Help! what responses can I give mum.....??

Discussion in 'Middle - later stages of dementia' started by saskia, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. saskia

    saskia Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    124
    North Essex
    Mum (77) widowed 5 years ago, has been diagnosed with 'unspecifed dementia ' ( as she refuses the MRI scan & memory clinic appt)

    3 weeks ago we had to put the family dog to sleep, he was mums life to put it mildly, he was 13, bad heart & could hardly walk.

    Mum was with me & my husband when we took dog to the vets, all very traumatic, lots of tears etc.

    However, mum seems to have blocked this completely, she will acknowledge most days the dog has gone, but has it in her reality that we have ' killed her dog without telling her'

    We've had the dog cremated, his ashes are in a wooden casket on her bookshelf, along with the crematorium paperwork, dated, yet she says we've made that up.

    It's now constant phone calls start in the evening and no matter what response I give, whether I go along with ' yes we did have him put down ' // he's with you, read the paperwork// to going round there to console her....... nothing seems to click.

    2 nights ago we were out , got home to 6 messages on home phone & then by the morning,20 messages on our mobiles lasting till 3 in the morning and she had even reported the dog stolen to the police!!

    That morning when we saw her, she could not stop apologising for the calls, had realised what she had done & called the police bag to apologise to them. So I know some understanding is there.

    Any guidance in dealing with this? Before the dog died, I had evenings calls asking where dad was....but she accepted me telling her he was gone...but the dog, she can't seem to get.

    Sorry. What a ramble..I know this may seem trivial to some compared to what others are going through, but I am at a loss as what to do.

    Or maybe just accept this is the way it is.........

    Thanks for reading

    Sas xxx
     
  2. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    4,815
    UK
    Not trivial at all, in fact this is something I dread, words cannot describe how besotted my mum is with her dog, they both live with me. The age of her dog does worry me.

    Is there any chance you could place a sort of head stone in her garden, maybe even bury the ashes, something she can look at and maybe tend to. Realise not that helpful, but cannot think of anything else except maybe a life size soft dog toy.
     
  3. Trini

    Trini Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    39
    hi Saskia
    We have just had a similar experience. MIL with vascular dementia. Her dog of 14 years had to be put down at the weekend. The dog was her life. In fact she seemed to care more for the dog than her children/grandchildren. The dog has been very ill for at least a year and probably should have been put down months ago- barely able to move so overweight, heart problems and arthritis and riddled with tumours apparently. She was in bed when OH took the dog to the vets. They haven't actually told her and she may not even notice given that she can hardly move these days and speaks very little. If she does ask they are going to tell her he is at her son's house while he is not well and needs medication. Thankfully we will not have the phone call issue as she is well beyond that stage. The only thing she consistently asks about is her car. It will be interesting to see this weekend if there has been any mention of the dog. She is still at home with a live in carer.
    It is a tricky one but definitely not trivial. Wishing you well.
     
  4. saskia

    saskia Registered User

    Aug 10, 2015
    124
    North Essex
    Thank you both for replying - love the idea of the life size dog!!

    Its got better & worse -last night only 2 calls about the dog, but not a day / night goes by without a call bout the dog.

    Tonight -who knows! But i do unplug the home phone after 10.30 & put mobiles on silent. Hate to think of her frantically calling -but i know she won't remeber in the morning.......

    am getting stronger with this -have to, otherwise, think i would just sit in the corner & cry.
     

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