1. NicNak

    NicNak Registered User

    Jan 9, 2007
    3
    Surrey
    Hi There,
    My sister is melbee, she told me about this webiste,
    As my sister has explained in her messages, our mum has alzheimers.
    Please can some-one help me & give me some advice, as I do not know how to handle my mum, I don't know what to do, it s so frustrating, I feel so helpless, she gets so aggressive, is there anythng I can do to make my life easy to except the situation ?
    Thanks
    NicNak
    :confused:
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya NicNak,
    Welcome to TP. Can you explain a bit more about the problems you are having (if not we will all be madly flicking to see what melbee said). Aggression is really difficult, especially when all you are trying to do is help.
    Love Helen
     
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya again,
    Just had a quick look at a couple of your sisters posts, you poor thing - you really have been going through it.
    How to accept the situation? Well you have no choice really, do you? Mum has been diagnosed with this illness, and it must be a terrible shock for you. But what choices do you have? Try to ignore the diagnosis, keep things normal, which will inevitably lead to tension, because mum's brain is nolonger receiving and sending the proper messages - she won't be able to think logically, she won't react to things as she used to. The alternative is to try and join her in her ever changing world - at times it is like playing a game. She is still your mum. Have you had a good relationship in the past? If you have, you don't want to lose that - you still want to be able to enjoy mum's company. If you have not, many people find that things actually improve.
    I might be totally missing the point here - just making stabs in the dark. I think the fact that you have posted on here tonight is a sign that you are accepting the illness - so well done - it can't have been easy.
    Love Helen
     
  4. NicNak

    NicNak Registered User

    Jan 9, 2007
    3
    Surrey
    Hi Helen,
    This is so had to do, I have never written done my feelings before like this.
    Yesterday I suggested to her about having her eyes tested, as I need mine done, and her answer was 'dont keep having a go at me' !!, It was only a suggestion.
    When we took her home, we ended up arguing with her, and mum told us to go away.
    :confused:
     
  5. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hi,
    I know, I was awful at it to start with - but it gets easier. The thing is, this is how a lot of us manage to cope with our feelings. We are all in similar boats - so no-one on here is shocked by anything.
    How aware is mum of her illness? It sounds as though she might be quite scared at present. How did it end up in an argument?
    Helen
     
  6. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Welcome to TP
    It is very difficult to come to terms with a diagnosis like this, and there is going to be a period of mourning. It can help (well it helped me) to read as much as possible about this condition. The factsheets (top left of your screen) are a good place to start. Having said that, we always say here (altogether now) "when you've seen one Alzheimer's sufferer you've seen one Alzheimer's sufferer". In other words, everyone's experience is different, sometimes from moment to moment. I sometimes find it helps to focus on the practicalities of the situation, rather than focus on my own feelings, but your mileage may vary.

    Jennifer
     
  7. NicNak

    NicNak Registered User

    Jan 9, 2007
    3
    Surrey
    Hi Helen,
    I dont think mum realises that see is ill, if she does, I don't think she wants to except it, she is a very strong willed lady,
    Not really sure how the argement started, but Mel & I had to walk away before it even more heated. I have not spoken to mum today, as she has been at her day centre today
    I am at the moment, signed off work with stress.
    NicNak
    :(
     
  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    My mum used to say that it was just normal aging - she tried to comfort me when I was worried. She never admitted to having a long term problem - I don't know if she did realise what was wrong or not. I don't think that there is anything wrong in mum not accepting there is a long term problem - it must be such a terrible thing to face.

    The good thing is that you and Mel have one another - you need to keep that strong, to face the future together, to make decisions together.
    You need to look after your own health; unwell you will be no good to anyone, your husband, children, sister, mum.

    You did the right thing, walking away before the argument escalated. Hopefully mum will have forgotten about it next time you see her. You must put it behind you too. You mention that mum will go to daycare - does mum accept advice/help more easily from outsiders - if so the GP, socialworker etc may be of help when you need to address problems.
    Love Helen
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,560
    Kent
    Hi NikNak, All this aggression from your mother sounds just like the aggression I had from my husband when he was still fighting for his independence. He knew his diagnosis but didn`t understand what it really meant [and still doesn`t]. He was convinced he could make himself better if he put his mind to it. Do you think your mum is like that.
    It is harder when it is your parent. They are used to telling you what to do, they consider themselves older and wiser and are not receptive to taking advice from their children.
    When it`s your husband or wife, you are on an equal footing. Neither is wiser or more experienced.
    Your mother still feels she doesn`t need you to remind her to have her eyes tested, for example. When she was well, it probably wouldn`t have bothered her, but now she`s fighting, to retain her self respect and dignity.
    All I can suggest is you try to imagine how you would feel if your daughter suddenly tried to take over your life. I know you`re not doing that, but your mother might see it like that.
    If you have anything to say, think first about how it may sound to her. I know how hard that will be, but it`s better than having a big flare up.
    Because I`m saying these things, don`t think I`m able to do them all the time. Sometimes I can and sometimes I lose it and flare up myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn`t.
    Today, my husband told me I am mollycoddling him and making him worse. According to him, he`s leaving me tomorrow and going to get a flat, stand on his own feet and get himself better. This is what I have to listen to when I`m breaking my back, trying to make things as easy as possible for him.
    So I`ve told him to go, with my blessing, knowing he`ll have forgotten it by tomorrow, if he hasn`t forgotten already. I`ve taken myself into another room for some peace. This is action I can recommend, when your mum gets too much for you.
    Take care, love Sylvia
     
  10. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    1,170
    Australia
    Sometimes humour will work. If you can (and I DO know how hard it is to do this) you could try to "joke" the person out of the current problem.
    Only you and MelB will know if this might work with your Mum.

    My Mum was complaining that none of her trousers fit, so I bought her 4 new pairs and brought them home for her approval. Then I had them all shortened to the correct length. When I delivered them to Mum she complained that she had "too many clothes and wouldn't wear all of them before she died".

    So I said "Oh dear! You must be planning to shuffle off much sooner than I thought! I can wear 4 different pairs of pants in a week!" (Not hilarious I know, but the best I could manage!) After giving a grudging grin, she started talking about something else.

    I find if I can make a (silly) joke about something or even gently pull her leg, she will often accept things. Recently she lost her teeth (still not foud!!) and I was looking for them everywhere. She got cross when I looked in her big chair, saying "I've looked there! Don't bother!" So I said "OK, but don't blame me if they pop up and bite you on the bum!" (big grin to show I'm joking). "Oh all right then, I s'pose I might have missed them" was her response.

    As I said, only you will know if this will work with your Mum. So far, Mum's AD has not advanced to the point where she can't understand humour (altho' more sophisticated humour is now beyond her) and so this approach works for me.

    I find it also helps to stop ME taking things to seriously or getting too "hot under the collar" myself.

    Good Luck! Nell
     

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