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Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
We have been married 30 years, together about 40. Sometime last summer, my husband told me his wife had gone in the night, seemingly to her sisters, and taken his money with her. I have spent hours since, trying to convince him his money is not missing, and have managed to laugh off the fact that his wife had disappeared and I had slotted into her place. A few months ago, he told me she had died!! I listen to stories about her and he often refers to his wife, in a very matter of fact way.
Today, over lunch he asked me who I was? Seemingly he didn’t know me and I wasn’t as nice as the other one who had been here. Don’t know what I did wrong, today!! I try and smile and be nice most of the time!! Is this something anyone else has come across? I put up with rebuilding our relationship once, I’m not sure I have the energy to start again as number 3!!!!
I’ve been feeling a bit down today anyway. Our 30 year anniversary is in April and it made me sad to think he has no recollection of all the good times we’ve had and we will have nothing to share on the day.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
We have been married 30 years, together about 40. Sometime last summer, my husband told me his wife had gone in the night, seemingly to her sisters, and taken his money with her. I have spent hours since, trying to convince him his money is not missing, and have managed to laugh off the fact that his wife had disappeared and I had slotted into her place. A few months ago, he told me she had died!! I listen to stories about her and he often refers to his wife, in a very matter of fact way.
Today, over lunch he asked me who I was? Seemingly he didn’t know me and I wasn’t as nice as the other one who had been here. Don’t know what I did wrong, today!! I try and smile and be nice most of the time!! Is this something anyone else has come across? I put up with rebuilding our relationship once, I’m not sure I have the energy to start again as number 3!!!!
I’ve been feeling a bit down today anyway. Our 30 year anniversary is in April and it made me sad to think he has no recollection of all the good times we’ve had and we will have nothing to share on the day.
I feel for you @Vitesse. My partner of 17 years (we never got married though he's asked me a couple of times to marry him since having Alzheimer's) asked me the other night, very seriously, if he had a wife? I didn't know what to say. He asked to visit his mum and dad the other week, he's 76 and they died years ago. You're probably just wasting your energy trying to convince your husband that you're his wife. I'm at the stage I just nod and agree with everything he says - he's always telling people he was a pilot, after my piano lesson today he told me he used to do that when he was young and if we see divers on TV he'll say that used to be his job. He did dive as a hobby and he also had a couple of flying lessons, the truth gets so distorted in their minds.
The anniversaries are very sad times aren't they. Seeing all the Valentine cards in the shops reminded me that we used to swap cards - maybe it's a relief not to have to bother anymore, escaping the materialism and commercialism of that particular day. You could celebrate your anniversary anyway if you wanted to but maybe like me you'll think what's the point!!
 

