't say that he didn't try to get clean and remain sober, he did, but ultimately his addiction was more powerful than their relationship/marriage/life itself.

    I really feel for you because this is the decision from hell - to stay or go. Personally, in my sister's situation, I'd have gone (and then have had to live with that guilt) whereas she stayed and is still living with the guilt about not having been able to 'save' him. He ultimately died from it. The guilt will get you whichever decision you make and only you can decide whether to 'save' yourself now, and live with this level of guilt, or see it through to the end and end up with your life completely destroyed with absolutely nothing left.

    It's not possible to have a normal relationship with an alcoholic - their primary relationship is with the bottle. Sorry, but true.

  7. Yasmine

    Yasmine Registered User

    Apr 9, 2015
    I know from personal experience how difficult your situation is. I will spare you the details and will tell you this: You have to think of yourself first. You cannot save a drowning person by jumping into the water with them. And unfortunately, sometimes you have to let them hit bottom. They have to want to come back up, and once they're willing to do what it takes and stick to it, then you can think about holding out your hand.

    I know its hard. Stay strong!
    Good luck to you!
  8. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    n ireland
    I was married at 20 to someone who was an alcoholic. I was young and naive. We rowed, I left, he vowed to stop, I went back, everything was great for a while and then it started again . He couldn't stop it, no matter what. It went like this for 4 or 5 years then I just couldn't do it anymore. Any love I had was dead, all I felt was anger and pity. I had to leave. He lost his job, his home and was dead at 33 about 4 years after I left. It surprised me how sad the news of his death made me, even though by then I was remarried.

    It was hard but I deserved better..and so do you! Good luck with what you decide

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