Registered User
Sep 22, 2003
My Parent has demensia and has had it for many years. Over the pasyt 3 months their condition has worcened a lot and they is notw almost incontinent Doubly, loosing cohearant speach most of the time as well as the confusion. they lives in a brilliant care home who are good Oh they are very agresive as well. 86 years old.

Today I went to to visit and I think they asked me to help end their life. I think I understood, but who knows they were talking about goiung to bed with a pillow and some elastic.

I am certain it was not just scribble talk.

I told them no, I could not do anything. They got distressed. I left and told the staff they were distressed. I caught a change over and did not really explain to the staff what i meant by distressed. I was not sure in my head. Hours later I think I am sure.

I wont do it. What do I do

My head hurts with the upset. Their quality of life is now almost nil.



Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Libbyo, I am so very sorry for the position this awful disease has put you and your loved one's in. The only good thing I can say is, although you are dwelling on their outburst, chances are, they have now forgotten it. By bringing it to the attention of the staff, you have done the best you possibly can. My own Mum often used to say such things, then was on about getting home to cook my long departed Dad's dinner in the next breath. It is an absolute nightmare for you and no doubt it will cause you much anguish, I know it did me. Unfortunately there is not much we can do really, you change the subject, try giving something to them to take their mind off it, eg a drink, a book, anything, in the end you face a brick wall. Try not to get so upset yourself, that is the best advice I can give really, I would be in tears long after my Mum had moved on to her next scenario. There are no easy answers, but you will find understanding and friendship here. Love She. XX


Registered User
Mar 27, 2004
Hello Libbyo
I am so sorry to hear of your parents, it is very distressing for you particularly if they are talking about you helping them to take their own lives.
The only consolation is that they will have forgotten what they are asking before you leave the home. Margaret often says things like "I wish I was dead" but has forgotten before the next sentence.
It is no good saying don't get upset as we all get upset, but at least you know they are being taken care of in a good home.
I often wonder if we are able to judge what the quality of their life is. What appears to us to be poor quality, may to them be all they feel they need. That is what I console myself with anyway.
As for the incontinence Margaret takes no more notice than a baby does when it's nappy needs changing, so don't worry too much about that.
This site is a godsend to carers both new and experienced so keep posting and asking questions, there are people here with a lot more knowledge than I have, and will no doubt be only too pleased to pass on that knowedge on to you.
Cheers Barraf


Hello, Libby

You are having a right old time of it, aren't you? And so is your Dad by the sound of things.

Fact of the matter is that if your parent was of a mind sufficient to make the decision to take his own life, he wouldn't be in a nursing home, he would be living an independent life. It's the dementia talking. Just keep the nursing home staff informed of any such talk from him.

In answer to what do you do, you do nothing. You just keep on visiting and try to stop torturing yourself about something over which you have absolutely no control whatsoever. Just be there for visits and love and keep an eye on things. That is the best you can do and nobody can expect anymore.

When he talks of suicide leave a silence, create a diversion, and come back to another subject a few minutes later; he will have forgotten what he said, hopefully and you can chatter about any old thing.

Listen to what Barraf and Sheila say. What we consider important, the niceties of life if you like, are of no consequence as long as our nearest and dearest are as comfortable as possible and they are carrying on regardless. Try not to see it through your eyes - because you'll find all kinds of niggles, worries and, if you want to make them, major issues - I've been very good at that myself in the past, major issues, but learnt to let go.

Be kind to you and know that you can always, whatever it is, talk about it here.

Kind wishes


Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
Birmingham Hades
the advice you have been given is good and I really can't add to it.
My wife tells me sometimes to drop dead also she wishes she was out of this stinking hole and that she was dead.
My one big consolation is that it is all forgotten in a matter of minutes,so ride it out ,change the subject and try to keep calm,not easy I know.

All best wishes