Stayingalive

Registered User
Nov 24, 2019
23
I find this happens a lot. My husband can be talking to me one minute, then he goes out 'for a walk', and I get a text from my daughter who lives nearby telling me that her Dad's been there saying he doesn't know where I've gone. She send him back. Then he sits in the lounge sometimes and asks me very politely if I live in the village, am I local? Sometimes it's really hard to persuade him not to leave the house to go looking for 'his wife' when I'm standing right in front of him. Family photos don't help, telling him the I'm his wife doesn't help, so in the end I just try to distract him with a cup of tea of something to eat. Distraction usually means he forgets what he was going to do. We've been together for 51 years, married for 44 years, and when he doesn't know me at all it brings tears to my eyes, but there's no point as he can't help it. It's lovely that he cares so much about me that he's frantic when he thinks I've gone and wants to go out to search for me. He usually knows who I am the next day, but I know that there will come a time when he forgets me completely. No point in trying to build a relationship as the new woman in his life, whatever you say will be forgotten tomorrow.
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
I find this happens a lot. My husband can be talking to me one minute, then he goes out 'for a walk', and I get a text from my daughter who lives nearby telling me that her Dad's been there saying he doesn't know where I've gone. She send him back. Then he sits in the lounge sometimes and asks me very politely if I live in the village, am I local? Sometimes it's really hard to persuade him not to leave the house to go looking for 'his wife' when I'm standing right in front of him. Family photos don't help, telling him the I'm his wife doesn't help, so in the end I just try to distract him with a cup of tea of something to eat. Distraction usually means he forgets what he was going to do. We've been together for 51 years, married for 44 years, and when he doesn't know me at all it brings tears to my eyes, but there's no point as he can't help it. It's lovely that he cares so much about me that he's frantic when he thinks I've gone and wants to go out to search for me. He usually knows who I am the next day, but I know that there will come a time when he forgets me completely. No point in trying to build a relationship as the new woman in his life, whatever you say will be forgotten tomorrow.
So sorry for you all who've been with your spouses all those years for it to end like this, it's beyond cruel.
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
739
Basingstoke, Hampshire
So sorry for you all who've been with your spouses all those years for it to end like this, it's beyond cruel.
We had our Golden wedding anniversary last March. I could have said "we celebrated our Golden wedding anniversary last March" but there was no celebration. The day meant nothing to him. What hurts is the plans that we had for our retirement, all the things we were going to do once we didn't have to worry about work. If I'd know what was ahead I'd have lived my working life fuller. I feel like shouting to the world "get out and enjoy your life while you can".
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
We had our Golden wedding anniversary last March. I could have said "we celebrated our Golden wedding anniversary last March" but there was no celebration. The day meant nothing to him. What hurts is the plans that we had for our retirement, all the things we were going to do once we didn't have to worry about work. If I'd know what was ahead I'd have lived my working life fuller. I feel like shouting to the world "get out and enjoy your life while you can".
@jenniferjean I hope you'll get chance to carry out some of your retirement plans, even if it's alone or perhaps with a friend. I'm having a feeling sorry for myself day today as you'll see from my post 'What's the point'!!!
 

Vitesse

Registered User
Oct 26, 2016
187
Thanks to you all for your responses. I had come to terms with it until today. I’ve had questions in the last few months like ‘have you been married’ and I just go along with it. He even shows me photos of our wedding, but has no idea it was me!! It was just today when he asked me ‘who are you?’ That I thought I couldn’t face it again. Of course, I will. Like all of you, I know it’s the dementia speaking, but it is heartbreaking all the same!! He told me today I didn’t seem as nice as the other one.! By that time, I had helped him shower and dress, picked him up off the floor when he fell, repaired his favourite chair, given him lunch. Not quite sure why I wasn’t nice!!!!!
 

White Rose

Registered User
Nov 4, 2018
540
Thanks to you all for your responses. I had come to terms with it until today. I’ve had questions in the last few months like ‘have you been married’ and I just go along with it. He even shows me photos of our wedding, but has no idea it was me!! It was just today when he asked me ‘who are you?’ That I thought I couldn’t face it again. Of course, I will. Like all of you, I know it’s the dementia speaking, but it is heartbreaking all the same!! He told me today I didn’t seem as nice as the other one.! By that time, I had helped him shower and dress, picked him up off the floor when he fell, repaired his favourite chair, given him lunch. Not quite sure why I wasn’t nice!!!!!
Mine's always saying in his best feeling sorry for myself voice 'no one looks after me'!
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
459
Mid Lincs
Heartbreaking isn't it. I am grateful for the fact that 98% of the time he knows who I am the other 2% he thinks I'm his mum but I can live with that, he had a great relationship with her.
I get down on my birthday because he has no idea of the day and doesn't connect the cards I do get with my day so always ends up a non event. I feel sad because he always bought such beautiful cards.
We will have been married 25 yrs in March, I always thought a cruise would be nice to celebrate it but it's just not to be, so again it will be another non event.

@jenniferjean I know what you mean my OH was diagnosed within 12mths of losing my mum and she had dementia for 20yrs. I used to dream about the places we would go to once she was gone. I just feel the majority of my life has been given over to caring.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,412
So sorry for you all who've been with your spouses all those years for it to end like this, it's beyond cruel.
Yes, thank you. It's important to remember that how we end up, as it were, is not how we lived, and to try to hold that whole narrative.
With love, kindredx
 

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