1. Cheekycow

    Cheekycow Registered User

    Feb 8, 2016
    15
    I tell my brother (who lives with my mother) that I'm going away for two months and he gets angry because he supposedly cancelled his travel plans because he felt he didn't want to be away from mum (I would have moved in with her during this time) and says I should do the same.
    How do you deal with a difference of opinion about how to continue your own life when dementia affects someone you love?
    I feel that mum wouldn't want me to put my life on hold waiting for the inevitable. She has travelled the world during her life, was always away.
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    8,088
    Yorkshire
    Hi Cheekycow
    at least you're up front with each other
    it's tough when you see things at polar opposites (fallen out big time in my situation, but dad's fine so I trundle on)
    maybe say again and again that if he wants to travel you will support him in that - if he doesn't, maybe offer some weekends when you take over and he can have a weekend break away
    maybe make sure he has an increased care package in place to support him so he's not left holding the fort alone for the month (I have been left in that position for 2 weeks without notice and it did rankle)
    maybe you just have to accept that you each have a different view and get on with it - if he made his choice freely, you can't be held responsible for that
    no answer; sorry :(
     
  3. jknight

    jknight Registered User

    Oct 23, 2015
    786
    Hampshire
    Just out of interest, how much care do you provide for your mum? Your brother lives in and, I guess, is the primary care giver. I can understand that he is upset at the thought of you going away for two months. Caring is exhausting.
     
  4. Cheekycow

    Cheekycow Registered User

    Feb 8, 2016
    15
    I used to have mum visit with me for weeks at a time but the last visit ( which was about a month ago) was very unsettling for her, she only stayed for a week.
    I was going down to visit her tomorrow to spend some time with her before I go away but my brother has just got her to phone me to tell me not to go as she might not be there tomorrow just because he's angry about me going away.
    How can someone do that?
     
  5. copsham

    copsham Registered User

    Oct 11, 2012
    586
    Oxfordshire
    So difficult!

    As I wrote the title referring to this disease I thought everything about this disease is impossible what ever you do.

    Your brother is brilliant to support your mother in the way that he is. However she may be around for a long time yet so he needs to think about his own support strategies.

    You need to do what you need to do but plan ahead and ensure brother has breathing space around your travels.It sounds like your brother is really hurt as well as exhausted

    As the main caring one for my mother I am mostly on my own with it but I would not want it any other way. Things go up and down.

    Please give your brother, or at least offer him, some care by you before you are off on your holiday and plan some as soon as you are back.

    All the best
     
  6. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    619
    Scotland
    Hi cheeky cow . I take it you gave him plenty of notice that you were going away for 2 months ? I am the main care giver for my mum and have had very little in the way of holidays, but have to endure listening to my siblings planning theirs , and yes I have asked on several occasions for a break but only get the odd weekend . So I can see why your brother is upset , though if you had consulted him in your plans then he should be accepting of the fact that you would like to travel . Maybe when you come back you can offer him the same opportunity , that way it's fair for both of you . Hope you have a lovely time on your travels . Best wishes , Lou
     

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