Help with the aggression

Kirsty3030

Registered User
Mar 26, 2017
28
0
This is a constant worry for me. My dad has vascular dementia and is becoming increasingly aggressive. I know he doesn't know what he's saying but it's hard not to feel resentful. He says some awful things to my mum who has to live with this 24/7. I've tried changing the subject which sometimes works , but it's so hard. Anyone any suggestions ?
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
This is a constant worry for me. My dad has vascular dementia and is becoming increasingly aggressive. I know he doesn't know what he's saying but it's hard not to feel resentful. He says some awful things to my mum who has to live with this 24/7. I've tried changing the subject which sometimes works , but it's so hard. Anyone any suggestions ?

Hi Kirsty,

Verbal or physical aggression is so hard to cope with, and not feeling resentful when you're on the reciving end of it is, I think, impossible - no matter how often you tell yourself 'It's not him, its the dementia'. I dealt with verbal aggression for nearly 3 years when my Mum in law lived with us, and for her, distraction rarely worked - once she was fixated on being angry with me, neither I, nor her son, nor anyone else could persuade her to back off and calm down, except on very rare occasions.

It may be worth talking to your Dad's consultant or GP, and trying medication to help combat the aggression. We tried - for a long time - this route with Mil, and sadly it didn't work, BUT it can make a huge difference to some pwd's and its worth exploring.

In our case, when Mil's verbal aggression turned to physical aggression, we had no option (for the sake of not only me and OH, but for our 15 year old daughter too) but to go down the care home route. This was after Mil had an extended stay in an assessment unit, where they tried (and obviously failed) to come up with a combination of medication to help with her aggressive and agitated behaviour. Her behaviour is still problamatic in the CH - only last week, some poor carer got 'walloped' in the face - but they are far better situated to cope with the behaviour there.

If you haven't done so already, try seeking help from the GP or consultant. I don't know if your Dad has been allocated a CPN, but Mil was, and we found her support invaluable whilst Mil was living with us.

Good luck x
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hi Kirsty3030
Ann Mac has given a pretty full response - I too would say have a chat with your dad's GP and consultant/CPN as meds may help
with my dad, the best thing to do is to give him space - so I don't respond, don't argue or explain or reason; I leave him be, in a quiet room with some soothing music if possible - if I take him drink and biscuit I just calmly put them down and leave - I find sometimes just anyone's presence can irritate him - I also apologise (doesn't matter that it's not my fault) and use soothing sounds, and if it's possible, just agree with him (even when he's talking nonsense) - anything to keep the peace
have you come across this thread on compassionate communication? - it's not a cure-all by any means but can help
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
is there any possibility of your dad having some time at a day care centre (call it a club) so your mum gets a break - ask her GP for a referral

sometimes it takes a while for members to notice a post and respond if they have a useful idea

best wishes
 

Relm

Registered User
Jan 24, 2011
49
0
This is a constant worry for me. My dad has vascular dementia and is becoming increasingly aggressive. I know he doesn't know what he's saying but it's hard not to feel resentful. He says some awful things to my mum who has to live with this 24/7. I've tried changing the subject which sometimes works , but it's so hard. Anyone any suggestions ?

It may be worth asking the doctor is there are any meds indicated in your case.

Dementia can induce symptoms of hallucinations, paranoia, delusions, etc leading to aggressive defensive behaviours and these troublesome symptoms can be addressed by certain meds (such as amisulpride, risperidone, etc).

This is a somewhat contentious area on account of over-medication in past times but it is still worth speaking to your dad's doctor. Sometimes people say their relatives have had very good results even though there was no obvious indication for such meds.

Such meds have side effects and they have to be taken into account.



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Kirsty3030

Registered User
Mar 26, 2017
28
0
Thank you ladies. This is a great help. I'm always frightened of going to the doctors as I feel they may put him in a home and sometimes he's fine and lovely. Other times a total demon. He's just been in hospital for a hip operation and said some evil and wicked things repeatedly- been dreadful. But now he's home he's more settled. Thank you all. Much appreciated. This group is my only salvation of understanding. X


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