Help with Dads reaction to Mums Memory Issues

JessN12

Registered User
Nov 24, 2021
75
0
Hi All,
I'm hoping you can give me a little advice on this topic. Mum mum (73) is currently in the process of getting diagnosis after we noticed some signs of dementia. She has had her Memory Clinic appointment and a CT scan and we're waiting for the results.
She lives with my Dad (82), who throughout all of their 35 year marriage has been quite controlling. He used to work and live away for 6 month of the year but since Covid has been home full time.

I live in a different city, about an hour or so away so can't be there all the time but from what Mum tells me Dad has started to treat her as though she is in the late stages of dementia not the very early ones. Not letting her do things she used to, cooking, jobs around the house, insisting on driving her places, he even told the nurse when she went to donate her blood that she gets confused and disorientated (which isn't true) so she was unable to donate. This is causing Mum a lot of stress as she obviously wants to be as independent as possible.
I understand he probably thinks he's helping but this approach is very overbearing and distressing, especially as she used to be the one who ran the house while he was away.

I think we should let Mum be as independent as she can be for as long as possible. How do I tackle the issue with my Dad, and try to talk to him about his behaviour towards her?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,444
0
Kent
Hello @JessN12. Welcome.

he even told the nurse when she went to donate her blood that she gets confused and disorientated (which isn't true)

If you are not living with your parents you won't really be able to understand what they are living with even if your dad is known to have a controlling personality.

Even though our son lived close by and helped a lot with his father, he still didn't understand the stress of 24/7 caring.

Your mum may be telling you she is capable but many people with dementia don't have the insight to know what they can and cannot do.

Is it possible he doesn't really understand what your mother is and is not capable of doing? Perhaps she has made a few mistakes and your dad is trying to prevent her making them again.

If your dad is open to suggestion he might benefit from reading the following



What I would say if your mother has not yet been diagnosed is she may indeed be much more able than your dad is giving her credit for . If she has made the odd mistake it doesn't`t mean she will make them every time and your dad may not have the patience to help her.

It does sound as if your dad doesn't understand dementia which is not surprising as few of us do in the early stages.
 

lostinthought

New member
Dec 1, 2018
1
0
My Dad responded to my mum’s dementia in very much the same way ? He thought he was being helpful and supporting her but actually it did the opposite. She was not allowed to do anything as he constantly stepped in and took command of everything.


Mum eventually lost her confidence and stopped trying to do things for herself. It was horribly sad to watch but whenever I tried to step in and to intervene he would push me away.

Eventually I got mums really kind and compassionate carer to step in as a professional to try and show Dad how to respond to mums needs.

It’s all incredibly sad. Mum passed away 12 weeks ago.

Try and get professional help and support he is more likely to listen to somebody who is the know.

Valérie
 

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