1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. wiggy

    wiggy Registered User

    May 18, 2009
    95
    cambs
    I joined this forum a few years ago when my mum had dementia. She died 6 years ago. Now I am here again to support my husband and family. Husbands mum has dementia aged 80. She lives with her husband who is 88. we both work full time and help where we can. Hubby baths his mum twice a week, and we visit over the weekend. It's so different from my mum.....I have only known this family for two years, and I made all the decisions with my brother. Husbands dad does not want anyone else involved, but in our eyes they really do need help. Can I and should I go over everyone's head and contact adult social care? Husband is so frustrated and I can only imagine how his dad feels, but he is scared she will be taken straight into care. We have really tried to explain to him she won't? what would you do.....Many thanks in advance x
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    Hi wiggy :)

    I think it has to be your husband's call. You can support & advise but it's up to him.
     
  3. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    Hi wiggy, I'm so very sorry that dementia has come into your life again. I can understand the dilemma you're in and really feel for you.

    I'm not sure, though, that going over your husband's and father in law's heads is the way to go. I can totally identify with your feelings of frustration though, as a few years ago I was sorely tempted to do the same when my mam was being violent towards my dad and he was just accepting it and hiding it from her consultant and CPN. However, as justified as I felt it would be, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, and as that phase is now long gone I'm so very glad that I didn't as it might have damaged my relationship with dad, and I couldn't live with that.

    I don't really have any advice to give other than tell you my own experience and to let you know how much I empathise with your situation.
     
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,436
    Yorkshire
    I tend to agree that at the moment you may need to watch and wait - supporting as much as you are able (clearly you do that) and not pushing your fil or he may just kick against you and not accept any help at all. If your OH also feels frustrated it's really up to him to make the moves when he feels he can.
    Maybe you could, in the background, start compiling useful things/lists of what may be helpful - contact details, forms etc so that when your fil is ready you can swing into action. Eg write regular notes of mil's behaviour and your concerns so that a written record is on hand when he wants to contact GP SS etc.
    Would it be too obvious to accidentally leave some useful booklets lying around after your next visit?
    Will he complete LPAs and check on his will - all the legal stuff - maybe you and OH could do this for yourselves and ask him for 'advice' so that he feels more in control and it isn't odd for him to complete their own.
    Same with AA and CA if appropriate - my dad would apply for anything financial seeing it as sound fiscal management and his due after paying tax etc all his life - but took much longer to accept help from cleaner, carer etc.
    Maybe introduce a cleaner 'friend', (someone who is happy to make a cuppa and chat too?) who would give him more time with his wife, or for himself, just to get those pesky domestic chores out of the way once a week - it may open his door to carers
    [I still have blank AA forms downloaded if they would help - you can fill them in and them just copy out when he is ready]
    Dare I say, maybe with OH visit some care homes so that you are up to date on what is around and can reassure your fil if/when that stage is reached.
    You've probably thought of all this ...
    One last idea - might you introduce him to TP? Just happen to leave your laptop open on a particularly appropriate thread and see if he takes the bait - or tell him what a godsend TP was for you?
    All the best!
     
  5. wiggy

    wiggy Registered User

    May 18, 2009
    95
    cambs
    Thanks

    Thanks for the advice and comments. I have tried to help and seem to be getting nowhere. I have decided to sit back and wait for the next crisis to happen, then hopefully something will happen to help everyone.
     
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    It's so very hard, isn't it? I hope that the crisis, when it comes, is not too bad, but just enough to ensure that something is done to help you all.

    xx
     
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,436
    Yorkshire
    They are both fortunate to have you and OH watching over them - even if they don't know that yet. With CollegeGirl, I hope the tipping point is manageable.
    Best wishes
     

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