1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    To day - the phone calls :
    Hi Mum, today dad whod have been 70 ' whow can't belive it. Love to you and Lionel , John.

    Hello Mum, Dad who'ed have bein 70 today. Will you and Lionel drop by and have lunch on Sunday after you have been to the cemetry, love Simon.

    Yesturday Lionel's daughter called, first time in 4 years. I would like to se my Dad.

    What do I do. My sons accept the situation. Their Dad is dead, but Mum still has a life, albeit caring for a lovely man who has dementia.Lionels children are still hostile.

    As I write, he is asleep on the sofa. Yes I will p ut him to bed, and make preparation for tomorrow, but where am I in all this?

    I want to to the very best for my dear Lionel, but I have to keep a little bit of me back.

    I have told hid daughter he does not wish to see her, his words to me.

    That may clarify the situation for them, but what about me. I AM SO CONFUSED>

    Connie
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Connie, it is not an easy situation you find yourself in is it? All you can do is your best my love. When Lionel's daughter rings and asks to see him, I wonder, would he really say no if she turned up? It's just a thought, but at least that way she could see for herself how well you care for her Dad. You never know, it might help her understand just how hard things are for you and how much easier she could make it by just accepting the illness has changed her Dad. Hopefully after a while, when she sees how hard you try, she will grow to accept you too. If not, then you have done your best, for Lionel, for her and for your own peace of mind. You can do no more my love. Thinking of you, love She. XX
     
  3. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Connie
    Sheila is right ,let them come,let them see the situation.
    Let them see what sort of life you are having.It might help the whole situation.
    If you wnat to be really wicked tell them you would be pleased to receive any help they felt able to give!!!
    In any case the ball is then in their court,day to day Connie,
    very best wishes
    Norman
     
  4. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Connie!

    Families!

    You must be feeling quite weepy today on the anniversary of your husband's death, the touching phone calls from your loving sons. Thinking of you. You don't need any of this hassle to add to the burden you are already carrying.

    Given hostilities, I think I would play devil's advocate. I would meet with the daughter and explain that you are prepared to support her wish to see her father, providing she does not upset Lionel, or you for that matter. I wouldn't let her come to your home until it appears that her intentions are for the good - meet for lunch in that favourite restaurant of yours, or somewhere else, by accident if needs be for the benefit of Lionel, and take your lead from there.

    Did Lionel make the decision not to see his daughter prior to his deterioration? the situation has changed so much over the past four years, the illness has made sure of that. You are having to make a lot of decisions for Lionel these days, could this be another for the better? Shall we give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that a little growing up has taken place and she genuinely would like to build bridges?

    If not, and is just hostile because of your and Lionel's relationship, it's time she grew up. I know, easier said than done. Does she realise how ill Lionel is? After all this time she will notice many changes, maybe those changes will illustrate to her just how much his life is filled with love and care. What would she want for him? Loneliness? Or..........perhaps she would like to take some of the responsibility for caring? I'd like to see that reaction - you may never see sight nor life of her again!

    Anyway, that's my suggestion for you, and probably a fat lot of use.

    Me? I would tell her that she is more than welcome to see her father anytime with my blessing, providing she is not out to make trouble; in which case she can ****** off. But you're far too nice for that.

    As for who you are? You're one hell of a gorgeous chick with a heart as big as China, that's who you are. Don't forget it.

    Lots of love
    Chesca
    xxx
     
  5. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Don't forget that words lose their meaning - or come out scrambled sometimes - with dementia.

    Often when I am feeding Jan a cup of tea and we stop for a moment, I ask her "would you like some more". Jan replies "no".

    .....then she purses her mouth ready to drink, so I give her more and she loves it.

    I'd let his daughter 'drop in' and see what happens. At the very least she should get his reaction at first hand. Takes the weight off your needing to do it, as well.

    It is absolutely understandable and acceptable that you are confused; it goes with the territory.

    Keep a window - or more - open on your own life. Lionel would have wanted that.
     
  6. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Connie,

    Not much that I can add to the words of wisdom already given, except to say that a meeting on neutral territory would be far the best thing. Go with an open mind and if it doesn't work out, then at least you will know that you have tried your best. Good luck.

    Jude
     
  7. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Who am I

    Thanks for your messages. Lionels daughter has again been in touch, by letter this time. He is still unsure, his childrens intervention in his life last year led to suicidal thoughts and a long process of medication and twice weekly visits from his CPN. Some of you may remember I did not post at all last summer.

    I have today written his daughter a long letter, yes he wants to see her and to establish a relationship, but not just one visit and then just cards filled with kisses.

    I went down this road last year with his son, and cannot allow them to upset Lionel in such a way again.

    Thanks for all your support. Connie
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Connie, totally understand your concern. You have done your best by writing and outlining your concerns, so lets hope it all turns out well. Lets also hope she tells her brother and gives him a little boot up the backside. You need support from them, so does Lionel, lets hope it will now be forthcoming. Keep us posted! Love She. XX
     
  9. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Connie,

    A good move to send a letter initially. It really does need to be a total commitment from her, not just an occasional fly by.

    Jude
     

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