Hi this is my first contact. My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about two and a half years ago. I have managed to cope but of late things have changed so much. Every day the only thing that she wants is her sister and her Brothers who have all passed away and she also wants her Mother and to go home to where she lived before we were married, she can be quite nasty with me and suspects me that I want her money, she keeps packing clothes into a shopping bag saying that she is going home to her Mother, this can be at 0200hrs and she will not come back to bed, this happens most weeks and I don't know how to deal with the problem. We have no family so there is no one that I can get help from, so called friends don't want to know, I suppose they have got fed up with listening to the same story about diving which I gather she did in 1949 when she was at school I am at the end of my tether and sometimes feel like walking away. I hope that now I have put things down on paper I might feel better.
Help
- Thread starter Josh60
- Start date
Welcome to TP @Josh60
I think you may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
I think you may find this thread helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Welcome to TP from me too, Josh. Being on your own with a partner who has dementia is very hard, I know that from experience. IF you can arrange a care needs assessment and a carers assessment, tell them you need some help with care and with a few hours respite at the very least. The few hours to myself while OH has a befriender round, and half a day while she is at day centre are a lifeline.
Hi Josh, so sorry to hear of your problems. My situation is similar. Unfortunately I can only offer sympathy. My wife was diagnosed 4 years ago and recently her symptoms have worsened quite a bit. Whenever things don't suit her she picks up her big handbag filled to bursting with a few of her possessions and says she is going home, meaning her childhood home. She constantly talks about going to see her Dad who passed away over 30 years ago. Fortunately it doesn't happen too often during the middle of the night. My only tactic is to try and distract her or offer to make a cuppa. I'm sure that like you there are many more issues that you also have to contend with. Are you able to get any respite at all? Until recently I felt I could do everything myself but I have realised that I could only carry on if I had some time to myself. It's a small step but I now have a carer who comes in for 2 hours twice a week. I use the time to go to my local swimming pool. I come back recharged ready to go again but also quite unexpectedly when I return my wife usually greets me with a smile which is a real bonus. I'm sure other users will reply with some more practical advice in the meantime I think just writing the issues down does help, so keep in touch.
Hi. Thanks for your reply. A few weeks ago I was offered for my wife to have some day care but she refused to even talk about it so as far as know that was the end of it. I have no idea who gave the offer as I have been snowed under with info. I really don't know what I would do with a bit of time off but I know that I need to have some.
I'm sorry you are already snowed under with info and sounding desperate for some respite, Josh. The only other thing I can think off that might help, is if you’d like to talk to someone, you can call the Alzheimers Society helpline on 0300 222 1122. It's open 9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday, 9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday, 10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday. You can also email them at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
Hi, just an idea and it helped when we arranged for my mum to go to a day care centre.
Tell your wife her friends at the club she used to go to have been asking when she will be going back as they miss her.
A little love lie is worth a try.
Sadly, I could no longer cope caring for my Mum and she is now in residential care even though she went to day care a few times a week. It was the nighttime wandering etc that I couldn't cope with in the end. Good luck
Thanks for this link. I found it very helpful.I resolved to put the advice into practice today, best day I've had for a long time, with not a cross word although I did have to count to ten on a couple of occasions. I'll try again tomorrow, hopefully it's the start of an upward spiral.
The bag packing, wanting to go home at 2 am, wanting to meet up with dead siblings all are so familiar. This together with wandering were common at the worst of times with my husband.
The anti depressant drug Trazodone was given to calm him down in gradually increasing doses and has suited him very well. We rarely have those earlier symptoms now. Daycare keeps him occupied and has been a godsend. Your wife would almost certainly enjoy it if you can get it established.
The anti depressant drug Trazodone was given to calm him down in gradually increasing doses and has suited him very well. We rarely have those earlier symptoms now. Daycare keeps him occupied and has been a godsend. Your wife would almost certainly enjoy it if you can get it established.
Thanks for your message. I will have try and find out who I can speak to about getting some day care and what the cost will be. I was offered day care for her but at that time my wife said no so I had let it go and unfortunately I can't remember who it was who offered it, at the time I was snowed under with people contacting me.
Josh I know about the overwhelming amount of information you get at this stage. I used an A4 diary to record daily what was going on and any appointments etc. At the back of the diary I kept a record of everyone I dealt with either who came to the house or that we had to visit. I listed name and job title, organisation eg NHS, Social Services, Alz Scotland etc. I always got their phone number so I could ring back and get the right person without getting the run around.
Your day care may be run by the local authority as ours is or by one of the churches or charities. Do you have a Community Psychiatric Nurse /CPN who could help you sort this out?
Your day care may be run by the local authority as ours is or by one of the churches or charities. Do you have a Community Psychiatric Nurse /CPN who could help you sort this out?
I feel that there is no one to help, I feel so alone. My wife won't go to any of the coffee places and when we go out which is every day she is not at all bad but as soon as we het home everything changes and she is so upset, talking to herself crying and saying that I don't care and that I don't want her and if she dosnt get her own way she says such terrible things about me, it's so hard. I have sent e mails to the local Alzheimer's Society and have had no reply, I don't feel that there is anyone out there to help, I am at the end of my tether not knowing what to do. Sorry if this is the wrong way to contact but I don't seem to be able to post in any other way.
You need to contact Adult Social Services. They are the ones who can put things like Day Care, carers or sitters/befrienders in place. If your wife does not want to discuss things, don't discuss them with her, just put them in place, then get her there under a pretext. You need to get tough if you don't want to drown.
Sorry you are having such a hard time and don't feel you are getting the support you need, Josh. Have you tried calling the helpline on 0300 222 1122. It opens again tomorrow from 10am - 4pm. Apart from that, as Beate just suggested, ask Social Services for respite or a day centre to give yourself space to work out a longer term plan.
I have been trying to get to know who to contact at the council with not much of a result. My wife was offered some day care but I didn't think she would go as she didn't want to go anywhere without me and they closed the account. Thanks for all your advice and help, I will give it a try again.
Thanks for your reply. I am not sure who the helpline number is that you gave me but I will give it a try.
That's the helpline for the Alzheimer's Society.
For Sheffield I found this
https://www.sheffield.gov.uk/conten...sheets/Getting Care and Support Factsheet.pdf
And this
https://www.sheffield.gov.uk/content/sheffield/home/social-care/carer-support.html
For Sheffield I found this
https://www.sheffield.gov.uk/conten...sheets/Getting Care and Support Factsheet.pdf
And this
https://www.sheffield.gov.uk/content/sheffield/home/social-care/carer-support.html
