1. Caro28

    Caro28 Registered User

    Nov 12, 2006
    1
    manchester
    I am new to this but wanted to write as I am finding it very difficult to cope. My Mother is 69 and was diagnosed with alzheimers 2 years ago. I know that she is getting worse and I feel that every time I am coping better with her condition she deteriorates.

    There is so many things I could say I don't know where to start. I suppose the main things at the moment are her constant phone calls. On Friday she rang me over 100 times something i just cant cope with. I only have a mobile phone so I normally answer the first three calls. I try to reassure her and chat to her. By the third call I tell her i am working but I will call her that evening. She continues to call me. I ignore the calls and put the phone on silent. This does not make me feel any better as now I just feel gulity and like I am deserting her. It also makes me so sad to think of her on her own just trying to contact me. Sometimes I do answer and end up screaming at her to just leave me alone, she denies that she has even rung. Thenn I feel so guilty that I have shouted at her. Does anyone have any advice?

    Something else I worry about is the fact that she lives alone and I worry about her constantly. She has carers (3 a day) but I know there is times that she leaves doors open and I worry that someone may harm her. She spends a lot of the day in bed sometimes refusing to get up and I also found her wandering in the street the other day. She would flatly refuse to go into any kind of home or sheltered housing and I do think she would be out of place as in many ways she is ok. She also has a dog whom she adores and she would not be able to take him with her. Should she still be at home?

    I would really welcome any advice or just to chat to people in a similar situation.

    Caroline.
     
  2. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Caroline,
    Welcome to TP.
    I think you have to ask yourself, do you believe that your mum is safe, or a danger to herself or others? If the latter, then maybe you do have to look for options other than her living alone.
    You cannot answer the phone every time that it rings - but knowing that isn't going to make you fel any better about it. I think guilt and sadness are just two of the things that we as relatives have to learn to live with.
    I'm sure others will soon come up with ideas.
    Love Helen
     
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,417
    What Helen said - guilt at not being there all the time, either physically or emotionally, goes with the territory. Something I did want to mention, is that when I was looking at various places for my mother, not all of them automatically excluded pets - you may be surprised. It would definitely have been a sticking point for my mother had her pets not pre-deceased her.

    Jennifer
    (Who has done her share of shouting and feeling guilty about it).
     
  4. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi Caroline

    Welcome to tp.........i'm sure you'll find it a great support!

    I agree with Amy.........i think its part of our responsibility to ensure our loved ones are safe, and if you fear she is not, then its time to seek help regardless of your mums refusal. Easier said than done......i know!

    I spend most of my day and night avoiding phonecalls from employee's or calls to do with business (all unimportant of course!) but if i answered them all i would be hassled 24 hours a day!...........i have two mobiles, that way people can leave messages and i return the important calls.........the other phone i keep for friends and family............the only consolation is that if your mum can't remember ringing you, then she won't remember you did not answer, so try not to feel too guilty!

    I hope you manage to work something out as it sounds as though its putting you under a lot of pressure.

    Love Alex x
     
  5. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    1,370
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Caroline

    Welcome to TP, you have found the right place for support, TP saved my sanity.

    I can totally relate to your post. Before mum went into a NH in September, in the last 1/4 my brother counted up on her phone bill that she had phoned me over 480 times day and night. It drove me nuts, I used to get soooo frustrated with the Groundhog day conversations, and yep, if I didn't answer, the guilt monster sat firmly on my shoulder, I even used to open my front door, ring the bell, and tell mum someone had come to see me just to get off the phone!!! and of course she hadn't remembered she had already spoken to me dozens of times before that day. Caroline, there isn't any answer to this one I'm sorry, you just do the best you can, grit your teeth and cope the best you can. Sometimes I used to unplug the phone for an hour or so, that sometimes helped.

    On the NH front, Alex, Jennifer and Helen have all got very valid points about your mums safety. I never in a million years thought mum would agree to going into a NH, but with the help of the CPN and Social Worker, she eventually agreed to it, it was a long fraught haul, but we got there in the end. I think you need to do some research into what's available, Jennifer is right, some NH will take pets, even if it's not going to happen in the short term, at least you have a plan, and have looked into the possibilites for yourself, the NH where mum now lives is fab, not that mum would ever agree, but thats another story!!

    I feel for you, try to keep postive, which I know all too well is easier said than done.

    Take care
    Cate
     
  6. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    1,665
    Hi Caroline

    Just another thought............when my partner was moved to the re-hab department of a major city hospital they encouraged the relatives to bring the patients pets in to visit and even had there own resident ward dog ..............i often took our 2 chow chows in to visit.............so i'm sure that lots of nursing homes will at least allow pets to visit.

    Love Alex x
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    There was a woman with a cat in the respite home where my mother went, but she (cat's owner) didn't like others going in to see the cat.
     
  8. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,666
    Kent
    Hi Caroline, Your post really took me back to my mother and her phone calls. She too phoned me day and night, asking what dsay it was what time it was etc. etc. She even phoned in the middle of the night to ask how long it would be till morning.

    I had a complaint from the Police, because she would dial 999 to ask the time.

    She lived in Bury, Gtr. Manchester. She was provided with Day Care, from Monday -Friday, was picked up by transport and brought home in the evening. It gave me freedom during the day, at work.

    It also bridged the gap between independent living and the eventual time for her to go into residential care.

    Try to find out what`s available. Social Services arranged Day Care for my mother.

    All the best Sylvia
     

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