1. JHD

    JHD Registered User

    Apr 30, 2007
    Reading Berkshire
    Can anyone help me out there?

    My mother, who has been a bit forgetful and eccentric for a couple of years has suddenly deteriorated, after a spell in hospital. She is now in a nursing home (10 days) and diagnosed with dementia. I really don't know how to manage my own feelings. I am being strong and logical, externally, because I am the main carer and decison maker, but inside I am losing it. My job is demanding and I live 50 miles away from the home but visit regularly.

    My mother has become quite a different person very quickly. She is in turn agitated, aggressive, pleasant, confused and emotional. She doesn't understand what is happening to her and isn't able to assimilate where she now is.

    The home is good, with caring staff and pleasant facilities but I cannot escape a sense of great guilt that she is in a home and I also feel concerned about the other patients around her, as generally their conditions are far worse and I don't know if this is affecting her.

    I just fear that I have done the wrong thing - Even thought I know she wouldn't cope on her own, I feel massive anxiety about her well being and happiness.

  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    just like to say welcome , am sure someone will pop in soon with good advice in how to help you , as My mother still at home with me
  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi JHD

    Its easy to say don't worry but its such a negative feeling, you've done the right thing for you and your mum, you've made sure she is safe and well cared for, the guilt is something you learn to live with but its understandable that you'll feel anxious and unsettled, give it time, hopefully your mum will settle into her new surroundings and it will ease the burden on you.

    Hope all goes well.
    Love Alex x
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
  5. 88alli

    88alli Registered User

    Jan 11, 2007
    Hi JHD

    Just wanted to say hello. I haven't been on here for quite a while, I've been feeling way too low with everything. I just want to say to you, do not feel guilty in anyway about the position you are in. You live too far away, you know she is being well looked after by qualified people. I know it is easy for others to say to you not to feel guilty, we all do wether we are battling to look after our loved ones or wether they are in care homes. We are human and I guess we all feel 'is there something else we could do'. The fact is there really isn't. There is no betterness for this cruel illness. My Mother-in Law has been in the lucky position of being offered Aricept straight away. I do not want to seem ungrateful, as I work in the NHS and I know it is a lottery as to wether treatment is offered or not, but in my MILs case she has got worse mentally and the side effects of the drug is terrible. We know it won't be long before we will have to put her house up for sale and have her go into care. Please don't feel guilt, you really have no need to. There gets to be a time when we can't cope any longer, unless I am just a weak person. (didn't think I was until lately!!).
    Hope I haven't bored you, and that what I have wrote makes a little sense!!
    Take care, we are all in the same boat.
    Love Diane:(
  6. blue sea

    blue sea Registered User

    Aug 24, 2005
    You have done all the right things, JHD, but it is so hard, I know, not to feel guilty. Unfortunately a hospital stay often seems to exacerbate the progression of dementia. I went through very similar emotions when I had to put dad in a care home. It is all such a turbulent mixture isn't it? The anger at the illness, the feeling of loss of your mother as you had known her, the reversal of roles, the fear of how the illness will progress, the fear of all the responsibility of the decisions you have to take. I would say, cope with a day at a time. Let the emotions out on this board, or with close friends / family, or under the duvet - whatever will help you get through. Your mother is in a safe place, being looked after 24 hours a day. You visit her as much as you can. You cannot do more. You are showing your love for her in every decision you take, every visit, every time you think of her, every time you feel like crying. Let the tears fall. We are all in this or have been through this and we all share your grief. Try not to let the illness destroy all your own happiness in life.
    I have also sent you a private message.
    Blue sea
  7. blackburn

    blackburn Registered User

    Feb 20, 2007
    North East
    Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My mother deteriorated mentally during a stay in hospital. She was also diagnosed with VaD and assessed as needing 24 hour residential care.

    She has now been in a residential care home for 6 weeks where only the one floor is for people with her type of "problem". I often say that she is the most sane person on her floor and I too got very concerned that she didn't seem to have anyone she could have a reasonable conversation with.

    I have now been told that she has a wonderful calming effect on the other residents. If they get agitated or upset she just goes over to them and puts her arm around them and calms them down. I am told that this helps her because she feels "helpful".

    I can well understand the "guilt" you are feeling as I am still going through that journey but at the end of the day what can be better than 24 hour care for someone you love.

    Take care.

  8. CraigC

    CraigC Registered User

    Mar 21, 2003
    Hi JHD,

    Guilt is soul destroying, but it is hard to get away from it in my humble opinion. With both mum and dad in care I get a dose of it everyday even when people tell me that there is nothing else I can do. Guilt is part of human nature and it just goes down to how you deal with it - don't let it eat you up is my advice.
    That is great news. Having a good home with caring staff is so important.
    And I wouldn't worry about having people with conditions that are far worse. It probably won't concern you mother as much as it concerns you. In my experience it impossible to find a home where every resident is at the same stage. The important thing is that your mother is safe and cared for.

    Good luck and glad you posted here - its good to share these feelings.
    Kind Regards

    SHANDY Registered User

    Jan 24, 2007
    Hi Jhd

    Just to say i understand what you are going through, my mom moved into a nursing home 3 months ago, most of the people are more advanced in the illness than my mom. now all of sudden she can't stand the other residents around her, she has become quite aggressive towards them, and i too am scaird that she is becoming as advanced as the other poor people, unfortunately, she can't get away from them until we take her out on saturdays.

    i too feel the guilt.
  10. Natashalou

    Natashalou Registered User

    Mar 22, 2007


    hospital..nursing home...deterioration..guilt. It isnt easy and it doesnt get better.
    i have made a decision to stop seeing my mother. It doesnt help the guilt but I kind of felt like I did years ago escaping from an abusive partner. It was my sanity or hers.

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